Category Archives: Memories

Without a Child – Mother’s Day 

In a perfect world this 2017 Mother’s Day, I would have my 5 year old daughter Millie running into our bedroom with a plate of toast that daddy made & a handmade card that she’d made at school with some flowers that she’d picked with her daddy; my crazy little whirlwind 2 year old son bringing me in whatever he came across as he ran from his bedroom to give me a kiss and I’d also be extremely tired after having a restless night because I’d be 6 months pregnant.

That’s how it should be, in a perfect world. But it’s not. And actually, not many people live in a perfect reality but many of us struggle to see that. 

In my reality. My lovely little whirlwind son will come bounding into our bedroom with a million books just as he does every morning and he’ll give me a big sloppy morning kiss and jump into bed with us. 

Later that morning, we’ll pay a visit to our daughter’s sleeping place and instead of her giving me flowers, I will give them to her and lay them on her resting place to keep it looking beautiful; this I find extremely hard on Mother’s Day but I still do it. 

The cemetery is always busy on Mother’s Day but with people laying flowers on their mother’s resting places – the way it should be. The reason we are visiting the cemetery places us in a minority group on this day, a group that we would give anything not to be in.

I won’t be tired because of a restless night being 6 months pregnant either because I sadly miscarried just before 12 weeks in November 2016. To read more about this click here 

We won’t go out for a meal or go somewhere fun like many families because four years after losing Millie and even after having Leo, I still struggle seeing families so happy on these certain days and I spend all day crying. Daft, I know – especially because many of these families probably have their own sad stories. I find it hard still being around families on these days that have these lovely big families – because we should be a noisy family of 4 (nearly 5) and we aren’t – our card has been dealt much differently through no fault of our own.  I’m not jealous, or angry – it just hurts, so much. 


I know that things will be different in a few years, especially when Leo is at school and he’ll make me things for these special days & he’ll come running out of school with for them, so proud of what he has made. He’ll suddenly one year be old enough to bring me breakfast in bed without daddy’s help & even pick his own card for me and choose where we should spend Mother’s Day together – I can’t wait for this; because it will make Leo happy and in turn it will make me smile and enjoy the day more. I genuinely am looking forward to this. 

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This year is my 5th Mother’s Day without Millie and my 3rd one with Leo. If you do the sums you will realise that I had 2 Mother’s Days being a mum but without a child in my arms. They were the hardest; being a mum but not feeling like one. 


This day is tough for so many who are thinking about their own lives right now and how different they would be if their children had survived, their pregnancy had continued or their infertility hadn’t stopped their dreams. 

Women who have lost children.

Women who can’t have children for medical reasons.

Women who have suffered pregnancy loss.

Women who want nothing more than to be a mum but it’s just not happening for them. 

A mother should never have to experience a Mother’s Day without their child, they should not have to wake up on this day feeling even less of a mother than they already do. I can say that from my heart because that’s honestly how I felt the first Mother’s Day after losing Millie and part of me still feels like that today even after having my gorgeous boy. A part of my being a mum will always be missing, no matter how hard I try. 

Mother’s Day is so commercialised that it is everywhere and you cannot avoid it even if you want to and for many that is tough. 

Think about those close to you this weekend that might be struggling a little not having a child with them for whatever reason that may be and drop them a quick text letting them know that you are thinking of them. 

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Four years and counting 

As our darling daughter’s 4th anniversary draws to a close, it still feels like only yesterday when we last held her in our arms for the very last time.

TEXT MILL04 £4 to 70070 to help us reach our £4,000 target in Millie’s memory today. 

You cannot imagine the immeasurable pain that you feel when you lose a child, unless you have sadly been through this yourself and for those that haven’t, we would never even want you to try and imagine.

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The hardest part of Millie’s anniversary?
Time.

Every time we look at the clock we are right back in that day and we know exactly what we were doing and who we were with. As I write this now, I know that we were about to leave the hospital after being there for over 7 hours, knowing that instead of coming home with us, our daughter was about to be taken to the mortuary, which is where the next place we saw her would be. 

TEXT MILL04 £4 to 70070 to help us reach our £4,000 target in Millie’s memory today. 

At 12.30pm today, I was thinking about how I was being taken to hospital thinking that I was going to see my daughter sat up smiling at me when I walked in, how wrong was I? 

At the same time today, we were arriving at our daughter’s sleeping place with lots of lovely balloons that our lovely friend Jay had once again put together for us, some to stay at Millie’s sleeping place, the others to send to the clouds at the time that she officially passed away, so that Millie could play with them – Leo enjoyed releasing the balloons today and watching them float away.

Time. It doesn’t heal. It’s a lie. People say this to you because they aren’t sure what else to say. It doesn’t get easier and it doesn’t heal – nothing can heal this type of pain, nothing can ever heal the loss of a child. You learn to live with it. You learn to live with your new way of life. 

Our heart goes out to every parent who has ever lost a child, at whatever age.

TEXT MILL04 £4 to 70070 to help us reach our £4,000 target in Millie’s memory today. 

