3rd of November today ….. just another date? Another day in the memory bank, it was the last date that I saw Millie in 2012 – another one that is a mental scar in my
3rd of November today ….. just another date?
Another day in the memory bank, it was the last date that I saw Millie in 2012 – another one that is a mental scar in my head. I know I’ve been jittery and distant and maybe, if I’m honest a little angry over the last few days but it’s part and parcel of her anniversary time now – it gets more manageable every year though- not easier, more manageable.
I remember in so much detail what she was wearing, the little items we put in her coffin and the final words that I said to her when I knew this would be the last time I would see her little face. At some point, I’ll tell you more about this day but it’s 9pm now and I’m writing this with tears in my eyes watching Anaya sleep in front of me and looking at her beautiful face which is unbelievably so like Millie’s.
10 years ago, I was an absolute zombie between the period about a week before Millie’s anniversary up until the 4th of November, the day after her burial date. Now, I can’t even get frustrated in the run up to Millie’s anniversary because it’s her little brother’s birthday the day before, so my mind doesn’t even time to open that box as much as it used to and as awful as her anniversary is, I do very much struggle with the funeral date too.
This year has been a little tougher too because Anaya is coming up to 5 months and I am going to have to start weaning her soon, she is so getting ready for, she just stares at anyone eating food and dribbles, it’s so cute in a weird way.
This morning at breakfast we were in a hotel and I decided that I was going to put her in a high chair for the first time, course I was , I mean if I was already emotional over the date, why not go head first into another challenge at the same time, weirdly this often works best for me.
Guess what? I put her in a high chair and surprise, surprise, the world didn’t stop, I didn’t fall off my seat and there were no explosions anywhere, she just sat and giggled … just like I remember Leo and Asher doing when I weaned them.
So that’s the next challenge, starting to wean but first we need to put the high chair together.
I’ve had the highchair looking at me in the kitchen in a box for months, that was step 1 of the end goal.
It’s quite a big box too, I don’t know how I haven’t moved it yet with it getting in the way.
I like to put the highchair together and put my children in it to get used to seeing them in it. (For those that don’t know, my first born daughter Millie started to choke in her high chair at nursery when she was eating her lunch before she sadly passed away).
So, as you again imagine, high chairs are definitely a trigger for me, a trigger that I’ve learnt to deal with in my own way… and that is to watch my other children play in them for a few days before I feed them in there, it’s my way and it works.
So, I’m off to build a high chair now, step 2!
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