‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse ….. hang on wait a minute … that’s not right because there are creatures stirring…
Mummy preparing the food in the kitchen with her G&T going down well, daddy tweaking away with tools putting some of Leo’s presents together and the dog, well she is trying to pinch Santa’s cookies. I’m not sure who wrote that poem, but I’m pretty sure that they weren’t in any normal family home 😂😂😂.
Santa had an upgrade for a visit to our house this evening … 😜 we decided he would be bored of mince pies and milk by the time he hit our place.
This year we are in our new home after a manic few weeks and it feels so homely already.
This is the first year that I’ve actually looked forward to Christmas since we lost Millie. 2012,2013,2014, we completely ignored the fact it was happening and last year we only did a very small Christmas with a tiny Christmas tree and a little meal because it was our first in 4 years and Leo was only small and didn’t really know anything was happening at all.
This year is completely different.
As soon as we moved in, we threw our tree up, the tree that we had ready for Millie’s 1st Christmas and never got to use. Dan and I have done presents for one another as well as all the new kiddie things we are experiencing after not being able to do them with Millie.
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If you look really closely at the photo of this tree, you will see that we have a slightly different tree topper to make us smile every time we look at the tree.
Tonight, we have shown Leo how to leave out Reindeer food on the drive and how he needs to leave a special key out for Santa to ensure he can get through our door, as well as the obligatory treats for Santa and his reindeer. It really has been lovely to do all this with our little man this year. I can’t wait to see his little face in the morning, he has spent the last few days bringing us presents from under the tree but not understanding why he can’t open them.
The hardest thing for me today has been Millie’s flowers. I always struggle with this as it’s always the final thing that we have to purchase. I know I turn into a quivering wreck when I have to do this and I know that I had tears in my eyes whilst in the queue and when I was paying; I had to wipe away the tears whilst putting in my pin number.
I shouldn’t be buying flowers. I should be buying toys and pretty clothes for Mills for Christmas. We’ve also put some pretty lights on – her Christmas flowers will be laid tomorrow on Christmas Day.
Tonight my heart goes out to anyone who is experiencing Christmas throughout child loss and in particular to anyone experiencing their first Christmas through childloss. This is the hardest and most painful, it doesn’t get any easier but in our experience we’ve found things that help us get through this time with a little less pain.
It’s a double whammy for us this year after we recently lost another child through miscarriage but it’s not going to stop us enjoying for Leo. He needs to smile, he needs to laugh and he certainly needs to enjoy Christmas!
The elves (aka daddy) in our house are just putting some final touches to very special toys for Leo tomorrow, which were actually supposed to be for Millie on her first Christmas but she never got chance to play with them – I’m sure that Leo will love them.
Love Joanne xxx
To read my last blog Foul Language, click here