Category Archives: Leo

I promised pregnancy updates ….. 

Come on ladies, be honest with me now … are you team “I love being pregnant and could do it every day for the rest of my life” or team “Come on, this has got to be over soon”

I would love to be one of those women who absolutely adore being pregnant, bloom when they should and sail through it all with no problems …. but just to make all the pregnant ladies feel better that don’t feel like that … I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum …. this has pretty much been me for most of this pregnancy so far…

One of the biggest reasons that I wish I felt good when pregnant is that because I’ve lost Millie and had a miscarriage, I carry this awful guilt around with me constantly were I think I should be thankful I can have more children and I should just get on with it and suffer with these awful illnesses as the outcome is worth it all. 

I’ve suffered from Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) for the majority of this pregnancy. I mean, I have been sick very badly with Millie and Leo but this time has been something else, some days it has been non stop pretty much from waking up to going to sleep. The strange thing is though, is this is the exact reason that I knew something was wrong in my third pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage last November – I wasn’t sick, I didn’t even feel sick once. Don’t get me wrong, I know each pregnancy can be different – that you can be really ill one pregnancy and glowing the next, but I knew. 

Even after 2 awful sickness pregnancies with Millie and Leo and then having the miscarriage, I was hoping to get an easy ride with this one, but nooooooooo – it came back with a vengeance. I’ve been gradually coming out of it over the past 2 weeks and touchwood, I’ve just felt sick all day for 2 weeks – no doubt it will start again.

This smile below … this is what I want to look like 😂 I’ve got no chance 😂 For the record, none of my pregnancies have been easy going.


Then, of course there is the tiredness. Now this is never standard tiredness with me! It completely knocks me out- exhaustion doesn’t ever cover it. I can’t function, I can’t eat, I can’t shower, I can hardly talk. I’ve never seen anyone like it or heard anyone talk about being like this and again doubled with the sickness has left me feeling absolutely horrendous. 

Make me feel a little better ladies, tell me your stories… I know I’m not the only one. I can’t be 😕. 

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It does turn out though, that some tests came back to show that I have a problem with my iron – so much so, that I’m now on quite a high does of medication that has finally gotten me back on my feet, just!

And then I caught a bloody cold! I was so angry, I’d not been out of the house for nearly four weeks and I came down with the world’s worst cold on top of everything else …. made worse by the fact Dan and Leo were fine which one of them had kindly carried it in for me! 

This time has been different too. 

When I was ill with my pregnancy with Leo, I was struggling, of course I was, I’d lost Millie. I was so scared and frightened but Dan was by my side every step of the way, just like he has been this time. 
Except, now there’s a toddler in the equation in the middle of all this illness. Leo being a toddler is not the problem at all – me feeling like I can’t be a proper mum to him because I’m so ill, that’s the problem. 


(Not a care in the world 😍😍😍)

Not being able to pick him up.

Not being able to bathe him.

Not being able to change his nappy on the changing mat as I couldn’t lift him up.

Not being able cuddle him properly when he’s hurt himself.

Missing out on him playing and laughing because I was so exhausted that I couldn’t  keep my eyes open ….

That hurt. In fact it ripped me apart inside. This big beaming smile coming running into me in the morning and I couldn’t even muster the energy to throw him up into the bed with us; actually – this has led to him mastering leg swinging, I’ll class that as helping his skill building 😉. 

But then my black dog came back to haunt me. The feelings of uselessness about not being able to feel like a proper mum. The wanting to close my eyes and not wake up again. The thoughts that Dan and Leo would be better off without me because I am such a burden when I’m so ill and lacking basic human functionalities to get through a day. 

I knew it was bad and I realised I needed some help. I was so close to asking for  anti-depressants again, I wanted that release of feeling numb and the pain going away. I was so angry with myself wanting these tablets again, especially when I’m pregnant. I’m a complete advocate for if you need anti-depressants then there should be no shame in taking them – but my shame was because I was on them for such a long period of time after we lost Millie and that I worked so hard to get off them with the fantastic mental health support from the NHS; that I was disgusted in myself for wanting to what to me seemed was an easy way out. In my head, when I’m feeling okay, I know it’s not any easy way out taking anti-depressants – because even just admitting that you need help is one of the hardest things to do, it’s an alternative way out, not an easy way out. 

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This all gets to me even more so because I never needed anything like this before we lost Millie and now I feel like it’s never going to do away, that at the most difficult times in my life, at any point in the future I could fall again and that’s so scary. It’s really scary and I know that so many of you who suffer from a mental illness feel like this too at the back of your mind. 