It’s very important to us that Leo, Millie’s little brother, grows up knowing everything about her and also that we still always smile so he does too. 


This was him today playing at the park just twenty minutes before we left to visit Millie and get through the saddest time of the day for us. He smiles, we smile; we smile, he smiles. It’s the way that it should be – even on our saddest days. 

To all the parents sadly starting out on this journey, or travelling through this journey a little way behind us; it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to smile, it’s ok to scream. 

In fact. It’s okay to do exactly what you want or need to, to help you along this tragic journey.

Kiss your child good morning, kiss your child goodnight,

We could never have truly guessed what was to come with such a fright.

I never would have thought my heart could break with such a pain,

I never could see through the storms and clouds and the never ending rain.

Four years since you were taken, cruelly snatched in just a minute,

We hugged and kissed and smiled and laughed, we never could have foreseen it.

You were stolen with no warning and taken from us so fast,

I never thought I would survive, I truly thought I wouldn’t last. 

Although we grieve through everyday and miss you with our heart,

We always know, that one day we’ll no longer be apart.

Love mummy, daddy and Leo on your 4th anniversary xxxxx

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Been to Cornwall

Sitting at Millie’s resting place is so peaceful and calm. Many of you won’t be able to relate to that and honestly, that’s a good thing – I’m glad that you can’t. 


I’m sat here right now after not being here for a week because we went away and got back last night. 

Well, actually – we ran away. 

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We didn’t want to be here over the few days that Millie should’ve been starting school.

I didn’t want to see all the gorgeous little kiddies, girls in particular being walking to their brand new schools – I know it would’ve hurt too much; some of you will think we took the cowards way out by running away but it was what was best for us and until you’ve walked in our shoes (which I actually don’t want you to ever have to do that), you’ve absolutely no right to judge.

Before we left last Saturday, we came and lay a gorgeous bouquet of flowers down for Millie – a bouquet bought by money that should have gone on Millie’s first school uniform or school shoes, not flowers for her sleeping place. 

I’m not going to lie. I’ve struggled for this past few weeks, both of us have. The earliest part of last week was very hard in particular for us and we argued. Stupid, silly little arguments because we were both upset over Millie not being here starting school. It can’t be helped, we know that we are are always going to argue around special times that we should be going through with Millie – part of our grieving process I think and I know that’s never going to change. 

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I even abandoned Facebook – my personal page. I knew that I couldn’t cope with all the obligatory first day of school door photographs which I know is a rite of passage – so I decided to come off it for it a while, so I didn’t have to see them. I’ll go back and have a look on a good day. 

I was going to post a photo on here of our door that Millie should’ve been standing in front of – but there would be no point in me doing that because Millie wouldn’t have ever been stood in front of a door in the house that we live in now because we wouldn’t be living here. As many of you already know, we moved not long after Millie passed away because our garden backed onto the fields of that place where she passed away and we couldn’t stay living there watching other children play – it would’ve genuinely ended probably both of our lives. 


And the doors that we have now – even Leo won’t have his photo taken in front of them because we’ve recently put our house up for sale; because that is all it is. 

A house.

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It’s never really felt like a home to us because we moved here as a means to an end and have never had any intention of staying or making it a home. It was what we needed at the time.  I don’t even remember viewing the house we live in now or actually moving in and that makes me sad. That’s part of the reason that we now want to find a “home”.

I actually genuinely cannot wait to choose our next home once ours sells because I can’t wait to pick out wallpaper that I want to come home too and have furniture in my garden that I want to sit in and watch Leo play in. It will be lovely to feel like we have a “home” again.

In a few years time though, we will be taking those first day photographs of Leo and I know that someone may look at them and feel sad like I do right now and even now I want to give that person a big hug. 

For now though, we had a break, made some amazing new memories with our gorgeous Leo but it’s good to be back. xxx


Trying to get that family pic …. Always the same 😂

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Leo’s first …. 

…Haircut ✂️✂️✂️

We never got to do this with Mills … First haircut I mean. That’s what we did with Leo this morning… Think he’s looking rather pleased with himself and his new haircut. No longer looking wild and untamed 😂


And I apologise now to all the parents who are going to hate me for this …. It didn’t actually bother him in the slightest, in fact I think he loved it in the chair.

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He’s got a little shiny red nose at the moment, it’s teething time – 3 have come through this week which means he’s only got about 3 to go now, he has done so well with them so far but I think these ones have hurt him the most 

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We were a bit early for our appointment this morning at the hairdressers so we let him have a run around on the park, his walking has come on immensely in the past few weeks – I love watching him toddle … Click here to see

And here is a reminder of some of his first steps

So back to the haircut. Yep, this was Leo’s first haircut. We were given his cut offs in a little plastic bag to keep, which is lovely but was also sad. It was sad because we’ve also got Millie’s first cut off hair at home but it wasn’t done under the same circumstances. Millie’s was given to us after she had passed away and they had cut some from her in the mortuary, which I am so glad that they did. It was still a very real reminder this morning of something that we missed out on with Millie…but our smiles were still there for Leo and his first haircut even though our hearts were hurting for Millie. 

