You know, sometimes it just really really bloody hurts. I can’t even tell why some days, some hours hurt more than others. You think you are having a good day, week or month and then it just hits you smack bang right in your face again and sometimes with no apparent reason. Or at least you think it’s no apparent reason and then days later you will realise that you hit a low after seeing a mum hug their daughter on the street, just at the wrong time for you or that you’ve watched a programme with someone giving birth to a baby girl and you see that instant that the dad smiles for the first time at this precious little life that he has created or you are driving down the street and suddenly you see a funeral hearse pulling up outside a church with a casket in the back. It’s moments like these that just sit in your head without you realising and suddenly an hour later or 3 days later, WHAM, it’s the thing that makes you cry.
Tonight’s trigger was instant – I was watching Surprise, Surprise (I know, I know – it makes some of you cry anyway with the stories on there), but it wasn’t the story that made me tearful, it was the mum and daughter hugging each other and the mum looking at the daughter when the daughter realised the surprise the mum had set up for her (The Vamps playing a personal gig in her own back garden 😀) It was the interaction that hit me like a blade to my heart, the daughter hugging and holding her mum, the mum with this huge wide smile on her face because she could see how happy she had made her daughter in just these few seconds. That’s when my brain goes into overdrive … Example thought process…
I’m never going to have Millie hug me like that.
I’m never going to see Millie look at me with so much thankfulness in her that I’m her mum.
I wonder what Millie would have looked like when she was 15.
I’d do anything to be able to hold Millie like that.
I’m never going to be able to make my daughter’s dreams come true.
The statements above weren’t even half of the things whizzing around in my head in the whole of around, I would say in, ooh about 30 seconds. These questions and thoughts in my head, I feel like my brain is firing them at me with a bow and arrow constantly and I can’t stop them. Talk about confusion, mixed up emotions, anger, blame, miss … And hundreds more words … You can insert your own here if you’ve experienced this … Because I know that unfortunately many of you have and are experiencing this today and for the rest of your life.
I don’t know what it is at the moment, why things seem to be getting to me just that little bit more , why my tears are falling just that little bit more easily. The past few weeks just seem to have been that little bit harder than usual and I’m finding it hard to pinpoint the trigger this time.
I miss Millie every day.
Every day I kiss her photo Good Morning and tell her that I love her
Every day i carry on teaching Leo how to blow kisses to his big sister.
Every night I kiss her photo Good Night and tell her that I love her.
I talk to her throughout the day and talk to Leo about his big sister every day.
She really still is part of our every day life and I know that is never going to change but it hurts, so so much.
I just get these urges that I need to pick her up and hug her. That I need to smell the hair on her head. That I need to hold her so tight.
The feelings are so strong sometimes, like they are at the moment, I can close my eyes and i can feel that she is here with me. It’s like I can feel that hug is real that I am imagining giving her.
I’m going to stop writing now, because the tears are coming quick and fast and I can’t see the screen properly to write.
I need to get some rest. Some nights I can get a clean night’s sleep (that’s what I call it when I wake up in the morning and I haven’t had any dreams or nightmares that have upset me) – you can’t imagine that I would still suffer from nightmares because we live a parent’s worst nightmare on a daily basis x