As it turns out, my psychologist had left me a voicemail on one of these awful days and when I picked it up, it’s just what I needed to hear. She wanted to know if I was ok with my pregnancy or if I needed any help. I’d never responded to anything as quickly in my life. 

I’d been asked previously at my pregnancy booking appointment if I wanted access to any pregnancy mental health services and I’d said yes because I knew I was going downhill – a combination of mixed emotions about Millie and I was starting to realise that I hadn’t really dealt with my miscarriage well – I’d kept myself busy and distracted after it happened and the effects were now starting to show.

I’ve started to see my psychologist again now. I’m going to be honest. I hate it. Don’t worry, if my psychologist reads this, (I’m not sure if she does read my blog) she already knows this. I hate it because it really hurts, it’s so emotionally painful. We’re doing EMDR again and it knocks me for six and takes me a few days to feel slightly normal again… but …  I know the benefits and I know how it helped me last time.

And just to finish this off on a laughable note for you, I just got my bump stuck in between the side of the bins and our house, go on, have a good laugh.. Dan did 🙈.

I’m not going to ramble anymore, this blog is longer than I intended already …. catch up in a few days xxx

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Without a Child – Mother’s Day 

In a perfect world this 2017 Mother’s Day, I would have my 5 year old daughter Millie running into our bedroom with a plate of toast that daddy made & a handmade card that she’d made at school with some flowers that she’d picked with her daddy; my crazy little whirlwind 2 year old son bringing me in whatever he came across as he ran from his bedroom to give me a kiss and I’d also be extremely tired after having a restless night because I’d be 6 months pregnant.

That’s how it should be, in a perfect world. But it’s not. And actually, not many people live in a perfect reality but many of us struggle to see that. 

In my reality. My lovely little whirlwind son will come bounding into our bedroom with a million books just as he does every morning and he’ll give me a big sloppy morning kiss and jump into bed with us. 

Later that morning, we’ll pay a visit to our daughter’s sleeping place and instead of her giving me flowers, I will give them to her and lay them on her resting place to keep it looking beautiful; this I find extremely hard on Mother’s Day but I still do it. 

The cemetery is always busy on Mother’s Day but with people laying flowers on their mother’s resting places – the way it should be. The reason we are visiting the cemetery places us in a minority group on this day, a group that we would give anything not to be in.

I won’t be tired because of a restless night being 6 months pregnant either because I sadly miscarried just before 12 weeks in November 2016. To read more about this click here 

We won’t go out for a meal or go somewhere fun like many families because four years after losing Millie and even after having Leo, I still struggle seeing families so happy on these certain days and I spend all day crying. Daft, I know – especially because many of these families probably have their own sad stories. I find it hard still being around families on these days that have these lovely big families – because we should be a noisy family of 4 (nearly 5) and we aren’t – our card has been dealt much differently through no fault of our own.  I’m not jealous, or angry – it just hurts, so much. 


I know that things will be different in a few years, especially when Leo is at school and he’ll make me things for these special days & he’ll come running out of school with for them, so proud of what he has made. He’ll suddenly one year be old enough to bring me breakfast in bed without daddy’s help & even pick his own card for me and choose where we should spend Mother’s Day together – I can’t wait for this; because it will make Leo happy and in turn it will make me smile and enjoy the day more. I genuinely am looking forward to this. 

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This year is my 5th Mother’s Day without Millie and my 3rd one with Leo. If you do the sums you will realise that I had 2 Mother’s Days being a mum but without a child in my arms. They were the hardest; being a mum but not feeling like one. 


This day is tough for so many who are thinking about their own lives right now and how different they would be if their children had survived, their pregnancy had continued or their infertility hadn’t stopped their dreams. 

Women who have lost children.

Women who can’t have children for medical reasons.

Women who have suffered pregnancy loss.

Women who want nothing more than to be a mum but it’s just not happening for them. 

A mother should never have to experience a Mother’s Day without their child, they should not have to wake up on this day feeling even less of a mother than they already do. I can say that from my heart because that’s honestly how I felt the first Mother’s Day after losing Millie and part of me still feels like that today even after having my gorgeous boy. A part of my being a mum will always be missing, no matter how hard I try. 

Mother’s Day is so commercialised that it is everywhere and you cannot avoid it even if you want to and for many that is tough. 

