Diary of a missed miscarriage 

14th November 2016

No one wants to think that something is going to go wrong during your pregnancy. 

No one wants to be a statistic but sadly according to those statistics 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage (loss of pregnancy during the first 23 weeks). 

When you have already lost a child, no matter how this happened, any subsequent pregnancies are tainted with this normal parent-to-be worry but this worry is automatically magnified a thousand times or even more. 

I am writing this at 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my third child after losing my precious daughter at just 9 months old in October 2012 and subsequently going on to have our rainbow baby Leo in February 2015. 

Yesterday, I had to go to hospital. I had a small bleed whilst on a family day out. It frightened the life out of me. The fact I was also in a hospital 2 hours away from home, made everything that little bit worse. For many of you who have followed our story, you’ll know that I suffer with anxiety in hospitals after losing Millie. Luckily at the time it happened, we had some of our best friends with us and Leo could be looked after in the hospital playroom by someone that we completely trust. 

I didn’t suffer with any bleeds at all whilst pregnant with Millie or Leo, even when I was in a car accident at nearly 8 months pregnant with Leo; this is why I am so worried. 

The hospital must see things like this all the time. After waiting a few hours and finally having an internal examination (similar to a smear test) done,  I was told that my pregnancy levels were as to be expected at this stage  (which is a good sign) but that I needed a scan to confirm whether or not this is an ectopic pregnancy. I was booked in for a scan in a week’s time at my chosen hospital.

A week. 

I thought I might be able to wait this long

I can’t.

I’m on bed rest at home until we find out for definite. 

I can’t wait a week. 

So we’ve chosen to book a private scan, one that we can go to tomorrow afternoon. We’ll know either way then.

I’m not hopeful. How can I be when our daughter was so cruelly taken? I know we have been very lucky to have had Leo since losing Millie and he is our blessing but I unfortunately still see the worst in a lot of things and it is so hard and tiring living my life like this- I hope one day I won’t feel like this all the time. 

So, I’m sat here crying now, I’ve just broken down walking up the stairs at home and the tears won’t stop coming. 

I won’t be posting this blog right now. 

We need to find out what’s happening next and when we do, maybe then I’ll post. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll wait. 

For now, I just needed to write it down … and cry a little more. x

15th November 2016

We’ve lost the baby. 

During our private scan it became apparent that baby had stopped growing at about 7 and a half weeks. 

Apart from the small bleed a couple of days ago, I currently haven’t naturally miscarried.

This means tomorrow we have to visit the hospital to find out what happens next. 

I am devastated.

We are heartbroken. 

Life is so, so cruel. 

16th November 2016

As you can imagine, I didn’t get much sleep last night, I spent a lot of the night crying or just staring at the ceiling. I feel like a zombie. I’ve finally gotten up at some silly hour and come downstairs; Dan and Leo are fast asleep – so it’s just Rolo (our dog) and me snuggled up on the sofa. I wear Rolo knows when I am sad.

I’m waiting to call the Early Pregnancy Unit. By the time we’d come out of the private scan last night – it wasn’t open and it’s now 6am and still not open and I’m not even sure what I should be doing or if I even need to be doing anything. 

I think the fact I haven’t miscarried naturally is worsening the situation for me because I’m waiting for something to happen and I can’t get in touch with anyone at the hospital to find out what is going to happen…

Later Today …

So I managed to speak to a lovely mental health nurse at the hospital that was there if I needed her when pregnant with Leo after what we had been through with Millie and she managed to get me squeezed in for a hospital scan and to see the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU). 

I struggled with this because when I originally called the EPU to try and get everything confirmed, I again was told that I just had to wait for a general scan appointment, a week later. I completely  understand that the NHS staff on the front line are amazingly busy and completely overworked, but whoever made that decision in higher management to only book suspected baby loss parents in for “the next available scan”,  which in my case was over a week after my original hospital visit, needs to have a rethink because believe you me, waiting that long for a scan to confirm whether you have lost a baby or not is not good for anyone’s mental health – which is why I was lucky (lucky, not sure that’s the correct word to use here) to be able to access the pregnancy mental health nurse because of my past. 

The sonographer (who was very kind) once again confirmed that baby had stopped growing about 7 and a half weeks and I had had what is known as a “missed miscarriage”  I didn’t actually know that you could miscarry this way, I thought it just happened. 

… now what came next, I certainly didn’t expect…..

Definition:

” A missed miscarriage (also called silent or delayed miscarriage) is where the baby has died or failed to develop but your body has not actually miscarried him or her. The scan picture shows a pregnancy sac with a baby (or fetus or embryo) inside, but there is no heartbeat and the pregnancy looks smaller than it should be at this stage.” (Miscarriage Association) 

….. They told me that I now had to wait 10-14 days to have another scan, apparently this is a precaution to ensure that the dates aren’t wrong and that I couldn’t be a month less pregnant than I think. 

I’m not. 

I know I’m not. 

I’m certainly not expecting to see any change in two weeks when I got back for the next scan but I completely understand why I have to wait and I’m dreading this next couple of weeks.

Other than this, we weren’t given any other information other than, I may now possibly miscarry at home in the next couple of weeks. If I don’t, I have to make a decision of whether I want medical intervention. 

We went to the Chemist on the way home, below is a list of what we bought – to help me if I naturally miscarry at home; not your average shopping bag after a scan or what I expected to be purchasing this week. 

1) Two hot water bottles

2) Night time Sanitary Towels

3) Ibruprofen 

After Millie’s first scan, we went straight out to buy her hospital coming home outfit.

17th November 2016

The waiting for something to happen is horrendous and it’s only been just over 24 hours. 

I am petrified every time that I go to the bathroom in case it’s started or is about to start. I honestly do not know what to expect. Of course, I’ve googled it – who wouldn’t? All I can seem to find is a few forums of women having conversations about having miscarriages, I can’t seem to find anything concrete about what is going to happen or what I am going to feel like when it does happen, physically or mentally. 

