Triggers?

You know, sometimes it just really really bloody hurts. I can’t even tell why some days, some hours hurt more than others. You think you are having a good day, week or month and then it just hits you smack bang right in your face again and sometimes with no apparent reason. Or at least you think it’s no apparent reason and then days later you will realise that you hit a low after seeing a mum hug their daughter on the street, just at the wrong time for you or that you’ve watched a programme with someone giving birth to a baby girl and you see that instant that the dad smiles for the first time at this precious little life that he has created or you are driving down the street and suddenly you see a funeral hearse pulling up outside a church with a casket in the back. It’s moments like these that just sit in your head without you realising and suddenly an hour later or 3 days later, WHAM, it’s the thing that makes you cry.

Tonight’s trigger was instant    – I was watching Surprise, Surprise (I know, I know – it makes some of you cry anyway with the stories on there), but it wasn’t the story that made me tearful, it was the mum and daughter hugging each other and the mum looking at the daughter when the daughter realised the surprise the mum had set up for her (The Vamps playing a personal gig in her own back garden 😀) It was the interaction that hit me like a blade to my heart, the daughter hugging and holding her mum, the mum with this huge wide smile on her face because she could see how happy she had made her daughter in just these few seconds. That’s when my brain goes into overdrive … Example thought process…

I’m never going to have Millie hug me like that.

I’m never going to see Millie look at me with so much thankfulness in her that I’m her mum.

I wonder what Millie would have looked like when she was 15.

I’d do anything to be able to hold Millie like that. 

I’m never going to be able to make my daughter’s dreams come true.

Cue Tears.

The statements above weren’t even half of the things whizzing around in my head in the whole of around, I would say in, ooh about 30 seconds.  These questions and thoughts in my head, I feel like my brain is firing them at me with a bow and arrow constantly and I can’t stop them. Talk about confusion, mixed up emotions, anger, blame, miss … And hundreds more words … You can insert your own here if you’ve experienced this … Because I know that unfortunately many of you have and are experiencing this today and for the rest of your life. 
I don’t know what it is at the moment, why things seem to be getting to me just that little bit more , why my tears are falling just that little bit more easily. The past few weeks just seem to have been that little bit harder than usual and I’m finding it hard to pinpoint the trigger this time. 

I miss Millie every day. 

Every day I kiss her photo Good Morning and tell her that I love her 

Every day i carry on teaching Leo how to blow kisses to his big sister. 

Every night I kiss her photo Good Night and tell her that I love her.

I talk to her throughout the day and talk to Leo about his big sister every day. 

She really still is part of our every day life and I know that is never going to change but it hurts, so so much. 

I just get these urges that I need to pick her up and hug her. That I need to smell the hair on her head. That I need to hold her so tight. 

The feelings are so strong sometimes, like they are at the moment, I can close my eyes and i can feel that she is here with me. It’s like I can feel that hug is real that I am imagining giving her. 

I’m going to stop writing now, because the tears are coming quick and fast and I can’t see the screen properly to write.

I need to get some rest. Some nights I can get a clean night’s sleep (that’s what I call it when I wake up in the morning and I haven’t had any dreams or nightmares that have upset me) – you can’t imagine that I would still suffer from nightmares because we live a parent’s worst nightmare on a daily basis x

3 thoughts on “Triggers?

  1. Ellie pickles

    No words from me can mend your broken heart but I can send my love. I am so sorry that you lost your little Millie and that this pain never leaves you. Although this grief will never lessen or go away, it will change shape. You, your other half and Leo will always have her close x

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  2. Claire

    Reading your words makes me feel so sad. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel. Beautiful Millie stole your heart and that’s where she’ll always be. Lots of love xxx

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  3. Becky Williams

    I had tears in my eyes reading that, so much emotion and so much admiration for you, to go through what you have and still find the strength to talk about it. To explain to people you don’t know what you truly feel inside, what goes through your mind. Honestly I didnt know humans could be so strong until I came to know you and your little family. Seeing these blogs really does bring it home that there are many people who don’t choose to talk about it, but many people who have lost a child and I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like. I feel like in your own way, you remove the taboo from it…no one talks about the loss of a child because well there are no words to describe how it must feel. But from reading your experiences it really does shine a light on it, and I honestly think you could write a book, and you’d reach not only those who have gone through what you have and have beautiful angels in the sky, but to others like me who may have experienced it through family members but not personally and could never begin to imagine what it’s like, but would certainly benefit from this opportunity to try and understand xxx

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