Think about those close to you this weekend that might be struggling a little not having a child with them for whatever reason that may be and drop them a quick text letting them know that you are thinking of them. 

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Impossible writing 

Wouldn’t it be great if we could each write our own life story. 

How happy we all would be.

You know the scene, fluffy bunny rabbits, cupboards full to bursting with food & drink, friends & family living forever and no money worries.

To be honest, I’m not sure I know anyone who has a completely perfect life. Some like to think they do … but it only takes a split second for all that to change 

I think that you can write your own story to an extent, you can make the choices and decisions which ultimately shape your future and the paths that we take. 

But what we cannot predict is life and death. 

One minute someone is there and the next they are gone.

One minute the light is shining, the next moment it’s pitch black.

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Grief is a unique situation to each and every one of us and there is little point in comparing how one grieves to another. 

There is little point in comparing one situation to another.

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Life is tough, life can be absolutely shit and once again for Dan and I, it is. 

It is absolutely nothing compared to what we have been through with Millie but life is currently throwing us a huge curve ball that is causing us a lot of pain and heartache and when I’m ready, it really is something that I want to blog about to help others but not just yet. 

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We need to keep going. 

We will.

Once again we need to be strong. 

Massive hugs to anyone who is experiencing any type of heartache right now in their lives – huge love to you all.

Be kind to one another because you don’t know what the next person you come across is currently going through. 

But … on another note, we’ve got this little monster keeping us smiling … he wasn’t very impressed with me when I had to wake him up today to go out and refused to move from his cot xxx


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Four years and counting 

As our darling daughter’s 4th anniversary draws to a close, it still feels like only yesterday when we last held her in our arms for the very last time.

TEXT MILL04 £4 to 70070 to help us reach our £4,000 target in Millie’s memory today. 

You cannot imagine the immeasurable pain that you feel when you lose a child, unless you have sadly been through this yourself and for those that haven’t, we would never even want you to try and imagine.

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The hardest part of Millie’s anniversary?
Time.

Every time we look at the clock we are right back in that day and we know exactly what we were doing and who we were with. As I write this now, I know that we were about to leave the hospital after being there for over 7 hours, knowing that instead of coming home with us, our daughter was about to be taken to the mortuary, which is where the next place we saw her would be. 

TEXT MILL04 £4 to 70070 to help us reach our £4,000 target in Millie’s memory today. 

At 12.30pm today, I was thinking about how I was being taken to hospital thinking that I was going to see my daughter sat up smiling at me when I walked in, how wrong was I? 

At the same time today, we were arriving at our daughter’s sleeping place with lots of lovely balloons that our lovely friend Jay had once again put together for us, some to stay at Millie’s sleeping place, the others to send to the clouds at the time that she officially passed away, so that Millie could play with them – Leo enjoyed releasing the balloons today and watching them float away.

Time. It doesn’t heal. It’s a lie. People say this to you because they aren’t sure what else to say. It doesn’t get easier and it doesn’t heal – nothing can heal this type of pain, nothing can ever heal the loss of a child. You learn to live with it. You learn to live with your new way of life. 

Our heart goes out to every parent who has ever lost a child, at whatever age.

TEXT MILL04 £4 to 70070 to help us reach our £4,000 target in Millie’s memory today. 

It’s very important to us that Leo, Millie’s little brother, grows up knowing everything about her and also that we still always smile so he does too. 


This was him today playing at the park just twenty minutes before we left to visit Millie and get through the saddest time of the day for us. He smiles, we smile; we smile, he smiles. It’s the way that it should be – even on our saddest days. 

To all the parents sadly starting out on this journey, or travelling through this journey a little way behind us; it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to smile, it’s ok to scream. 

In fact. It’s okay to do exactly what you want or need to, to help you along this tragic journey.

Kiss your child good morning, kiss your child goodnight,

We could never have truly guessed what was to come with such a fright.

I never would have thought my heart could break with such a pain,

I never could see through the storms and clouds and the never ending rain.

Four years since you were taken, cruelly snatched in just a minute,

We hugged and kissed and smiled and laughed, we never could have foreseen it.

You were stolen with no warning and taken from us so fast,

I never thought I would survive, I truly thought I wouldn’t last. 

Although we grieve through everyday and miss you with our heart,

We always know, that one day we’ll no longer be apart.