This might sound completely daft but I don’t want to leave the house because I’m scared it’s going to happen whilst I am in the middle of a shop or walking down a street. I don’t know what to expect, whether it will be painful or whether there will suddenly be a gush like when your waters break? What will I do if I am on my own with Leo outside the house and this happens? 

I’m worried about Dan. 

I know he is hurting too and I also know that he is worried about me and what I am going through. Sometimes Dad’s are forgotten during miscarriage, I don’t want Dan to feel like that at all. He is part of this baby too, this baby is part of him. I know that he is making it all about me and looking after me because I know that I am the one that needs looking after physically. I’m tired. I’ve not slept properly in days. 

My body is still acting as though it’s pregnant. 

This is really hard, this is my third pregnancy, I started to show earlier with this one than my other two. I took this photo last week … before I knew anything was wrong. I even sent it to a couple of close friends because I was excited, something that I sadly cannot say I felt at this stage whilst pregnant with Leo because I was so worried about something happening to him during pregnancy after losing Millie. 


Quite a bump for nearly 10 weeks, I know. I was shocked myself, joking it was twins but the thing is …is now I still have this bump. I still have heartburn, my chest is bigger than usual because technically I am still pregnant … except my baby has stopped growing inside me … nobody has told my body that though, it just keeps plodding along as though baby is still cooking in there. 

Seen as I’m not keen on leaving the house, I think I’m going to start to pack. I can’t sit around doing nothing, that will surely drive me crazy. 

We’re just waiting for a completion date to move, we are really hoping it is before Christmas but we’ll see. Packing will be a distraction for me I hope. 

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18th November 2016

I had cabin fever today and needed to get out of the house, so we went to a local new shop that had opened just for a wander and then out for some dinner, just close enough to get home quickly if we needed to. 

Whilst we were out for dinner, I had a little bleed again and it upset me a lot. I came home, went straight to bed and slept for 3 hours. I definitely needed this sleep as I’ve struggled all week during the night. If I’m asleep, I don’t have to think about it. I thought this was the start of it. I’m not sure it was now. 

20th November 2016

The waiting is slowly driving me insane. 

Nothing is really happening yet, a bit more spotting and some pains in my right side tonight but other than that nothing. I told Dan to go back to work a couple of days ago, there’s no point him being here just waiting and seeing me worked up all the time. I’m completely capable of looking after Leo at home and Dan is only a phone call and 10 minutes drive away if I need him to come home. 

We’ve had to cancel a trip up to Scotland on 24th November that we’ve had arranged to see our friend because I just don’t want to risk the miscarriage starting on the 8 hour journey and couldn’t bear the thought of this happening in a hotel room somewhere random.

I feel like my life is on hold right now. 

Wednesday 23rd November

I’ve been convinced it was going to happen today as it’s the 23rd, a date Dan and I both hate as it’s the number date in October that Millie passed away and today is actually the 4th anniversary of Dan’s dad passing away, a month after Millie did. Going to bed now though and not feeling any different. Still waiting. 

Thursday 24th November 

We should have been going up to Aberdeen today to visit our friends and their new baby but we couldn’t because of what it happening to me. I’m genuinely gutted as I couldn’t wait to see our friends and their new baby. Feeling extremely down today and needed to get out of the house as I havent been out for nearly a week, so Leo and I took a trip to Wilmslow, a 15 minute drive away.  I’d ordered Dan a Christmas present that had arrived so it was an excuse to go out but without going too far. 

We didn’t stay out very long, maybe an hour or so as I’ve began to bleed a bit and have been uncomfortable. I’m still not holding out much hope of anything happening before I’m booked back into the Early Pregnancy Unit on Monday for a scan and to make a decision.

I’ve just come to bed though after having some really bad back ache and a wave of sickness coming over me. Felt a bit strange. 

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Friday 25th November 

I think I’ve miscarried today. 

How ridiculous does that sound? I think. 

That’s because I didn’t really know what to expect or how it was going to be, I don’t even know how to tell if it’s over or not? 

I awoke at 6am suddenly with an urge to run to the toilet. As I stood up and took a step, I felt blood rushing out of me. It was awful, every time I moved more came. I literally just had to stand there whilst Dan got me a bathroom towel to help me as I walked to the bathroom. 

I’m not going to go into the rest as I don’t want to right now. 

It was horrendous though. Both physically and emotionally and I haven’t cried like I did this morning in a long time.

I was having labour type pains all morning and then a similar thing happened all over again about 11am and then again about 3pm. 

I went back to bed, curled up with a hot water bottle and I’ve cried a lot today.

I feel so sorry for Dan having to watch this happen to me and our baby. It’s his baby too and to watch his wife like that must be such a hard thing for him to see. 

I know that he feels like he can’t help but he’s helping me so much just by being by my side.

Saturday 26th November

I’ve slept most of the day today, probably because I’ve not had much sleep in the past 11 days. Dan kept bringing little Leo into the bedroom to see me, how can I not smile for him? 

I’ve cried a lot today too. A very lot. 

I felt a little better and decided to get up for an hour before Leo was to go to bed so I could see him, he really makes me laugh. I just led on the sofa and he kept bringing things to me and talking to me. Just what I needed. 

Sunday 27th November

Not feeling as good as yesterday. 

I’m in a bit more pain and bleeding heavily again and feeling sick. I’m a little worried about me having an infection because it’s been a while since the baby stopped growing now and it’s taken this long to miscarry. I don’t know what is normal and what isn’t right now. 

