We’ve come to that part of life where we are getting ready for one of our children to start primary school. It’s one of the most confusing times I’ve had in a long time because
We’ve come to that part of life where we are getting ready for one of our children to start primary school.
It’s one of the most confusing times I’ve had in a long time because I’m trying to be excited for Leo, encouraging him to look forward to going to school, about how lovely it will be that he gets to spend every day with friends – but in the background, I am absolutely petrified of him going.
This isn’t just me not wanting him to go, you know, that “don’t want to let your baby grow up” feeling – I am petrified and so so sad but I’m not going to let Leo see or hear any of this because I want him to love school.
I really do want him to go, I want him to go so that he learns all about how to make explosions in science, so that he learns about Earthquakes in Geography and to play an instrument in his music class and spends times with all these lovely little children that may just become lifetime friends that he needs to help him deal with whatever situations life throws at him.
Standing at the doors yesterday as I left him to have his transition visit to primary school, I was very teary eyed and it wasn’t just for Leo. I was teary because I am so proud of him and who he is and how he is taking on this next stage of his life but I was also thinking about Millie or more of how we didn’t get to do this with her and we should have.
My head goes into overdrive in these situations and it take everything in me to hold myself together in public (don’t get me wrong, I often just suddenly start crying if my head goes to that place, but sometimes I have to be that little bit stronger for our kids – especially when the moment is about them).
It’s so hard creating that line of how we want our boys to see us in life. We want the boys to see us happy and we want them to enjoy every moment in life but every special/important moment that they have in life is a moment that we know that we never got to see or have with Millie and I know that there will never be a situation in life where we don’t think of her when the boys are going through something special but we want the boys to have their special moments without seeing Mummy and Daddy upset.
Yet on the other hand, we don’t like to hide our emotions from the kids as we want them to know that it’s ok to experience different emotions throughout life and be comfortable enough to know that it’s ok to be upset and for other people to see that they are upset.
You see the predicament we are in?
I’m sure that it will be easier when the boys are much older and they understand how Millie passed away and not just that she passed away, that’s what I’m hoping anyway.