Love mummy, daddy and Leo on your 4th anniversary xxxxx

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Been to Cornwall

Sitting at Millie’s resting place is so peaceful and calm. Many of you won’t be able to relate to that and honestly, that’s a good thing – I’m glad that you can’t. 


I’m sat here right now after not being here for a week because we went away and got back last night. 

Well, actually – we ran away. 

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We didn’t want to be here over the few days that Millie should’ve been starting school.

I didn’t want to see all the gorgeous little kiddies, girls in particular being walking to their brand new schools – I know it would’ve hurt too much; some of you will think we took the cowards way out by running away but it was what was best for us and until you’ve walked in our shoes (which I actually don’t want you to ever have to do that), you’ve absolutely no right to judge.

Before we left last Saturday, we came and lay a gorgeous bouquet of flowers down for Millie – a bouquet bought by money that should have gone on Millie’s first school uniform or school shoes, not flowers for her sleeping place. 

I’m not going to lie. I’ve struggled for this past few weeks, both of us have. The earliest part of last week was very hard in particular for us and we argued. Stupid, silly little arguments because we were both upset over Millie not being here starting school. It can’t be helped, we know that we are are always going to argue around special times that we should be going through with Millie – part of our grieving process I think and I know that’s never going to change. 

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I even abandoned Facebook – my personal page. I knew that I couldn’t cope with all the obligatory first day of school door photographs which I know is a rite of passage – so I decided to come off it for it a while, so I didn’t have to see them. I’ll go back and have a look on a good day. 

I was going to post a photo on here of our door that Millie should’ve been standing in front of – but there would be no point in me doing that because Millie wouldn’t have ever been stood in front of a door in the house that we live in now because we wouldn’t be living here. As many of you already know, we moved not long after Millie passed away because our garden backed onto the fields of that place where she passed away and we couldn’t stay living there watching other children play – it would’ve genuinely ended probably both of our lives. 


And the doors that we have now – even Leo won’t have his photo taken in front of them because we’ve recently put our house up for sale; because that is all it is. 

A house.

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It’s never really felt like a home to us because we moved here as a means to an end and have never had any intention of staying or making it a home. It was what we needed at the time.  I don’t even remember viewing the house we live in now or actually moving in and that makes me sad. That’s part of the reason that we now want to find a “home”.

I actually genuinely cannot wait to choose our next home once ours sells because I can’t wait to pick out wallpaper that I want to come home too and have furniture in my garden that I want to sit in and watch Leo play in. It will be lovely to feel like we have a “home” again.

In a few years time though, we will be taking those first day photographs of Leo and I know that someone may look at them and feel sad like I do right now and even now I want to give that person a big hug. 

For now though, we had a break, made some amazing new memories with our gorgeous Leo but it’s good to be back. xxx


Trying to get that family pic …. Always the same 😂

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Are they designer? 

Yes. 

I have voted today. 

No I won’t tell you which way. 

I try not to discuss politics online BUT I have to mention the polling station as the funniest thing happened to me today. Many of you already know that I take Leo to Messy Monkeys on a Wednesday but yesterday I was working and daddy accidentally forgot that he should’ve been taking him 🙄. So I arranged for Leo to go to the same class in another location today and I walked there and back with him. I have two pairs of bottoms that I tend to wear for Messy Monkeys then it doesn’t matter if I get paint etc on them … See photo below 

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Walking back from Messy Monkeys after class, I popped into my local polling station and as I was giving my name and address, the lady was looking at me very strangely … then I remembered what I was wearing … So I laughed and said “the clothes are for my little ones’ class” the ladies response was “I’m glad you’ve said that as I was trying to work out whether they you’d paid money for designer jeans to look like that!”  This lady made my voting experience much more fun today, I couldn’t stop laughing. The things we do for our kids! 😀 I don’t mind though, I’ve just booked Leo’s new term for Autumn, it doesn’t bother me walking home splattered in paint, it’s all good fun.

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Other fun, we’ve had this week… check out this amazing present out that was dropped by our lovely friend Gemma.


(Photos on the wall by Sharon Wallis)

Now this giraffe is extra special because when our friend saw it, it had a sign up next to it saying Millie the Giraffe! It was fate wasn’t it …? It was such a thoughtful gift and Leo loves it, here he is below telling you how tall it is! 

Leo is like a total whirlwind at the moment and we absolutely love it; especially his yoga escapades.

Lots of you know how worried I was about not being able to laugh again or not enjoy things with my rainbow baby .. Well it couldn’t be more different than I had imagined xx

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