I wasn’t given any details about what to look out for with regards to symptoms of an infection – which is slightly worrying. Luckily I have a friend who is a midwife and I dropped her a message and she explained what I should be looking out for, this put my mind at ease a little. (You can see symptoms at the end of this blog) 

It turns out that the miscarriage hadn’t completed on Friday as I thought. It happened again this evening at 6pm – and I am absolutely certain now that this is it, it was different from Friday but bizarrely no pain this evening. 

I’m feeling very sad this evening knowing that it’s the end of my 3rd pregnancy and we’ve lost the baby. I just need to get it confirmed at hospital now. 

Monday 28th November 

Early appointment at the hospital this morning. The EPU I thought was quite a sad place to be because there must have 5 or 6 women there to start with and probably twice that pass through whilst we were waiting – many, I am guessing,  having preganancy problems and the likelihood is that one of these ladies had miscarried too. No one was smiling in this room. Everyone looked worried and pained. 

I was taken in to see a nurse and was asked if anything had happened in the past 12 days and I explained what had happened over the weekend and what I’d seen and she told me that it sounded like I had miscarried. Through teary eyes I replied that I understood and she then said I would need to have a further internal scan to ensure everything from the pregnancy had left me. A doctor did the scan and confirmed that everything was as it should be.

We left the hospital with me crying and Dan clearly upset and drove home; the day after should’ve been our 12 week scan.

Saturday 30th December (one month later) 

I wanted to leave posting this blog for a month or so after I miscarried so I could write a little about what’s happened since and how I have felt. 

Physically: It took about 2 weeks after miscarrying for my body to settle down again. It was hard still having a little bump and the bigger chest, I think I found this the hardest to deal with. I didn’t want to look or feel like I was pregnant knowing that I wasn’t anymore. I started to feel much better when these symptoms settled down. 

Mentally:  I went back to work more or less straight after it happened as I didn’t feel like being at home would help – I needed a distraction. (Distraction theme keeps coming up doesn’t it – I’m good at distracting myself from issues – although my pyschologist used to roll her eyes at me for using the distraction technique) 

I know that I’ve dealt with miscarrying our baby a lot stronger than a lot of women would have – I really do think this  is because of the pain and trauma I went through when losing Millie who was 9 months old when we lost her. It might seem a little strange but the grief from losing this baby has been completely different from the grief following Millie – possibly because I’ve had a lot of help with how to deal with grief and possibly because we’ve lost a child before.

Yes I’ve cried. Yes I’ve not slept. Yes, I’ve avoided looking at newborns whilst out shopping. Yes I am hurting. 

Losing a baby/child is so hard for anyone. I’m sure that so many of you can relate to this. As soon as you get that positive pregnancy test you start to plan things for the baby, whether it be a name, the colour of their nursey or whether you will breast or bottle feed. When you lose a pregnancy or child, you lose a future and all the plans that you had for him/her. 

In our case, we were just going through a house purchase so we had already had discussions about which room would be the nursery and that was probably the hardest thing about moving into our new home earlier this month – that the room is just a room now and the current plan for it to be our baby’s nursery (who would’ve been with us early June) isn’t happening anymore. 

The baby that we have lost was planned and that hurts. Do I blame myself for miscarrying? Honestly. No.

How can I blame myself when I didn’t do anything differently than when I was pregnant with Millie and Leo? I’m a big believer in science, not God and I genuinely believe something was wrong for me to lose the baby. 

Am I scared of it happening again? Yes, of course who wouldn’t be? 

I’ve said to Dan recently, what got me the most is that I was so anxious when I was pregnant with Leo that I never enjoyed being pregnant with him and couldn’t relax right up until he minute he was in my arms. With this pregnancy, from the minute I found out I wanted to enjoy it, I was so relaxed and didn’t think that anything would go wrong. I mean, come on, we’d already lost Millie, were we really going to lose another one? Turns out we were.

I’ve been most surprised at how many friends of mine have come out in support and told me that they have also suffered a miscarriage, in some cases more than one. How could I not know this about them? TABOO. That’s why. Because people don’t like to talk about it – that’s why I have written this diary, if it helps just one person, it is completely worth wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Did we give the baby we lost a name? 

Yes, we did. Something special to us, something that we haven’t told anyone and probably never will. Many people who miscarry don’t give names and that’s ok – you need to do whatever helps you in these situations and giving the baby a name helped me.

My heart goes out to anyone who has previously been  through something similar, going through this right now as you are reading this or that may go through this in the future. 

Every pregnancy counts x 

Miscarriage Sadness – click the link to read my previous blog on this. 

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For your reference and because I wasn’t given any, here are 4 symptoms of infection after miscarriage;



1) prolonged bleeding and cramping (longer than about 2 weeks)


2) fever over 100.4 degrees

3) chills

4) foul-smelling  discharge

(Source:Verywell.com) 

53 thoughts on “Diary of a missed miscarriage 

  1. Caroline

    Reading this has brought a tear to my eye. I went through the exact same thing about 6 years ago. Being told to wait 10 days for a confirmation scan was torture but the day before I was due to go for the scan I woke up in agony and misscarried at home in the bathroom. Ive never seen so much blood, it was terrifying. I ended up in hospital and had to have an op as not everything had passed. It’s something that I’ll never forget, even though I’ve gone on to have 2 beautiful and healthy babies, the memory is still as fresh as if it was yesterday. Thank you for sharing your story. I never really talk about it but the fear and anxiety I felt throughout both more pregnancies because of what happened massively contribute to me having quite severe post natal depression. Although I’ve had help now, more needs to be done after people after miscarriage x

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  2. being webbed

    I didn’t want to comment on Facebook. Have suffered 4 miscarriages myself. One before my eldest at 12 weeks. Two before the loss of our neonatal baby at 5 weeks. The 3 broke us. My husband and I didn’t think we’d have our own children together. (I’ve two with a previous marriage). Then I had one after our “rainbow”. I felt nothing towards it, nothing whatsoever. I just cried for the daughter I had lost and not the miscarriage. I kept it relatively quiet. I mentioned it in brief in my blog. But with previous miscarriages I had more support losing something I’d never met, than I did the loss of the girl we had hope for. I was lucky this one was all at home, no visiting that place. I’ve never been able to enjoy pregnancy, anxiety is a hateful thing to have on such a wonderful occasion. We’ve since had our final baby. Nothing is ever the same. I wish you well in your recovery. I’m sorry for your loss.

