Who am I?

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How hard is that question to answer? To write down exactly who you are. Try it for 5 minutes and you’ll be surprised at how quickly you hit a brick wall.

My world pretty much evolves around being a mum, a wife, grieving for my daughter and my more recent miscarriage as well as being the CEO of a charity that we set up after my daughter sadly passed away in 2012.

After losing Millie, I honestly didn’t think that I could have another child again as I didn’t feel like I could love another child again but as time went on, my heart opened a little more and our lovely Little Leo arrived with us in February 2015 and he has completely  turned my world upside down again .. oh and we have a crazy chocolate lab dog dog; Rolo.

Dan (the hubby) and I moved in with one another after just 4 weeks, got engaged after 5 months and married after just 8 months after our first date.  When you know, you know. Our darling daughter Millie was planned and she came along and turned us into an amazing little family in January 2012 … On the 23rd October 2012 our world was absolutely crushed when we were told that Millie was no longer alive after a choking incident on just her third day at nursery. Most of you can’t even imagine what that feels like and I wouldn’t even want you too.

I’m writing this blog to give you an insight into what we have gone through since we have lost Millie and how we have dealt with our grief, how I got through my Rainbow pregnancy with Leo and to generally show you that there is light after the darkness of losing your child … I couldn’t see this when we lost Millie, nothing I read seemed to help but I hope that this blog will help you if you are ever sadly in a similar situation.

Since I started this blog, we’ve also sadly suffered a miscarriage late last year and I’m now pregnant again with another rainbow… you can check out my blogs I’ve written about that too…..

Same feet, same eyes, same nails, same skin – same everything but I’m a different me ….

Most people will believe they’re going to be the same person with the same persona, same laugh, same outlook on life… Then something life changing happens to you and you’re not the same you, you’re a different you. That’s not a bad thing, sometimes it may actually be a good thing. 

Getting to this “different you” will have seen you walk along a path that’s unknown to you, you will have discovered things about yourself that you never thought possible, had thoughts  that you never believed you had inside you, said things you never thought you could .. But that’s ok, this is you, the new you. The old you is there, the same person, just a different you.

It could’ve been a divorce, a life changing injury, the loss of a job or the bereavement of a loved one, whatever it is , you will never be the exact same person you were before, but that’s ok, this is you, the new you. Going through a life changing event doesn’t mean it is going to be bad for you, it doesn’t mean that you won’t be a good enough person anymore, events like the ones I am talking about change you as a person through growth, through maturity, through pain.

Experiencing something so painful in your life will ultimately change you, whether that be for better or for worse. I know this, more than most.  So what right have I got to talk about this? My right, the making of my “same person, different you” – I lost my daughter, my precious, gorgeous little darling daughter. 

At 27 years old, I had to deal with tragically losing my daughter in an accident when we sent her to nursery when she was just 9 months old. We got the phonecall that every parent dreads … Your child is with the paramedics… We never saw her alive again.

So that’s me, that’s my right to be a same person, different me and you know what, I’m learning to embrace it, I’m learning to at least like, not love, but like the new me …


4 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. I have been following your story from the beginning and I have cried so many tears for you. My heart sang when I heard about baby Leo . I lost three babies , two miscarriages and one still birth . I always remember their birth days , I too was blessed with two sons who are all grown up now , but the pain of losing my babies is always in my heart. I can’t imagine what life was like for you that day in October but you will ALWAYS carry little Millie with you in your heart and in your very being. I don’t need to say to you to cherish every moment with little Leo , you know only too we’ll how precious each moment is. God bless you , Dan and baby Leo xx. It’s an honour to read your blogs. Poignant, beautiful and moving xx

  2. Hi Joanne, I need to introduce myself, my name is Oana and I am a bereaved mummy too. One of my Instagram friends recommended your blog last night. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Millie. I will try and keep in touch via our blogs. Big hugs.xx

  3. We have a mutual friend who shared your blog with me recently. My son died 8 weeks ago in similar circumstances to your daughter. I don’t really know what else to write apart from thank you for writing you blog as a lot of this feels similar I guess but, some is too hard to read just yet.

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