Feeling Lost 

I feel a bit lost today. A bit empty. I’ve just nipped out to get some lunch on my dinner at work and I don’t even want to get out of the car, I feel like I can’t face the world today. I’m quite happy holed up in my office.

The reason. It’s the start of the school term and it’s photographs galore on Facebook of all this new kiddies starting school. Which is absolutely lovely of course and I completely understand why parents want to share these images of their children, it’s a proud moment in your child’s life. But it’s really hard when you have an Angel Child that’s never going to get to experience that.  

Oh I’m crying now, I can’t see the screen. 

(Tissues used, eyes wiped, tears cleared) 

I genuinely would love to sit and scroll through the, I am sure what are extremely lovely, photos of children in their brand new spanking clean uniforms. But I can’t. 

Everytime I accidentally see one, I close Facebook down – in fact, I think for the next few days the best thing to do is avoid my personal page altogether.

It’s particularly hard this year as Millie should be moving into Pre-School and she’d have her first little experience of some type of uniform and more routine to her life – but she isn’t and she won’t. 

And that makes me cry. 

It makes me cry a lot. 

I dread to think what I’m going to be like next year when she would have been starting primary school if I feel like this, this year. It’s one of those days that you never want to happen. 

I don’t even have any photographs for this post today, there’s nothing I can think of that would be appropriate.

I know some people will find this a selfish post, “she shouldn’t be saying that, it’s not fair on children who are going to school” etc etc. I know that’s what some of you will be thinking … But the thing is, is that it needs to be said. People in general need to gain an understanding of how Angel Parents feel and at which points in their lives they are gonna have that little bit of a harder day than usual … This is one of those times. 

And in a few years time when Leo starts school, I will be there posting his photos, showing you guys how proud we are but I also know that someone, somewhere will see my photos of Leo and they will be upset because unfortunately this will be a point in their life where they need to cry and get angry at the world for the same reasons as why I feel lost and empty today. 

It’s Thursday today. I very rarely do this, but I am going to hold back on publishing this blog until the weekend because I want all those people experiencing their first taste of letting a child go to school really enjoy it and I don’t want this post to put a downer on that – so I’m going to publish this on Sunday instead.  ( I apologise if your child/ren haven’t gone back to school yet).

But please do me a favour, if you’ve got an Angel Parent as a friend and this is possibly a time when they may be struggling, drop them a text, just say hi and tell them that you are thinking of them, I promise you that they will appreciate it. 
You can follow Joanne on Twitter @joannet1985

13 thoughts on “Feeling Lost 

  1. Olivia Ramage

    Joanne, I have had three miscarriages (all girls) and my eldest child would have been coming up on 16 now. I love my two boys (13 and 7) to pieces but I’ll always see their siblings as missing pieces of out family. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs.

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  2. Stephanie

    Oh Joanne I hope you’re okay 😔 I love reading your posts, they’re always so accurate and relatable.
    I struggle with this hugely too, although for slightly different reasons. I lost 1 of twin girls to SIDS, Jessica, in May 2012. Kimberly, her twin sister, is starting nursery this following week. I’m so excited to see her dressed in her new uniform, and see her making new friends and enjoying her days, but I’m so sad that her sister isn’t getting to live these experiences too.. I just can’t get the image of the 2 of them walking in together holding hands out of my head! and it isn’t going to happen.. Which is so hard.
    Thinking of you during this hard stage 😔 xoxo

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  3. Amy Woodcock

    Dear Joanne,

    I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. I have children who went to school last week but I wanted you to know your post was not in anyway offensive. You need to express your feelings and although I cannot truly feel your pain during difficult times, I can only imagine the pain in your heart. It must hit you in ways you never thought possible. Angel Millie will always be with you. I do not know you personally but I follow your posts and Millie’s Trust and I cry with you and feel your tears. Leo is so beautiful, during the dark times just remember your cyber support and cyber friends are all there with you to listen and to support. You both have done amazing work and have done Millie so so proud. Although you may not be religious or you may be, I don’t know, I still pray for you all every night before I fall asleep and my daughter kisses her toy giraffe Millie every day. Bless you all and cyber hugs to you Joanne during this hard week. Amy xxx

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    1. JMT Post author

      Awww thank you for your lovely message, it is really nice to know that I haven’t offended anyone. I just want people to understand when it’s harder for angel parents throughout life. Thank you for your fabulous support. Joanne x

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  4. Juanita McLennan

    Hi, All of you ‘Angel Mummies’ are incredible women, even more so, when you carry on for the sake of another child/children. I would never consider any of you to be selfish and I would imagine that you struggle in silence, most of the time. You give me perspective, for which I will always be truly grateful.

    Much love to you, never far from my thoughts. Prayers and Angel kisses for your little ones. xxx

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  5. Sharon Looby

    Anyone who takes offence doesn’t have a heart xx you are helping lots of people understand that the thought processes you are having are perfectly understandable and acceptable xx Can’t wait to see Leo in his school uniform xx

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  6. Rachel Barrow

    Thank you so much for you most recent blog – thank you for saying what you did – I have given you an extra thought this weekend. Millie was born the day after my birthday & the same year as my youngest little girl (March 2012) & is starting school nursery tomorrow. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling, but I do think you are amazing for what you have done & doing. I love reading your blog & please don’t ever apologise for your blogging. Hugs to all the Angel babies & parents, especially Millie & you both xxx

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  7. Linda

    I lost my son at 3 days old, and for five years I have dreaded the day that he should have been starting school (we’re in Scotland so it was 3 weeks ago).
    I have 2 other children so the whole of the previous day when I was ironing all their uniform and getting their stuff together was pure torture. On the actual day, I went to work. I find that immersing myself in something and keeping busy is the only way to get through difficult days – I almost block it out, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.
    It was particularly hard as I have a few friends with children who were starting too, and I felt bad for not being gushy over their pictures.
    I totally agree that everyone is entitled to their wee moments of pride and joy, but at the same time, a small acknowledgement that not everyone is so lucky, would go a long way.
    Xxx

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    1. JMT Post author

      I’m so sorry to hear about your little boy. I have that habit too, of keeping myself busy as a distraction. I find it helps, although my Psychologist has taught me that I need to deal with some things head on or it will always be a problem and that’s very hard when I have to do that.

      Huge hugs xxx

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