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  3. Carol-Ann

    Hi Joanne it breaks my heart reading this. I went through a missed miscarriage 7 years ago. I didn’t find out till my 12 week scan that our baby stopped growing at around 7 weeks. Like you I had the same procedures to follow incase dates where wrong but they weren’t. I eventually opted for surgery as I couldn’t bare losing my baby at home. As a result I found out I had had a partial molar pregnancy. Which meant I wasn’t allowed to try and conceive again for 6 mths due to the possible risks associated with a molar pregnancy I was devastated and felt so empty. I now have a beautiful daughter who is my absolute world. But I’ll never forget my angel baby. Love to you Dan and Leo and of course your angel babies xx

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  4. Tanya

    Reading this brought a tear to my eye because how you described your miscarriage and your feelings was exactly how I felt. I too had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks and 5 days and I had a tiny bleed. Not even worth worrying about although I did because I’d never had it with my first pregnancy. My dr and midwife brushed it off but my husband begged my dr to get me a scan because I knew something was wrong.
    I had a horrendous nosebleed straight after my scan confirming my loss and I knew I was going to lose the baby soon (I had awful nosebleeds during my labour with my first).
    Two day school later the bleeding started and it was horrendous. No one prepares you for it. Like you described. It literally pours out. I passed the baby the next morning whilst at work. That feeling I had when I was with a client trying to carry on as normal but desperate to go to the toilet to see what had happened was heartbreaking.
    This may seem strange but it seemed wrong to flush it away so I bought a white rose and buried the baby with that. I feels a bit odd telling anyone that but at the time it felt the right thing to do.
    All I can say is I did go on to have my little boy who is now 16 months and I fell with him 5 mo the after my loss.
    I hope you are blessed again very soon and get to enjoy another baby. You’ve been through enough heartache! Sending lots of love x

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    1. JMT Post author

      I’m sorry to hear about your loss and it is not strange at all x I know exactly what you mean x I’ve just announced I’m pregnant again too, so fingers crossed x

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  5. Stephanie

    I am so sorry. you do not deserve this with what you have been through when you lost Millie. I have a little boy who is only 2 weeks older than Millie and I remember your post on BC. Since having my little boy, I had 3 miscarriages. 1 natural one just like you described it and 2 “surgical managements”. I try not to let it define me, but it is so hard. I cry a little bit every day. I just hope one day this pain will ease and hopefully have another baby in my arms and so do you.

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  6. Diane

    My heart goes out to you and Dan. 5yrs ago a day before our 12wk scan I started to bleed. I’ve never bled with my previous sons so it came as a shock. My husband and I were working this day as it was two days before we flew away on holiday I said to my husband I’ll goto the hospital and get it checked. I’ll be fine going on my own. So I went. Same as you sat in the waiting room with other ladies. In my mind thinking there in same predicament as me. Feeling for them. I went into the scan and they had a look and then said sorry but there no heart beats. Would you like to see. At first I was thinking no but then I thought I need to see. As she turned the screen. She meant her words. Beats. I was carrying twins. As I was 12wks she said she dosnt think they had formed past 8weeks. It was then discussed with me what to do next. I could take a tablet or let it happen naturally. I had discussed with the nurse that I was going away and she said it will be doubtful I would go. I went home to an extremely upset husband and older son who understood. We just hugged. I then got a call from the hospital to say I can come in the morning for a dnc. Then I could fly the following. I arrived at the hospital next morning after no sleep at all. And they said my husband couldn’t come into the next room and to go home and when I’m out of theatre they would call. I ended up in a room sat up all day in a chair and was told we would get taken down in procedure priority order. After sitting there for hours I heard several conversations about wisdom teeth procedures ect. So surely miscarrying is a priority. NO. Not in this case. I then like you felt and urge to goto the toilet. Clots of blood gushing out of me. Yet still not a priority. To my disgust I’m the last one left to goto theatre when a nurse calls my name. By this time I’m in agony in the toilet. She then had to come and help me. I got took to theatre and came round. All went ok. As it could be. The next day I was allowed to fly. We were going to Egypt. On the flight I was going through my bag and came across the leaflets the hospital gave me. On them was a date out babies were getting cremated. To my horror it was whilst we was in Egypt also on our wedding anniversary. As I couldn’t sleep I’d walk the beach and watch the sun rise. So on the day of the cremation we went down to the beech and watched the sunrise and placed two flowers into the sea. As we go on holiday same time every year. We remember our twin babies and take candles and light them on the anniversary. It helps us. for upto a year after we lost our twins I went into depression to which I was in denial. I never even thought how it effected my husband but looking back it did more than I could see. We have since had a little boy who has just turned three. It will never ease the pain of what happened and we talk all the time about the twins. To everyone else it’s just oh well these things happen for a reason. No it’s not for a reason. Sadly it just happens to so many. Like you no I don’t blame my self as I didn’t do anything different and I then went on to be super vigilant with my pregnancy of my last son. Thankfully all ended well after lots of complications. Not enough thought is put into the care of someone misscarrying or misscarried a child as the statistics are so high of it happening. More needs to be done. X

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  7. Pippa

    Having suffered a missed miscarriage it was horrible I had to wait 2 weeks to go back to confirm the missed miss carriage and then a further 10 days to and a d and c down as my body couldn’t or I don’t know maybe wouldn’t do what it needed to do but your very right there is no information given with a missed miscarriage and you are left with your brain rotting for long periods of time days and weeks just to see what happens which is even worse for the grieving mother xx but I can happily say that after the missed miscarriage I fell pregnant again just 8 months later and then gave birth to a mischievous little girl who we named Hope so please please do not give up xxx

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  8. Nicola

    So sorry for your loss. I can relate to the miscarriage dragging out and still feeling pregnant and having to go back and fourth for scans. It’s awful and so many different emotions. I hemerriged after my miscarriage whiched I ended up in hospital. I felt by the time it had happened I had been through all the emotions of why my baby? What could have been up? 5years me and my partner had been trying and I finally fell pregnant and I miscarriage then took another 2years before I finally had my miracle baby. I feel for you both. My partner felt helpless and didn’t know what to do for the best.

