Laying in bed last night, I couldn’t get to sleep. It’s suddenly just hit me that my biggest boy is going to school. Although I’ve been buying his (expensive) uniform for weeks, it just didn’t
Laying in bed last night, I couldn’t get to sleep. It’s suddenly just hit me that my biggest boy is going to school.
Although I’ve been buying his (expensive) uniform for weeks, it just didn’t seem like it was real.
I’m petrified. I’m petrified of putting him in someone else’s hands again. Someone who I don’t know. Someone who doesn’t know us. I’m writing this with tears rolling down my eyes and I’m led here thinking about him in that big classroom with 29 other children. I feel sick.
This isn’t just normal Mummy starting school worries, this is anxiety through losing our first daughter when she was in the care of someone else. This is sending my child to nursery and never bringing her home again. This is crushing me.
I don’t want Leo to go to school and not be with one of us all week. I don’t want to say goodbye in the morning and not see him all day. I don’t want him not to be here sat on my knee at 10am drawing a smiley face, or an alien at a house. I don’t want him to not FaceTime me from our sofa with Asher after lunch when he’s at home with daddy and I’m at work.
…. I just don’t want to.
There’s a saying isn’t there, if you love someone you have to let them go… I know it normally refers to romantic links but I think the same concept applies here.
Because I love him.
I have to let him go.
Because I love him.
I have to let grow.
Because I love him.
I have to let him explore.
What kind of mum would I be if I held him
back? If I didn’t let him play with his friends? If I didn’t let him experiment with things? If I didn’t let him play like his friends do? If I didn’t let him go to school to discover who he will become and miss out on all his achievements that he would be destined for?
Making the decision to let him attend nursery 2 days a week is obviously making it a little easier for us …. but not easy. It’s 5 days, 5 days out of 7 that he won’t be with us.
The tears falling down my face won’t stop, there’s an ache inside my bones that is pushing against my skin and the taste of the salt in my tears is toxic.
I will be the mum that will learn to love the walk to school because I will know that he is learning so much there.
I will be the mum that loves seeing his muddy clothes and scuffed shoes because it’s proof to be that he is happy and enjoying his time at school.
I will be the mum that sits and reads with him everyday and helps him with his homework when he needs me.
I will be the mum that loves having all of his friends round for tea at our house because the noise makes me smile so much; a house with no noise to me has too many reminders.
I will be the mum that loves my son gaining his independence and carving his path out in life as I grow old and shed a tear that my boy has a life to live. M
Love you Leo xxx
My heart aches for you, I cried with you reading this. I have a little 2 year old grandson, i worry myself to death over him, just as i did with his Mum when she was young. You should be very proud, each step of letting go is so hard, for you so much harder. I have been with my daughter and son in law on one of your courses when my grandson was born, we asked the question “are you all first aid trained” when we visited the nursery he will be attending. In the memory of your beautiful baby girl Millie, you have both done so much and prevented the same thing happening to so many other babies. Be very proud, you are both so amazing xxx
Hi Denise, thank you for your kind words and amazing that you’ve been on our courses and that you asked the nursery that question!!!! xxx
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is going to be for you when Leo starts school but as a Mum of two boys, an ex- teacher and now TA I admire your strength and honesty. How you handle all the firsts that you are having with Leo is nothing short of amazing.
I’m sure Leo will love school and will be running out to greet you at home time bursting with excitement and telling you all the fun things he has done that day.
My eldest starts 6th form on Tuesday, I’m hoping he has chosen the right A’ Levels for him. All he wants to do is teach and I’m sure with his determination he will do it. I’m worried I will put him off, as I fell out of love with teaching but I’m so happy as a TA and finding a work life balance I had lost as a teacher.
Will be thinking of you on Monday and am pretty sure Leo’s school will soon have a Millie’s Mark if it hasn’t got all staff all first aid trained already! (We’re all qualified at my school – HT to TAs to site manager!😇)
Thank you Ro, you are so kind! Good luck to your boy starting sixth form x
Oh Joanne, I really feel for you, your are a brilliant mum , it’s so hard to let them go at any time, but when you have trusted someone with your most precious
posetion and have been let down, it must be so hard. You are a strong mother who always puts your children first. You can do this for your boys, to help them reach their full potential and Millie will be by your side.xx
Sending love and hugs.xx Pat x
Thank you Pat x