Sometimes things don’t feel right at all. I’ve been quite down for a week or so now and many times I’ve thought that I just need to close my eyes and just block all the pain out for a few hours. It’s just so hard.
Leo, today, is now exactly the same age Millie is and always will be.
Tomorrow he will technically be older than his big sister and the run up to this has been sitting in the back of my mind for months, more so nearly everyday for the past few weeks.
I feel broken. I feel empty. I feel hateful. I feel guilty.
We are moving into a new era for us now, everything from today onwards is absolutely brand new to us. No one warned us how this would feel, they can’t because it’s impossible to describe.
We never got to the stage with Millie where we stopped sterilising bottles.
We never got to give her, her first taste of real milk.
We never got to her 12 month check up or injections.
We never got to hear her first word.
We never got to … In fact, there are too many “never got tos to list”.
All this is coming with Leo and we can’t wait, but it absolutely breaks my heart at the same time.
Last night was so sad, as Leo was falling asleep for his bedtime, I didn’t even need to ask Dan why he was crying because my head was working in exactly the same way – thinking about the last time we put Millie to bed in her room, not knowing we were never going to get to put her to bed again – the mind can be so cruel sometimes.
A couple of days ago, Leo knelt up in his cot with his head over the side for the first time – oh and it reminded me so much of Millie and I know it did Dan too, because when I shouted for him to come and look, he came running in took one look at him, smiled and then turned around with tears in his eyes – see what I mean? Everything is so amazing that Leo is doing but Dan, I know has the same broken hearted feelings as I do.
We are so proud of Leo and everything he is doing and discovering but there is this huge miss and pain for everything about Millie.
We should be making Millie’s school applications now, I knew this a while ago – Dan didn’t, I mentioned it to him last week. It’s being getting me down, in fact, real down. It’s times like this when it hurts a little more than usual. What I wouldn’t give to be filling that form in for Millie and getting excited about which uniform she would be wearing next September when she would start. Not sure how i’m going to feel next year when she should be starting – maybe we’ll just go on holiday for a few weeks to get away from the start of the new term. I know, I know, you’re not supposed to run away from things that you don’t want to see or that hurt or scare you, but sometimes it’s just so much easier for me to take myself out of the situation in the first place. (I hope my lovely psychologist who helped me so much isn’t reading this right now, she’ll be ringing me to tell me off.)
Sometimes it’s just so tiresome, I felt like I’ve done nothing but cry for the past 4 days whilst trying to avoid crying in front of Leo and making sure I always smile a big smile back at him when he grins his gorgeous toothy grin at me.
I don’t ever want Leo to live in Millie’s shadow and he won’t, Leo is this wonderful little boy who deserves so much love and a wonderful life just for being him. We of course, will never ever forget our Millie and Leo will be with us on every special occasion for her, just as Millie’s memory will be there on every special occasion for Leo.
Right now, I feel like I’ve been squished down in this tiny little box and I’m pushed in so tight that the only thing that can happen is that I’m going to explode out of it and send the top flying – I feel sorry for anyone who is near me when this happens.
I let down some friends over the weekend, I’d very bravely arranged for Dan and I to go out for a meal, very locally, and to leave Leo (already in bed) with one of our closest friends for a couple of hours. I genuinely had been looking forward to it for a couple of weeks, I even had a shower and started to get ready – but I crumbled just an hour before and that was it, ship was abandoned. Maybe I was being too eager thinking I could do this just a few days before getting to this big milestone … The thing is though, I’d arranged it because I so knew we needed to do it … Maybe I just planned it on the wrong weekend… Must try harder … As the saying goes.
Today hurts. A lot.
Tears fall for my baby girl but laughter will always happen for my baby boy.
Everything feels like a double edged sword at the minute. I feel happy, then I’m down , then I’m happy, then I’m down. Very much like a rollecoaster.
I feel like a little of the black dog has gotten his teeth into me this week and I’m trying so hard to get him to leave me alone.
Distraction was the key to today. So we went to visit Millie and had a long chat with her about how she will always be Leo’s big sister even though he will grow bigger than she ever was and we left her some pretty flowers. Then we went shopping and I got this lovely photo of Leo and our trolley, how can I not smile when he smiles at me like this X
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