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  9. Clare

    Omg I am so sorry for your loss, reading this has brought back the memories of losing my first baby, I also had a missed misscarge, I should of been 10 weeks, me and my other half was seeing the consultation, they were all saying I was different dates so he sent me for a scan as said he can’t work with me if not knowing who far I am, I went for the scan to be told my baby had passed at 7 weeks 5days, they took me to a side room and gave me two options, one was to wait and see what happens or have a DC I chose to have the DC the thought of carrying my baby around and not growing was killing me, 2 months after I fell pregnant with my rainbow 🌈 baby he’s now 6 years old and I love him more than words can say, but then 4 years ago I had another misscarge but it was at 6 weeks, sending you all the love xxx

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  10. emmacharliie91

    Im soo sorry to hear of your loss! I’ve personally never been pregnant so can only imagine everything you have ever been through! It certainly sounds like you have some amazingly supportive friends and family, especially your husband! Massive hugs to you both for your loss 😦
    I wish you and your family all the best for 2017 and hope it will be your year! 🙂

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  11. Jo

    Such a horrible thing to have to go through. I had a mmc last year, the two week wait between scans was awful and I still didn’t miscarry naturally so had to have surgery a week later. 3 weeks of knowing by little baby had passed away, 3 weeks of my body still thinking I was pregnant, 3 weeks of feeling like a walking failure. My heart goes out to you all xx

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  12. Hayley

    I had a missed miscarriage at 11 week a few years ago I only had a small bleed went to hospital to be scanned and they said the baby had diet at 9 weeks. I was given a pill to take and that night into a mini labour where I was in agony on all fours then after a bit I passed my baby still it’s little sac and had little fingers and toes. I had to go back to the hospital to have the second tablet but after I took the remains and told them what happened and they confirmed a complete miscarriage. I was heartbroken and the next month I had a period as normal but that was the last one as I got pregnant with my beautiful 7 year old boy Evan. I had a terrible pregnancy and ended up with strep B. But we got through it and He is my miracle. Although it was sad to loss the other baby god had a plan to bring me this funny, smart and loving boy into my life and I’m so grateful. Don’t lose hope stay strong x

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  13. Joanne holt

    I too have suffered a missed miscarriage. I lost my baby at 16 weeks. It ( we didn’t know the sex) stopped growing at 10 weeks. Once it was confirmed I was taken straight into theatre for a d&c. I was discharged the day after. Nobody around me talked about my baby it was like it never happened. 19 years later I think about it frequently. Due date, xmas etc what they would have been like as a child / teenager and now adult. I will never forget even if everyone else has.
    Study strong xxxx

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  14. Victoria

    Wow. What an amazing woman to be able to find the words to write about this. I too had a miscarriage. It was an early one but I was devestated. You can’t prepare for the loss and I didn’t deal with the grief well. I sit writing this nursing my rainbow baby but everyday I think about the one that I never met. May Leo bring you some comfort. You have dealt with so much. Thank you for talking publically about it. It needs to be less of a taboo. Sending lots of love.

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  15. Rachel

    I’ve only just seen this post, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have been through a similar miscarriage myself. Having been told that we would need miracle to have another child 3 years after my first… another 3 years later and I discover that I am pregnant. Just before the Christmas holidays I start to bleed, and discover, as you did, that the baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. I bled throughout Christmas but still did not miscarry and so had to go to hospital to have a medical miscarriage, this didn’t work do I had to have a d and c, it’s so traumatic, you can’t possibly understand or explain it to others that have not experienced it. 4 months later I was pregnant again, this was an ectopic pregnancy 😢 finally we got pregnant again, I was terrified the whole time but we finally had our miracle baby and little brother to our gorgeous eldest son. Miracles can and do happen, they don’t take away the pain of your loss of Millie or your baby that you didn’t have chance to meet, but I hope that your miracle happens to.
    I don’t often tell people my story, especially those that don’t know me, but when I read this it hit such a chord with me and I wanted to let you know that I know how you feel, I understand that loss and I wanted to wish you and your family love and laughter and the best of wishes for 2017 xx

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    1. JMT Post author

      Thank you for your comments Rachel, I’m so sorry to hear about your losses but lovely to hear you got your miracle. Have a lovely New Year xxx

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  16. Lisa brindle

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost our daughter at 40weeks (on my due date) I like to say she was born sleeping after at 38 hour labour, we named her Milly! We had been trying for 7 years before I got pregnant with her and we were just about to start ivf. I was surprised when we lost her at how many people had been through similar experiences. We had our own rainbow boy in 2012 and he knows all about his sister. One of the things I find the most difficult to explain is when people ask how many children do you have? I answer 2 then they seem embarrassed when you explain. I followed you at first because of the name Millie’s trust but I find your openness and honesty helps me process a little better and for that I can’t thank you enough.
    Much love and thank s again

