It’s been a very strange and tough old couple of weeks in the run up to Christmas for us.
We haven’t celebrated Christmas since we lost Millie, which only actually means that Dan and I have only actually celebrated Christmas together just twice since we got together nearly 6 years ago. When you think about it like that, it seems quite strange.
We spent the first couple of years together with Dan’s family which was lovely at the time but when Millie came along, we really wanted just to have our own little family Christmas at home as our little family – but we never got that. We only got as far as buying Millie some presents – but she never got them as we lost her before we got chance to have a Christmas together. So this year, we are giving Leo these special presents specifically from Millie, they are wrapped in different wrapping paper to everything else for him because they are off his Angel sister.
(Millie’s presents for Leo -we ran out of white snowflake so had to use white robin for the last one)
It’s been one hard step after another this week. In my last blog, I talked about how we had managed to put a Christmas tree up, which I’m glad we did because Leo absolutely loves the lights and watches them all the time.
Many of you have also previously read about how we took Leo to meet Santa and visit the reindeer (read that blog here) so that we had those extra special memories for us and to have photos for Leo to look back on. So you see, as hard as it is, we keep trying … We keep pushing ourselves, for Leo.
We made the decision earlier in the month that we weren’t going to give presents to anyone this year and asked people not to buy them us (they of course could for Leo, if they wanted to and he has been totally spoilt) but Dan and I have been finding it hard enough to deal with buying Leo presents for the past couple of months and trying to bring some Christmas into our home. I’m pretty sure everyone has understood why we have made this decision. To not celebrate for 3 years and then to suddenly have to do it again for Leo has been tough, it’s been really tough but we knew that we needed to do it and more so whilst he is little because the biggest thing for me was that I didn’t want to look back and remember his “first” Christmas wasn’t how it should have been and how Millie’s would have been. He deserves his first treasured Christmas and so do we to be honest.
These memories flashed up on my Facebook this morning, so you can see I actually used to love Christmas …
But I’ve hated it ever since we lost Millie but this year it’s a little different because we have Leo and I can’t wait to see how he reacts tomorrow morning. I’m not excited for me, but I’m happy for Leo that he is going to get his 1st Christmas because when he was born I still wasn’t certain that we would be doing it this year.
A mum I know, who lost her gorgeous boy in 2008 and has since gone on to have another equally gorgeous boy told me that as bittersweet as it is , her younger son is so excited that she is now looking forward to the day – she gives me hope that further down the line, that I’ll start to feel the same – to have real feeling for Christmas again.
We’ve gotten Leo in the Christmas spirit today with his clothing and of course taken obligatory photographs … How could we not?
We’ve not done much at all today, in fact Dan has been painting the hallway whilst I’ve been chopping the veg for tomorrow!
I’m sure that the next couple of years will change things at Christmas for us even more so as Leo learns what all the excitement is about and gets excited about Santa coming but the choices we have made for this Christmas are just enough to make some lovely memories to look back on.
So this evening, we’ve got our Santa plate ready except in our house Santa has a Disaronno waiting for him to keep him warm on his travels 😀 and a chocolate biscuit as our Santa fancies a change from a mince pie when he reaches our house. (Neither Dan or I can stand mince pies). We also all have our brand new pyjamas to wear on Christmas Eve … and all Millie’s thing ready and waiting to take down to her sleeping place in the morning when we wake up. We’ve already headed on down there about an hour ago to put new christmas lights up and light some lovely candles for her on Christmas Eve – this is somethimg special we can always do for her. 😍
I’d just like a couple of thoughts here for everyone who has a lost loved one to remember at Christmas but more so all the parents out there that are missing their precious child/ren on Christmas Day. Unfortunately most of you will know someone who has lost a child, just take two seconds right now to send them a text and let them know that you are thinking of them and remembering their children – I promise they will appreciate it so much ❤️❤️❤️
So, let’s see what Christmas Day brings for us and we would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and hope you all have an amazing day xxx
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***Please note the Millie’s Trust shop will be back online after New Year***