I’ve honestly struggled to sit down and write over the past couple of weeks because every time I’ve tried to I’ve just sat here and cried.
October is a really tough month for us and I think it is always going to be. I try and keep myself as busy as possible every minute of every day because when I sit down and stop, my mind gets all muddled up and emotional; my heart hurts, my chest tightens and my whole body crumbles.
I’m doing it again, I’m sat here crying whilst writing but this time I’m going to carry on. I’ve just put Leo down for his afternoon nap and I can hear him gibbering to himself and I love that so much. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, I lie in bed listening to him whilst giggling at all the new noises he is making before he drifts back off to sleep .
He is so much like Millie at the moment and that’s really hard.
Donate for Millie’s Anniversary
Text MILL03 £10 to 70070 to donate to Millie’s Trust (you can donate £1 to £10)
The way he looks, some of his mannerisms and the new skills that he is developing on a daily basis. I always wondered what time would be the hardest with him in this first year and this is probably becoming one of the hardest periods because he is so similar in age now and he is doing things that Millie was just before we lost her. I know the next couple of months are going to be a struggle, I can feel it getting harder already. I’m crying a lot more than usual, I’m more worked up and I’m struggling with certain aspects of being a mum again.
After Millie passed away, we put some of Millie’s clothes aside that she had recently worn, so we could keep the smell of her as long as possible – still today, nearly three years later, they are the same.
Recently though, Leo has developed a very similar smell, particularly in the evenings. It must be the combination of milk and dribbling from teething and it is completely knocking me for six. I can’t find fully the words to describe how it makes me feel. I pick Leo up if he is upset for a cuddle and I hold him so tight like I always do but his smell makes me break. I stand there singing to him or talking to him whilst he is calming down or falling asleep on me whilst I stand crying above his head because the smell is taking me back to those final days with Millie and it hurts me so much. It hurts me because I miss her so much but it also hurts me because I don’t want Leo to see me upset and I am trying my hardest to smile through the pain when I am like this and with him.
It’s getting harder being out and about too. I have been all over the place this week because we are so busy and I’ve noticed the effects of seeing and hearing ambulances are having on me again. I’m starting to freeze when I hear them and I really have to concentrate to ignore them and make the noise go away; it takes me back to a place where I don’t want to be and it’s so hard to carry on as normal.
I’m struggling with Leo’s weaning, I really am. I’ve tried. I am trying but sometimes it’s just too hard. Dan put the highchair up but I haven’t used it, to be honest, I can’t stand the sight of it but I know I will get there, just like everything else. On the other hand though, Dan is ok with Leo being in his highchair so as long as one of us is using it with him (albeit when I’m not in the house) – I think that’s ok.
One thing I have noticed though, is that if we eat out anywhere, we always get offered a high chair – which is standard in a restaurant. As you can imagine, I aways refuse – this has made for some interesting looks from the staff – especially because of the size of Leo and the fact that I would rather have our little (not so little) boy sat on my knee all the way through our meal than put him in a highchair. The staff are alway nice enough when I refuse though but it must really confuse them.
The one thing I have been able to be ok with Leo having is Frubes, you know the yoghurt in a tube. He loves them – and I’m ok with that. But the rest of weaning, that can wait until after Millie’s anniversary because I’m just not comfortable now and that’s what I need to be for it to work and for us to get through this stage.
This week has been particularly hard as well because we were obviously following what was happening with the gorgeous little boy Jacob Jenkins, who unfortunately lost his life after choking in a restaurant.
When we heard the news that he had passed away, it was like a punch to the gut. The feelings that were with us that first night and the next few days after losing Millie came flooding back and knowing exactly what his wonderful mum and dad were going through absolutely rocked me because it is the most horrendous thing to happen to you as a parent.
We were contacted by a lot of media following Jacob’s passing – because of Millie and to be honest, I really struggled. I wanted so much to give those interviews because of the subject matter but it absolutely broke my heart throughout the day talking about what had happened to Millie over and over again (more so because it’s nearly her Anniversay) and then knowing how Jacob’s parents were feeling.
I didn’t want to upset his parents by talking about this on the news but it’s such an important message to get across to people. By the end of the day on Thursday I was in pieces and I had kept myself together but after my third visit of the day to Media City, I finally broke down and cried in the car on the way home – in fact most of the way home but once it had all flooded out, I was ok. I have also since heard that Jacob’s parents are ok with everything I talked about on the news and this is such a relief for me to hear.
I really hope the nastiness online stops with regards to his parents, they don’t need to see or hear things that are being posted online. One thing that has always stuck with me after Millie passed away is that I read a comment that said something along the lines of “the mum should be sterilised for putting her baby in nursery at 9 months old – that’s far too young”. This comment nearly destroyed me at the time I read it because I was in such a bad place and it really could have caused me to end my life. I really started to believe that is what people thought about me. For every 1000 comments there will be one that is nasty but unfortunately that is the one that will stick with you. I know now, but it did take me a long time to understand, that the people that leave comments like this are just sad, lonely, bitter and twisted people who have nothing better to do with their lives than to be opinionated about others.
Our hearts really are with Jacob’s parents and I hope they get through the next couple of weeks using the love that they have for on another – that’s the only reason Dan and I got through those first few weeks.
So, in less than a week now, it will be Millie’s third anniversary – I honestly can’t believe it’s been that long already.
She should be running around being cheeky with her pigtails in, coming in dirty from playing in the garden with mud in her hair. But she isn’t. We have to visit her resting place where she sleeps that we keep as beautiful as we can for her. We take Leo down too as he will always know who and where his big sister is.
So, in preparation for that and to raise awareness of Millie’s Trust around her anniversary, we are asking you to please use our logo (below) as your Facebook profile picture to infiltrate Facebook with pink giraffes.
Donate for Millie’s Anniversary
Text MILL03 £5 to 70070 to donate to Millie’s Trust (you can donate £1 to £10)
Thank you so much for your support at this hard time of the year for us and we are looking forward to seeing all these pink giraffes on Facebook for Millie’s anniversary.
You can now follow me on INSTAGRAM
Search for MILLIELEOSMUM
Also follow the charity on there to, search for MILLIESTRUST