    Lisa xx

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  17. Kirsty

    My heart goes out to u . U have already suffered such horrible loss and now more . I hope that u heal and u can see beyond this and images that wee baby as a play mate in heaven for wee Millie. I too have suffered 3 miscarriages one resulting in a and c to clear everything out as my body wouldn’t help (18 weeks , 10 weeks and 6 weeks) it’s one of the hardest things I’ve gone through and I have no 4 other children but those threee angels I lost are never far from my mind . Xxxxxxxx

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  18. Ruth

    Ah I’m so sorry to have read this and sorry for you having to go thru more pain. Like you I had a silent miscarriage
    I was told it was my body wanting to be pregnant and holding on to my baby and, I did so much want that wee baby but God had different plans x I have now two beautiful girls but I never forget my first baby I often sit and think my baby would be 6 now my baby would have been a big brother or sister I have a little quiet time and cry on my baby’s due date x a parent will never forget x I really hope you find the strength to get thru this ❤️Leo will help you thru it x Millie has got to meet her little brother or sister and she is looking out for them I always loved the little saying “an angel from the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth and whispered as she closed the book too beautiful for this earth” ❤️ To you and Dan xx

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  19. hanbah morris

    So sorry guys, I had a missed miscarrage with my first pregnancy, very similar, I had a tiny bleed at 10 weeks, in week 11 I had a scan, baby was not showing through normal ultrasound so they got the wand, its a very vulnerable position to be in, just lay there while you watch the nurses face drop and they start telling you how sorry they are, my baby too had past away in week 7, but my body chose to play a nasty trick on me, letting me believe all was fine for a further 4 weeks. I so desperately wanted to be a mum and I was heart broken and worried what the future held. I chose to have the tablets as I didn’t feel emotionally Strong enough to wait. Luckily that part for me was with little discomfort and took a few weeks to go completely but there was no other issues. My desire to be a mum made it more emotionally painful, i didn’t know at the time but i was about to become very lucky, 3 months later i was pregnant again, i was a mess up until the 12 week scan and continued after to be consumed by the what ifs but i had a healthy baby girl, reading this today is very close to me as i an 19 weeks with pregnancy number 3 (due 30th may) and i haven’t stopped reliving the first pregnancy just because the 2nd was ok. I am constantly convincing myself its gone wrong, everyone says you feel things sooner with second but I feel nothing, I have 20 week scan in 4 days and as much as I am desperate to know what’s what, I dread it, as after a missed miscarrage scans just bring back that feeling when you were told ‘im sorry’
    Thank you for sharing your story, missed miscarriage’s are not well heard of, alot of people assume a miscarrage is an instant loss and are not aware they can also be an evil trick played on you by your own body, I always thought myself if something. Was wrong my body would tell me right away, but now I know different I can’t help but doubt it when I am pregnant . X ❤ x

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  20. Charlotte vaughan

    Heartbroken for you 😢 I miscarried at 11 weeks I. August 2014, was the most upsetting time of my life but I would just like to share with you that I now have a beautiful little boy Kobi who is now 17 months old, along with his 3 older sisters, no pregnancy is ever the same and please don’t let this effect your decision should you make one to get pregnant again

    Sending lots of love xxx

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  21. Sarah spencer

    Hi hunni
    First off all my heart goes out to you
    I know what your going through and your heart must be broken I had 3 miscarriges before having out rainbow baby Amelia. I know the last thing on your mind now is another baby but it will happen and your beautiful and amazing little girl will be looking down on you all and will be so proud to be a big sister again if ever you take the route off having more children. When u had my misscariages I was told by my local hospital that these things happen for a reason and that somethink was obviously wrong with the baby. (NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR AFTER JUST HAVING A MISCARRIAGE)
    Well anyway after our daughter Amelia we want on to have another little girl who at our 20 week scan out world changed we were told out unborn daughter has spina bifida and he prognosis was very poor and I was to terminate which out local hospitals push parents to do when pregnant with a baby with a disability. I never I continue a with the pregnancy and my God she’s the most beautiful and clever girl I’ve ever met. We have recently just completed out with out 3rd girl so we now have 1 boy and 3 girls. But a day never goes by where I dnt think how the 3 children I lost would look is dbt think who would they have looked like what there personality would be weather thye were a little boy or little girl.
    But also I often think that if the miscarriagea never happened then my 3 amazing girls wouldn’t be here today x

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  22. Naomi

    So sorry for ureplying loss. Thanks for ureminding inside I miscarried in between my two children it was horrible. And we wereally away at the time. My thoughts and prayers are with u and ur family bless

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  23. mavis brammer

    I have just read this, and send my deepest sympathy to you…I lost my baby 3 years ago october 13th…
    he was the youngest of my four children…died of brain cancer when he was 48 after 4 years of fighting
    the disease. Even though older than your little girl, he was still my baby, and I will miss him forever….like
    you, when I am asked how many children I have, I say four, because he is still my lovely loving Son…and
    one of my children…
    I do hope that you will once again have a baby brother or sister for your little one….my heart is broken
    as I, m sure yours is…mavisx

    ..

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  24. Natasha

    My heart goes out to you. I went through very similar b4 falling pregnant with my now 4 yr old little boy.
    Because miscarriage is so taboo I felt like I wasn’t allowed to grieve. Like I didn’t have right because I never saw or held my baby. Never heard it’s heart beat or felt it’s little kicks.
    I was scared all the way through the following pregnancy. I had a bleed at 25 weeks and was scared beyond believe.. thankfully everything was OK.

    What I found hardest like you say is the waiting. You still feel pregnant. You don’t know how to act or feel. And to the hospital it’s not normal. But to the woman going through its it’s not. That waiting to find out is hell.

    I applaud you for once again finding the strength through your own pain to support others and help them through thier own fears and grief .

