Times are hard when times are different 

Leo and I had a trip to a lovely lady this morning called Sharon in Bramhall who I had arranged to take a picture of Leo for me for his first passport. 

This is one of the things that we never sorted out for Millie before she passed away, but it’s still hurt me over the past couple of days sorting it all out for Leo because we actually did have a holiday booked abroad with Millie when she passed away. We were due to go away to Rome for her daddy’s 40th the following June; her Trunkie was going to be a gift for Christmas off her grandma ( we have it now ready for when Leo is a little older as we had already sorted it out for Millie’s first Christmas, but she never got to use it.)

Check out Leo’s fab passport photo above 😁

We did go on holiday with Millie, in June to Corwall a few months before she passed away. We know that she loved being there with us, we also know that it doesn’t matter where you are or where you take your children, they will always love you. In the photo below, we are in St.Ives – Dan always said that he wanted to retire there but we won’t now because we will never leave this area because it’s where Millie is resting, I know I could never do that, it would be too hard. 

 
I still visit Millie a few times a week and I often go more if I’m struggling for some reason that day. Like today, I’ve struggled sorting Leo’s passport out so I knew that a visit to my little Mill’s would help me out, so that’s where Leo and I went. We took ourselves off down there, sat in the sun, had a chat and played her favourite song, ( press this link to see what that is http://youtu.be/uq-gYOrU8bA ) all with Leo having a little play on the grass next to his sister’s resting place. I know some people might not agree with that, taking Leo to her resting place but honestly, I really don’t care because it is a completely personal choice. 

The first place we visited after we left the hospital after having Leo was born was down to Millie so he could “meet her” – this will always be the case. Leo will grow up with it being completely normal to go and visit Millie and tell her what he has been doing in his day and hopefully when he is older, it will be a place where he can go to talk out his problems with his big sister. 
Another thing about where Millie rests, it might be unusual for you to read this, but it is such a lovely place and such lovely people visit. Today on our visit, one of the friendly cemetery assistants ( I want to write grave digger but I’m pretty sure that isn’t the politically correct term and someone will tell me off ) came over and had a chat. They are all such lovely workers at the cemetery and we know that they all keep an eye on Millie’s place for us. Then there is a lovely lady who visits her dad close to Millie who came over and chats to us all the time, lights candles if we need her to and generally keeps an eye out too, she came over to say hi and meet Leo 😀. The parents of an older disabled man who  lost their son a couple of years ago who always come and say hello when they see us and then today, there was also the lovely elderley lady who came over and asked me if I was Millie’s Mum and then told me she was in a singing group recently that helped to raise some money at a local event and that she had bought a hoodie from our charity, that made me smile. 

We did go to Rome,that following June, we nearly didn’t. We didn’t know what to do , we didn’t know how we would feel because that holiday was booked to take Millie with us. We did but it was so hard from the moment we stepped out of our front door until the minute we got back and just for the record, I really wouldn’t advise travelling to such a religious place such as Rome after losing a child, it made me very angry. I was really struggling at the time about religion because every time I saw a nun ( as you can imagine, there are a lot in Rome ) I just wanted to scream at them, I wanted to scream, how can there be a god when he took my perfect child away? I obviously didn’t scream at the nuns but I did in my head . But , it is a beautiful city and I would certainly like to go back again one day and take Leo in the future when we save some pennies. I want to take Leo all over the world, just like I wanted to take Millie. The photo below was taken in Rome and you might not be able to see it, but the smiles are forced and have no emotion in them and if you could see our eyes under the sunglasses you would be able to see that they were hollow and black, dead eyes. We were in a really bad place at this point, things weren’t good and we really couldn’t see us ever being happy again in future; to us, getting through the day was just a motion.

 
We have lots of photos with forced smiles over the past 2 and a half years .. But things are changing, Leo has changed that. Our eyes are no longer hollow and there is now genuine emotion back in our facial features and that’s all down to our little Rainbow. 

When we lost Millie, we actually lost our perfect little family, we no longer felt like a mummy and daddy, we just felt lost, stuck, useless and betrayed. We didn’t have a reason to get up everyday , we didn’t have another child to keep us going – we felt our lives were over.

Then along came Leo. He is our future; he is making our photographs happier, he is making our smiles … Well , he is making us smile …

  
If you are reading this and you know where Millie’s resting place is , please do not name it on any public forum as we have never publically stated where Millie’s resting place is. Her place is a private place for us to be with her. Please respect our wishes. 

Thank you

Joanne Millie Thompson 

4 thoughts on “Times are hard when times are different 

  1. Daliah Ziman

    Such beautiful smiles. So wonderful to see your gorgeous rainbow baby Leo smiling with happiness and love in his eyes for his mummy and daddy.
    xxx xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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  2. Emma

    I do not think you are wrong at all in taking Leo to see Millie. I know it is very different but we take our children to their grans grave all the time, 2 of our children unfortunately we never able to meet their gran in person. This is your family and you know what is best. Sending you all lots of love. Xx

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  3. HelenDavies

    You really have got your sparkle back in your eyes….. Both of you! What a beautiful little boy Leo is, but the of course he would be. I think it’s lovely that you take him to spend time with you at Millie’s resting place, it’s important for him to know all about her and to feel that connection so that he will grow up to understand why she will always be an important part of your lives. Keep smiling, keep getting stronger and enjoy your little man!! Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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