You know when you just feel like you’ve just had one of this weeks … Well it’s been one of those weeks.
Earlier in the week it was my father-in-law’s anniversary, so obviously that always throws us slightly, in particular Dan of course – but it always brings back so many memories of such a hard period for Dan and I.
I always feel really guilty about attending Frank’s (my FIL) funeral as I don’t remember much of it to be honest – it was exactly a month after Millie’s funeral and to be honest, I was still very disorientated and heavily medicated on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. I was struggling getting through the days and nights and couldn’t really understand what had happened to us with Millie. I always feel guilty because I never cried at Frank’s funeral – purely because I think I’d used all my tears for Millie, I felt like I would never cry over the loss of anyone again. I got on really well with Frank and he was a great loss to all of us after his battle with bowel cancer.
But we headed on down to Frank’s resting place (which just happens to be right next to Millie’s) and laid some beautiful roses for Frank and Millie and a Poinsettia, more so because they last well outside at this period of the year.
Then the day after Frank’s anniversary – we had a funeral to attend, one of my grandma’s lovely friends who aways wrote us such lovely cards and letters.
This was the first funeral that we had been to since Frank’s and I wasn’t sure how either of us were going to react. To be honest, I’m not comfortable in churches as after our daughter was taken from us, I’m not a believer. How can I be? I know some of you will question that and have opinions in my lack of belief, but until you are in my shoes (which I hope you never will be) you can’t be sure of how you will think.
I broke down when this lovely lady’s casket was brought in, the flashbacks in my head started and I couldn’t look at it because it just reminded me of being at Millie’s funeral and the tears started. It was so hard being there but as hard as it was, we are glad that we went along. We made the decision on the morning that we weren’t going to go to the actual burial as I know that I couldn’t have coped with that, it was just too much for me and I know that it would have sent me over the edge and I didn’t want that.
And Leo attended too with us (albeit he fell asleep, but he was there) So that’s a first for him, his first funeral. I’m comfortable with this and Leo will always attend funerals with us throughout his life. I always attended funerals growing up as a child, I always visited family members at the Chapel of rest and I was there when my grandad died. I think it’s good to see the circle of life and again, I know this is a parent’s choice but I am glad that I had the chance to attend whilst growing up, especially now because I’m not sure how I would have reacted when Millie passed with regards to her funeral if I hadn’t have done. I understood that there were practicalities to take care of and quickly.
Then there was yesterday.
I was tootling along on my way back from a visit to the office and I let a car out of a side street whilst I was singing along in my car .. But I didn’t realise who I was letting out.
Within seconds, I realised I had let a hearse and funeral cars out and that it was the funeral director that had looked after Millie (he has some specific registrations that I know are his) and then I clocked the casket and that was it, the floodgates opened.
It wasn’t even that it was a casket, it was the type of casket – it was extemeley similar to what we had for Millie and I couldn’t help remembering what it felt like to be in that car following my daughter’s last journey.
It’s horrible, honestly, it really is – when I can be having an okay day and then something can happen in a matter of seconds that completely flips my mood in the opposite direction to what I was in even seconds earlier.
So that’s why I’ve had one of those weeks.
But there have been some good parts and there’s been some smiles. My favourite part being that Leo is catching on to waving back at me, something that we never really saw Millie do. I was extremely lucky one day and caught this photo of Millie.
But it was a total fluke, Millie just happened to lift her arm up as I was taking the photo, so it’s very deceptive as it looks like she is waving.
We’ve spent all day today at a conference where I gave a presentation about paediatric first aid and I received a standing ovation , wow, that made me cry.
On another note, you know, some people don’t like that Dan and I have picked ourselves up off the floor after what happened to our daughter and that we have done what we have done and we know that this is a minority of people and that thousands of other people support us all the way, whether it’s for the charity that we put our heart and soul into, the way we talk about what we have been through or just the fact that we are grieving parents that have survived.
I’d just like to say thank you to everyone single one of you that has supported Dan and I over the past few years in whatever way you have done xxx
This week has been tough. Too many tears X
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