Sitting at Millie’s resting place is so peaceful and calm. Many of you won’t be able to relate to that and honestly, that’s a good thing – I’m glad that you can’t.
I’m sat here right now after not being here for a week because we went away and got back last night.
Well, actually – we ran away.
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We didn’t want to be here over the few days that Millie should’ve been starting school.
I didn’t want to see all the gorgeous little kiddies, girls in particular being walking to their brand new schools – I know it would’ve hurt too much; some of you will think we took the cowards way out by running away but it was what was best for us and until you’ve walked in our shoes (which I actually don’t want you to ever have to do that), you’ve absolutely no right to judge.
Before we left last Saturday, we came and lay a gorgeous bouquet of flowers down for Millie – a bouquet bought by money that should have gone on Millie’s first school uniform or school shoes, not flowers for her sleeping place.
I’m not going to lie. I’ve struggled for this past few weeks, both of us have. The earliest part of last week was very hard in particular for us and we argued. Stupid, silly little arguments because we were both upset over Millie not being here starting school. It can’t be helped, we know that we are are always going to argue around special times that we should be going through with Millie – part of our grieving process I think and I know that’s never going to change.
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I even abandoned Facebook – my personal page. I knew that I couldn’t cope with all the obligatory first day of school door photographs which I know is a rite of passage – so I decided to come off it for it a while, so I didn’t have to see them. I’ll go back and have a look on a good day.
I was going to post a photo on here of our door that Millie should’ve been standing in front of – but there would be no point in me doing that because Millie wouldn’t have ever been stood in front of a door in the house that we live in now because we wouldn’t be living here. As many of you already know, we moved not long after Millie passed away because our garden backed onto the fields of that place where she passed away and we couldn’t stay living there watching other children play – it would’ve genuinely ended probably both of our lives.
And the doors that we have now – even Leo won’t have his photo taken in front of them because we’ve recently put our house up for sale; because that is all it is.
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It’s never really felt like a home to us because we moved here as a means to an end and have never had any intention of staying or making it a home. It was what we needed at the time. I don’t even remember viewing the house we live in now or actually moving in and that makes me sad. That’s part of the reason that we now want to find a “home”.
I actually genuinely cannot wait to choose our next home once ours sells because I can’t wait to pick out wallpaper that I want to come home too and have furniture in my garden that I want to sit in and watch Leo play in. It will be lovely to feel like we have a “home” again.
In a few years time though, we will be taking those first day photographs of Leo and I know that someone may look at them and feel sad like I do right now and even now I want to give that person a big hug.
For now though, we had a break, made some amazing new memories with our gorgeous Leo but it’s good to be back. xxx
Trying to get that family pic …. Always the same 😂
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