    I wish you all the best and hope that 2017 brings some joy for you and ur husband. And a little healthy brother or sister for Leo if that’s what you are planning. Keep strong and I’m sure your mollie will be looking after ur angel baby as a big sister would xxxxxx

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  25. Lauren

    Reading this it’s like I’ve wrote it myself.
    My 1st pregnancy was a silent/missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and took around 2 weeks for anything to happen like you say just being told to go home and wait for a scan it’s mentally and physically exhausting.
    My 2nd pregnancy 6 months later was a partial molar pregnancy and again I miscarriaged at 12 weeks.
    I can’t describe the pain and the emptiness I felt and still feel, if everything had gone to plan 2nd time round I’d have a 2 week old in my arms right now.
    I’ve found support groups online that have been a god send and I’ve since found out a few of my friends have been through it and I had no idea.
    Thank you for sharing x

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  26. Emma Verity

    My heart sinks for your sad loss. The words of your emotions…feelings and how your husband feels so helpless and sad at seeing you physically going through what you have.
    Your moving, sad story brings back memories of our 3 missed misscarriages plus 1 misscarriages. I would never believe that we would have our 2 beautiful girls here today.
    I became well-known at Early pregnancy ward and had to wait in between for Scans. 3 dnc to remove the babies.
    I remember my husband saying to the nurse who did our last scan of the 4th baby at 11 wks to confirm again….is somebody playing a joke on us.
    My husband couldn’t go on anymore and wanted to give up….we went on to see a top doctor at Seacroft hospital in Leeds who gave us all our answers to the underlying problems. She instructioned the Nhs doctors what operation to do.
    I was put on many drugs to hold our first baby girl grow and it all worked out ….giving birth to a healthy baby. Shes just completely special in everyway. I did wrap her up with cotton wool n keeped her so close to my heart….she was all mine.
    3 years later I gave birth to another baby girl who came 5wks early n lost alot of weight. She to was monitored n I was on tablet n injections…..but we did it.
    The feelings of loosing all our babies was a bag of mixed ones…..ups and downs….why us.
    Tears are in my eyes for what you have just gine through….Im there with your feelings.
    Stay strong for each other…xxx

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  27. Lara

    I cannot believe that you and Dan have been through heartache after the trauma and heartache you have already suffered. My sister list a baby at about 13 weeks and they named the baby a nickname at the start which we still all refer to. She still talks about the baby but 8.5 years on she has a gorgeous 7 nearly 8 year old son who is the apple of her and her husbands eyes. Keep strong, keep talking to each other and look forwards and try again- you will get a happy ending and you so deserve it. Lara

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  28. H

    I couldn’t bring myself to read all of this until now.
    I suffered a missed miscarriage. I went for my 12 week scan and was told there was no heart beat and had passed at 5 weeks. I had no bleed. Nothing to suggest anything was wrong. Unfortunately because of the size, I too was told to come back in a week to recheck as the that was the protocol. It was horrible to wait for something I didn’t or know what to expect. 4 days later it started. I ended up in A&E on morphine and antibiotic drips because of an infection. 3 days in hospital and close to a blood transfusion. After another scan during my stay. The miscarriage was incomplete. 2 weeks later I had to come back to check. It was still incomplete. Another 2 weeks it was still incomplete. Finally I was referred for surgery. A whole month after being admitted it was over for my body. But not my mind. It took a long time to try again but I went on to have a healthy pregnancy.
    You are such a brave lady and so inspirational. Much love to you and your family xx

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    1. JMT Post author

      Hi, I’m so sorry to hear about your sad experience. It’s lovely to hear that you have gone on to have a healthy pregnancy. I’ve just announced I’m pregnant again too following my miscarriage, I’m hoping everything will be ok x

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      1. H

        Aww I’m really pleased to hear your happy news. Congratulations to you and Dan x I did have a healthy pregnancy although I felt anxious through out it. I had good support from my husband thankfully. I really enjoyed aquanatel classes really helped me relax and made some new firm friends too. X

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  29. Pingback: Without a Child – Mother’s Day  | Same Person, Different Me…

  30. Denise chapman

    Omg I’m going through this right now! Fell pregnant with our first baby in February 2017 and went for 12 week scan on 21st April and was told it stopped growing and no heartbeat! I don’t believe the scan was done properly as the woman didn’t want to touch me and asked me to help her do an internal scan! I was so shocked hearing the baby had stopped growing and no heartbeat! Mine and my husbands world has been shattered right now! I’ve been told to wait and let it go naturally too! I’m scared so much of the pain and blood that will come! So scared!! Your blog made me feel less alone with This type of miscarriage! I’m so heart broken!

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    1. JMT Post author

      I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. It is an awful experience, the hardest part for me was the plans in my head I already had for baby disappearing in front of me. I was so scared about was going to happen and I hadn’t been given any info from the hospital about what was going to happen. Luckily I was at home when it started and it took 2 days on and off to complete. I can’t tell you that it’ll all be fine because it’s not a good experience. Don’t worry about the pain, you will be able to deal with that. Be kind to yourself, hold your husband tight and talk to one another. Sending you huge hugs and lots of love xxx

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    2. Anonymous

      This happened too me in December 2016 with our first baby, its absolutely heart breaking and at the time I felt so alone. You are going through a grieving process, and it will take time believe me. It was like mental cruelty, my life stood still at the time and I thought I would never be able to move on again, but believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. Of course it still hurts and I have my moments, but now I am looking to the future and I hope that one day soon I will become pregnant again. Handle your grieve how you want to and not because of how people expect you should, it was your baby. I wish you all the best and truly feel for u and your loss. x

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  31. Jill mackintosh

    Hi
    I’ve followed you for quite some time.
    We had 2 daughters at a young age.
    Big break then decided near nearly 30try again for 1more.
    I finally became pregnant. Was overjoyed.
    But at 12weeks I began to bleed. The full NHS treatment was horrendous and heartless. I sat in a waiting room with a peace of paper whilst others sat with a scan picture.
    I haemorrhaged and ended up in resuscitation. Was horrendous.
    After words nobody spoke of it as if it never happened. That was Oct 2011,January 2012 I realised I was pregnant. I was petrified the whole pregnancy.
    Our special princess arrived in September 2012.
    It suddenly hit me 4years on that I’ve been pining for my lost baby. But if I had had that precious baby I would not have Charlotte. 4years it’s taken me to get to this point. To stop pining what ifs.
    I am now currently 23 weeks pregnant pregnancy 6shockat first. I have bled 2times and basically left. It’s the worst feeling praying to get to 24 weeks as they won’t intervene before hand.
    So happy to hear that you both are expecting again.

