08/09/10 – a date to remember 

Five years.

Five Whole Years since we got married in Seattle.

Happy Wedding Anniversary to us 😀

Sometimes I honestly wonder how we made it. 

 We’ll openly admit it. Losing Millie nearly broke us. It really did. How could it not? Losing a child could break anyone. 

Technically I believe we should have still been in the “Honeymoon” period of our marriage.

We were told very early on after losing Millie that over 80% of couples split up in the first year after losing a child together.  We decided that we were not going to be one of the couples in these statistics. 

I’m not surprised though that the figure is so high, I am not surprised at all.

When you get married, you don’t sign up for things like this. You sign up for what you think is going to make you happy. You get married, you have a family, they grow up, you get old, then you get grandchildren. 

Simple isn’t it. 

Er no.

Not for some people, certainly not for us. 

When we lost Millie, we had only just been married for 2 years. So this is our 3rd anniversary without our little girl, to be honest, sometimes we wondered if we’d make it to 3 and 4, never mind 5. Now we are at 5, we are determined to make it to take it as far as possible. Even on the toughest days, it’s too hard to walk away.

We’ve cried, we’ve screamed, we’ve shouted, we’ve argued, we’ve both walked out, we’ve spent hours not taking, we’ve spent hours being horrible to one another. We’ve sniped, we’ve called each other names, we’ve been nasty to one another. 

This isn’t how our marriage was before, not at all. Losing Millie had this devastating effect on our marriage but … We’ve climbed out of the other side and here we are celebrating 5 years together and to top that, we’ve now had our (not so) little Leo. 

We still argue, of course we do. All married couples argue (I’m pretty sure no one is sat here right now reading this thinking, “we don’t”  because we all know that we do, even if it’s just over not picking clothes up! 😀

I’m not sugar coating it all and pretending that we have had the perfect marriage since we lost Millie because we haven’t and I’m extemley doubtful that many people have after they’ve lost a child – hence the 80% split mentioned earlier that is reported and I don’t want anyone who unfortunately finds theirselves in our situation to think that it will be easy to stay together, because it’s not, it’s hard work. 

I know that some days, I have had a bad night and I’ve woken up and just not wanted to talk. This has irritated Dan because he has thought I was in a bad mood, when really all it was, was that I didn’t want to talk about anything. I wouldn’t speak, Dan would get upset that he had done something wrong and keep asking me if I was alright and then I’d snap and bite his head off. Poor Dan. That’s not being sarcastic. That’s real empathy. I do really feel sorry for him because I know how hard I have been to put up when I have had my bad days. But Dan has been the same with me. 

When you wake up like this, there’s nothing you can do to change it. You just have to get through the day and start again the day after – and that’s what we did. What we still do and I think it’s what we will always do.

Unfortunately because Dan and I are so close, it’s those closest to you that you take it out on and that’s what has happened. 

But… We have still had our good days too. Which is why we are still married today.

Maybe some of you think that it may have been easier to walk away because there have been more hard times than good. But on the other side of the coin, I can’t understand how somebody else could understand the pain of losing your child? How would someone else understand why you wake up and don’t want to talk to anyone all day? How someone else would know how to handle you when you see a little girl playing on the park or running around smiling in a cute little dress and all you do is cry? 

Obviously this does happen because so many people break up after child loss and move on with other people but I just couldn’t imagine sharing this horrific journey with anyone else other than Dan. 

For all that hurt, pain and million arguments there have been between us; even more hugs, nights where we have talked each other to sleep and millions of shared tears have happened and I am sure there will plenty more arguments -v- hugs for the rest of our lives. 

So how did we spend today? Our 5th anniversary? Do we still celebrate? Of course we do, because it’s about us today and that is how it should be. 

One unexpected plan for today on our anniversary was that Leo and I did an interview on the Lorraine show to help launch the Inspirational Women of the Year  Award which I won in 2014. Please click the link here to see the interview (and please excuse Leo’s burp on live TV, haha, it could’ve been worse 😂)

I have to say, not many people can say they got to spend their anniversary with Lorraine Kelly! 

(LK is on the lookout for the new Inspirational Woman of the year  2015 in conjunction with Women of the Year – for full details on how to nominate someone who inspires you, CLICK HERE)

Whilst we were in the Green Room for the Lorraine show this morning, we met this lovely lady who I kept looking at thinking, I know I recognise her but I just can’t place her … And then I did!

Earlier this week, I was watching a YouTube video of the most fabulous baby announcement and this was the lady, Giovanni Fletcher who is married to Tom Fletcher of McBusted Fame! If you haven’t seen their baby announcement, check it out here, I promise it is worth the watch

Seriously though, she was such a lovely down to earth lady, I love it when I meet people and they are like that! Good luck to her for the rest of their pregnancy!  (Look at that guys who have followed our story from the beginning, see how far I have come, I couldn’t have said that 2 years ago could I?)

Then we had a (not) so romantic meal at Five Guys in Covent Garden, check out the burger 😁 – we’ve never been there before, but we will definitely go again. (I hope my Slimming World leader doesn’t see this photo, whoops)   

Then we headed back up North to put our feet up and watch a film, but that plan went out of the window when we put the film in the PS3 and realised the controller is broken and we can’t press play! How annoying is that … Hmm. So recorded TV it is then, lol! 

We have so far follows the traditional gift list for anniversaries which is below;

1. Paper

2. Cotton

3. Leather

4. Fruit or Flower

5. Wood

When you have to think about it like this, it’s actually really hard! 

I’m heading off now, the day is catching up with me, but thought I’d leave you with this photo to make you smile x

Follow me on Twitter @joannet1985


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