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Bye for now xxx

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Six years …

Six years ago today Dan and I got engaged, just 5 months after we went on our first date. When you know it’s right, you know it’s right 😍. Just 4 months later (less than 9 months after our first date) we got married in the most gorgeous place in Seattle – we cannot wait to go back there one day.


This is just a little message to say, go with your own feelings. Many people had their own opinions about whether we were rushing things and even whether we would last… 6 years down the line and we are still standing and we’ve proven all those people wrong. 

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Unfortunately many people split up after losing a child, their marriage cannot cope with it and we totally understand how it can get to that stage – I’m not going to lie, we got very close to it a few times after some huge rows but it all came down to the same thing – losing Millie and what it had done to us individually but we have stuck together and little Leo has been our rainbow to solidify everything again.

Do something for me. Always make sure that you are always happy, make your own decisions and don’t let other people’s opinions influence you – if we had, we might never have got married! 

Our 6 year anniversary is in September, so in just a few months and it’s another huge milestone for us … Every birthday, Christmas and anniversary is a massive achievement now for us. 

Look forward, not back and always be happy xxx

All the way to the other side of the world and back 

Kiwi’s don’t exist … That is the theory I came back with after leaving New Zealand (and of course, yes I know they actually do exist … But whenever I tried to see one it was always dark and I never actually got to see one apart from the one in the photo below) 😀 

  

So how did we end up travelling close to 12,000 miles to the other side of the world and why did we go? It wasn’t a holiday … Far from it … To me it was self-help break, a trip to find out who we had turned in to and to find out how strong we were without realising. It was a trip to find out what our future may or may not hold for us and a chance for Dan and I to see whether our marriage was capable of lasting through our grief. It was the trip of a lifetime … Or was it? Not really, we would rather have not been going under the circumstances that we were… A trip of a lifetime is something that you planned for, well; forever. A trip that you’ve made a list for of all the things that you can’t wait to see and discover that you never thought you would get to see.. Our trip wasn’t like that, it wasn’t a lifetime of planning that got us there, what got us there was losing our precious baby girl and the generosity of each and every one of you guys that donated your pennies towards getting us out there to New Zealand to meet a very special family, a very special family that have a very special little boy called Kory. Click here for media article 
This is Kory in the photo below.

 A few years ago, a follower of Millie’s Trust on Facebook put me in touch with a very lovely lady called Alison in New Zealand who unfortunately had lost her son a few years previously when eating a piece of apple in a nursery. We got chatting and Alison began to help me out with my emotions and feelings of guilt and then I talked about our communication online and thousands of you decided to get together and raise enough money to send Dan and I to meet Alison and her beautiful family on the other side of the world, which was absolutely amazing of you and we are forever thankful. It was unbelievable that just 5 months after we first spoke, Dan and I were on one of many aeroplanes on our journey to New Zealand to not only meet but to stay with these wonderful, well, the description for them then I suppose, were strangers – but they soon became something very different, they became our friends.

I struggled in particular after losing Mills and I needed someone to talk to, someone who had been through this – someone who could tell me what to expect. Alison became that person and her help whilst I was out there in New Zealand is one of the reasons why Leo is here today, Alison and Carl went on to have another gorgeous little boy, Charlie after they lost Kory and seeing them with him, made me be able to see our possible future for the first time in a long time.

 
The First time we all met in Auckland.

There is so much more to tell you about our visit to New Zealand and one day, I’ll tell it you all…I promise. Anyway, where am I going with this blog? 

Well, it’s been two years! How fast that has gone. It’s been 2 whole years since we rocked up in an orange camper van at Alison’s house and spent 10 days with this wonderful family who literally helped us to change our future.

 

One day (hopefully soon and not in 10 years time) we are hoping to get back out there and introduce Leo to these amazing people, to introduce him to another little rainbow baby called Charlie that came out of a terrible storm. We want to make more memories there with Leo and take hundreds more photos there that we are smiling on; except this time the smiles will be genuine and not show as much torment and anguish as the set we currently have. On many of the photos from this trip, we can see the hurt, pain, tiredness and stress in or eyes and I wish so much that I couldn’t see that, but one day, we’ll have some new ones and the smiles will be happy smiles. 

 
We might have had to travel over 11,000 miles to see our future but I am so glad that we did. Not only did it encourage us to have Leo but we met this amazing family who we will always be close to and I’m pretty sure Millie and Kory are playing hide and seek together in the clouds and watching down on us together, some times people are brought together for a reason, our two families clearly have … It’s a real shame that we are 11,000 miles apart but for now we have technology to keep us talking. 

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Kory’s parents set up Kory’s Trust in New Zealand – to see what they do, click here

A blog just because … 

Not much to read on this blog but just had to blog. 

The sound of silence drove me mad after we lost Millie.

Just been stood in the kitchen chopping up carrots and all I could hear was Leo giggling in our living room because Daddy was playing with him.  It made me smile as wide as my face. 

Never thought I’d smile again like this again over something so simple. 

Now our house is full of Leo giggling, crying, shouting and Rolo (our dog) running around and barking. I love all these noises.

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