Smiling and Crying in unison 

I thought the hardest part of having another baby after losing Millie would be the first few weeks and getting used to being a mum again. Before I had Leo, I still couldn’t stand babies crying, children laughing and parents hugging their children – it all just hurt too much. I was wrong about the hardest part though. 

I think now is the hardest part, don’t get me wrong, up until now, it has been awfully hard but things are hard now in a different way. Things are hard now because Leo is turning into a “proper little person”. He has started to smile back and react to us talking to him, his face is turning into a little boy’s face, he’s getting stronger every day,  he’s getting ready to roll over and he kicks like a newly training footballer! And I love every minute of it, even though it is heart wrenching sometimes. I watch him smiling and I see Millie in his face. I watch him kicking and remember Millie finding her legs. I see his eyes light up when he realises mummy or daddy are there, just like Millie used to do when we walked into a room. ( Leo discovered the mirror yesterday )  

I love seeing Leo turn into this perfect little person, he really is a little treasure. But every time he does something new or reacts to a new noise I find it so tough not to burst out crying. Seeing your child develop is one of the proudest things that a parent can go through. Until I had Millie, I never understood this but as soon as your baby is born and gives you that first look through their eyes, grips your hand for the first time or reacts to your voice and looks at you, your heart falls in love again and again which means it can be broken over and over again. 

  
I’m not sure what it’s going to be like in the future, I can never know that, no one can and I know now that there is no point in worrying about it because the future is coming whether  I like it or not. 

Right now I feel like the first 9 months is going to be the toughest for us – this development period is going to be heart wrenching for us every time Leo does something new – I can’t wait for him to do new things and I love it when he does but it is so painful as well as such proud moments when Leo achieves his new development milestones.

Then once we get passed Millie’s age, I know it’s going to be tough again. I don’t know whether it’s going to be tougher or the same kind of toughness we have/are already experiencing. Ask me again after Leo turns 9 months and 12 days old, well , 9 months and 13 days old as he will officially be past Millie’s age when she passed away on that date. I know when that date is, I worked it out the night that Leo was born … 

      Once this date has passed, that’s when we will experience new things that we never got to experience with Millie. 

We never got to see Millie take her steps unaided.

We will get to see Leo takes his first unaided steps. 

We never got to hear her first word.

We will get to hear Leo’s first word 

We never got to see her open her Christmas or Birthday presents. 

We will get to see Leo open his Christmas and birthday presents. 

We never got to see her ride a bike for the first time

We will get to see Leo ride his bike 

The list is endless for Millie but I know in my heart that we will get to see all this with Leo. We will get to experience all the things you should as a parent, we will get to be the proud parents when he passes his driving test, sits his exams, gets engaged, gets married , has babies of his own – I know it’s all coming. 

I do live in fear. I really do. I live in fear that it is all going to come crashing down around us all over again. I live in fear that I couldn’t live if my heart was broken again like that. I live in fear that I am cursed , that’s what it feels like sometimes , because what are the odds on losing a child in the way that we did, they’re actually about a million to one … But we were that one in a million and we wish so much that we weren’t. 

Even though I live in fear, I am not going to let the fear take over me. I am not going to let the fear take over us or to take over Leo’s life. 

Leo is going to go to school and not be hime educated because I’m scared to let him out of my sight. 

Leo will go on school trips with his friends, so he isn’t the odd one out because his mum is scared. 

Leo will be allowed to visit the cinema when he he old enough alone with his friends. 

Although for now, we have one huge hurdle to get over. Leo is 14 weeks old tomorrow and   in that same time over again, we should really start to thinking about weaning him but right now even the thought makes me feel physically sick. 

We actually weaned Millie at 14 weeks (before the comments start about this being young, it was our personal choice and it worked for Millie) and by the time she passed away, she was a very competent eater – that’s why we will never understand what happened whilst she was eating that day. Dan and I will never know exactly what Millie went through in those final minutes of her life. 

But for now, I just have to concentrate on Leo taking his milk – to be honest, this is hard enough right now … We’ll get through it though, the weaning I mean, that’s the first step. 

But as much as we can, we will enjoy every single minute of Leo developing and experiencing new things and he will never ever lose out on any part of life because of what tragically happened to our daughter, his sister. 
———–

As a lot of you know, every year in October ( Millie’s anniversary month ) we run a “Millie madness” fundraising month where we try and raise as much money as possible in honour of her anniversary. This year will be the 3rd year that we have done this! We are getting started early this and we have been organising a virtual race! The idea is that with this one you register and when you have completed you receive a limited edition Millie’s Trust Medal ( which you can see by clicking below ) 

We are asking you to run, swim or cycle as far as possible and see how many miles we can collect as one massive team! The idea of these is that you can complete at any time in October or do something everyday in October and add your miles up at the end of the month and you don’t have to travel to a start line to do it!!! 

We would love to see your photos throughout Millie’s madness month on how you are completing this challenge. 

For  full details, please have a look at the link below and don’t forget to register so you don’t miss out on a medal! ( I’m already signed up ) x

Anyone want to join our virtual run ! Limited edition medals available and limited places! 
Check out the medal you get too! 
International entries accepted 

Virtual challenge link, only 500 medals available so book soon x 

http://www.virtualrunneruk.com/enter-millie-s-trust

8 thoughts on “Smiling and Crying in unison 

  1. Joanne West

    Hi. This post touched me more than any of your previous. I know I can’t truly understand what you are going through but I have experienced a miscarriage and then conceiving again and I imagine you must experience Leo’s life the same way I experienced my pregnancy after miscarriage and I can’t even begin to think about how hard that must be but I hope things get easier for you the older he gets. Please don’t feel the need to rush with weaning. I know after what happened with Millie the concept of baby led weaning would probably be awful for you but it’s main thing is food before one isn’t necessary and milk be it formula or breast is the best thing for them. You can get vitamin drops if you are truly worried about lack of nutrients but there’s more for them in milk than there is in a few pots of fruit and veg x

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  2. Becky Williams

    Once again you’ve almost had me in tears, I can’t even begin to imagine how it feels. How everyday you live in fear that your happiness can be taken away so quickly without warning. I love the way you share photos with us, both of Millie and Leo like we share a little part of your life. Leo is beautiful! Xx

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  3. Danielle Croft

    Hi Jo,

    I can’t even imagine what you are both going through I cry everytime I read an update to your story. It makes me realise even more how lucky I really am to have my little girl!! I don’t know you personally but from what I have read and watched of you I know one thing you are the strongest person ever to be coping and dealing with such a traumatic thing so I know you will get through it, it’s hard to see at the minute but it will get easier each day and step you take!!
    Millie is looking down on you all and proud of everything you do and achieve!!!

    Love to you all and keep strong you can do it!!!

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  4. Katie

    You really are amazing! Honestly! You’ve achieved so much despite what is undoubtedly a difficult time for you and shown such strength throughout it all. Nothing but admiration for you. What a wonderful legacy your daughter leaves, she would be so so proud of you. Keep enjoying your son and the positivity he brings to you. Xx

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  5. Kayleigh

    I read your posts all of the time and can’t help but fell touched by what you write every single time. Can’t imagine how difficult having this battle between the two emotions must be but you are doing amazingly. Leo is a lovely little man, see so much of Millie in him xx

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