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  32. Liz

    Hi. I have had a missed miscarriage (found out at the dating scan) and am currently waiting to miscarry (been waiting almost 2 weeks). This blog has really helped me, ive been finding it really hard to decide to wait or have surgical or medical intervention, but id rather wait. Was a bridesmaid for my best friend yesterday and have my birthday and a holiday (with a couple who are expecting) next week, so its really hard. Im so sorry for everything you have been through, thank you for helping so many people with your blog and charity. Congrats on your recent, happy news and hope you are well. Hopefully we will be expecting again soon, but not looking too far ahead. Love Liz (fellow ex ECH employee!) Xx

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  33. Abbie

    I know this was posted a while ago but I wanted to comment. Last year I had 2 miscarriages one after the other. 1st at six and a half weeks and the second one was further along. After my 1st mc I got pregnant again pretty much straight away. We had a seven week reassurance scan and all was fine as it could be and I had sickness really bad so not once did I think this would end in tears as welll. We went for our 12 week scan and the sonographer couldn’t find anything so she did an internal (I instantly knew something was wrong at this point) and that was when she said my baby had no heartbeat and had died at 9.5 weeks. Heartbroken. When I was reading your blog I couldn’t believe how similar our experience was. I waited 3 weeks before my body finally decided to miscarry (6 weeks in total since baby had died) and waiting was the worst part as you know. It was a Friday night and I woke up around 3am after I felt a massive gush. I panicked and turned the light on expecting there to be blood everywhere but it wasn’t blood it was my waters. I cried and ran to the bathroom to experience labour pains ( the drs never told me about this and it took me by complete surprise. It’s bad enough you loose your baby but the physical pain is so bad ) and blood just started to pour out of me where I felt as though I was going to pass out. The bleeding lasted about 2 weeks and I to thought I had an infection cos I’d been bleeding that long. After going through 2 miscarriages in a row I started thinking something was wrong with me. But then 8 months later I found out I was pregnant again. I didn’t bother with an early scan, dismissed the fact I had the sickness really bad again ( as people kept telling me last time sickness means healthy baby … not in my case !) and I just relaxed. Got to the 12 week scan absolutely terrified there would be no heartbeat again but truly shocked to see our baby’s heart beating away and dancing around! I couldn’t believe it, it had finally happened! Last week we found out we have a little princess on the way. I honestly never thought I would get to where I am now. Taking to other women who had been through the same really helped me as none of my family and friends had had it happen to them so they just didn’t understand what I went through. Just read your other blog about the sickness and I know how you feel ! It’s horrendous to say the least there’s morning worse than feeling and being sick each day but we both know it’s so worth it in the end. I truly respect you In so many ways. You are so brave and I admire you. I wish you all the luck in the world and send you and your lovely family all my love. ❤️❤️

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    1. JMT Post author

      Hi! I’m so sorry for not replying sooner, I’ve only just seen this comment. I am so sorry for all your losses and that you’ve had to go through all these sad experiences. I’m so happy to hear that you’re now pregnant with a little girl and I hope that everything is going ok xxx Good Luck with the rest of your pregnancy xxx (and I hope the sickness has subsided) x

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  34. Amy

    Hi I have followed you for sometime but I have only just read through this blog. My heart really goes out to both of you, myself and my husband are currently going through an awful miscarriage at the moment and it still amazes me how many people have been through similar experiences.

    We already have a 4 year old daughter and were delighted when we found out we were pregnant again after trying for a sibling for nearly 16months. Unfortunately whilst we were out for a meal during our 10 year anniversary I started to bleed, the hospital would not give me a scan for 2 days (when I was due to have my 12 week scan) so like yourself I had to wait, wondering if I had lost my baby or not.

    When the day came we received the news we had been expecting, the baby had stopped growing at around six weeks and there was no heartbeat. Like yourself we had to wait for two weeks to see if the dates were wrong. This was such a painful time for us both. After the two weeks we had to endure another scan which again confirmed we had lost the baby.

    We were then given our options and chose to go down the route of medical management as unfortunately I had not passed the baby naturally. We went into hospital the following week for the procedure and waited for the inevitable to happen but after weeks of bleeding and upset we were shocked to find out that I still had not passed the baby.

    I had to make the agonising phone call to the hospital to say the procedure hadn’t worked and was made to endure another heartbreaking scan to confirm this. Now I am having to go in for surgery and I hope this 7 week ordeal will finally be over!!
    I never thought I would wish for a miscarriage to happen but I can honestly say this is how I feel right now, I’m worried about the emotional effect all the waiting has on women as well as the physical effects!!

    Sorry for clogging up your blog but I think it helps people to talk openly about these things and if it gives one person comfort to know their not alone, it’s worth it. Thank you for sharing your story xxxx

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  35. Vanessa

    Miscarriage is so difficult. I really feel for you especially with your past trauma. I have had 3 miscarriages and had to have a hysterectomy so now I can’t have children. It is difficult especially since I have been looking forward to having children since I was a cold and started babysitting. The pain in the heart is so intense when you miscarry that it feels like all purpose is gone at times. I really am so sorry for your losses.

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  36. Pingback: Remembering | Same Person, Different Me…

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