14th November 2016
No one wants to think that something is going to go wrong during your pregnancy.
No one wants to be a statistic but sadly according to those statistics 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage (loss of pregnancy during the first 23 weeks).
When you have already lost a child, no matter how this happened, any subsequent pregnancies are tainted with this normal parent-to-be worry but this worry is automatically magnified a thousand times or even more.
I am writing this at 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my third child after losing my precious daughter at just 9 months old in October 2012 and subsequently going on to have our rainbow baby Leo in February 2015.
Yesterday, I had to go to hospital. I had a small bleed whilst on a family day out. It frightened the life out of me. The fact I was also in a hospital 2 hours away from home, made everything that little bit worse. For many of you who have followed our story, you’ll know that I suffer with anxiety in hospitals after losing Millie. Luckily at the time it happened, we had some of our best friends with us and Leo could be looked after in the hospital playroom by someone that we completely trust.
I didn’t suffer with any bleeds at all whilst pregnant with Millie or Leo, even when I was in a car accident at nearly 8 months pregnant with Leo; this is why I am so worried.
The hospital must see things like this all the time. After waiting a few hours and finally having an internal examination (similar to a smear test) done, I was told that my pregnancy levels were as to be expected at this stage (which is a good sign) but that I needed a scan to confirm whether or not this is an ectopic pregnancy. I was booked in for a scan in a week’s time at my chosen hospital.
I thought I might be able to wait this long
I’m on bed rest at home until we find out for definite.
I can’t wait a week.
So we’ve chosen to book a private scan, one that we can go to tomorrow afternoon. We’ll know either way then.
I’m not hopeful. How can I be when our daughter was so cruelly taken? I know we have been very lucky to have had Leo since losing Millie and he is our blessing but I unfortunately still see the worst in a lot of things and it is so hard and tiring living my life like this- I hope one day I won’t feel like this all the time.
So, I’m sat here crying now, I’ve just broken down walking up the stairs at home and the tears won’t stop coming.
I won’t be posting this blog right now.
We need to find out what’s happening next and when we do, maybe then I’ll post. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll wait.
For now, I just needed to write it down … and cry a little more. x
15th November 2016
We’ve lost the baby.
During our private scan it became apparent that baby had stopped growing at about 7 and a half weeks.
Apart from the small bleed a couple of days ago, I currently haven’t naturally miscarried.
This means tomorrow we have to visit the hospital to find out what happens next.
I am devastated.
We are heartbroken.
Life is so, so cruel.
16th November 2016
As you can imagine, I didn’t get much sleep last night, I spent a lot of the night crying or just staring at the ceiling. I feel like a zombie. I’ve finally gotten up at some silly hour and come downstairs; Dan and Leo are fast asleep – so it’s just Rolo (our dog) and me snuggled up on the sofa. I wear Rolo knows when I am sad.
I’m waiting to call the Early Pregnancy Unit. By the time we’d come out of the private scan last night – it wasn’t open and it’s now 6am and still not open and I’m not even sure what I should be doing or if I even need to be doing anything.
I think the fact I haven’t miscarried naturally is worsening the situation for me because I’m waiting for something to happen and I can’t get in touch with anyone at the hospital to find out what is going to happen…
Later Today …
So I managed to speak to a lovely mental health nurse at the hospital that was there if I needed her when pregnant with Leo after what we had been through with Millie and she managed to get me squeezed in for a hospital scan and to see the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU).
I struggled with this because when I originally called the EPU to try and get everything confirmed, I again was told that I just had to wait for a general scan appointment, a week later. I completely understand that the NHS staff on the front line are amazingly busy and completely overworked, but whoever made that decision in higher management to only book suspected baby loss parents in for “the next available scan”, which in my case was over a week after my original hospital visit, needs to have a rethink because believe you me, waiting that long for a scan to confirm whether you have lost a baby or not is not good for anyone’s mental health – which is why I was lucky (lucky, not sure that’s the correct word to use here) to be able to access the pregnancy mental health nurse because of my past.
The sonographer (who was very kind) once again confirmed that baby had stopped growing about 7 and a half weeks and I had had what is known as a “missed miscarriage” I didn’t actually know that you could miscarry this way, I thought it just happened.
… now what came next, I certainly didn’t expect…..
” A missed miscarriage (also called silent or delayed miscarriage) is where the baby has died or failed to develop but your body has not actually miscarried him or her. The scan picture shows a pregnancy sac with a baby (or fetus or embryo) inside, but there is no heartbeat and the pregnancy looks smaller than it should be at this stage.” (Miscarriage Association)
….. They told me that I now had to wait 10-14 days to have another scan, apparently this is a precaution to ensure that the dates aren’t wrong and that I couldn’t be a month less pregnant than I think.
I know I’m not.
I’m certainly not expecting to see any change in two weeks when I got back for the next scan but I completely understand why I have to wait and I’m dreading this next couple of weeks.
Other than this, we weren’t given any other information other than, I may now possibly miscarry at home in the next couple of weeks. If I don’t, I have to make a decision of whether I want medical intervention.
We went to the Chemist on the way home, below is a list of what we bought – to help me if I naturally miscarry at home; not your average shopping bag after a scan or what I expected to be purchasing this week.
1) Two hot water bottles
2) Night time Sanitary Towels
After Millie’s first scan, we went straight out to buy her hospital coming home outfit.
17th November 2016
The waiting for something to happen is horrendous and it’s only been just over 24 hours.
I am petrified every time that I go to the bathroom in case it’s started or is about to start. I honestly do not know what to expect. Of course, I’ve googled it – who wouldn’t? All I can seem to find is a few forums of women having conversations about having miscarriages, I can’t seem to find anything concrete about what is going to happen or what I am going to feel like when it does happen, physically or mentally.
This might sound completely daft but I don’t want to leave the house because I’m scared it’s going to happen whilst I am in the middle of a shop or walking down a street. I don’t know what to expect, whether it will be painful or whether there will suddenly be a gush like when your waters break? What will I do if I am on my own with Leo outside the house and this happens?
I’m worried about Dan.
I know he is hurting too and I also know that he is worried about me and what I am going through. Sometimes Dad’s are forgotten during miscarriage, I don’t want Dan to feel like that at all. He is part of this baby too, this baby is part of him. I know that he is making it all about me and looking after me because I know that I am the one that needs looking after physically. I’m tired. I’ve not slept properly in days.
My body is still acting as though it’s pregnant.
This is really hard, this is my third pregnancy, I started to show earlier with this one than my other two. I took this photo last week … before I knew anything was wrong. I even sent it to a couple of close friends because I was excited, something that I sadly cannot say I felt at this stage whilst pregnant with Leo because I was so worried about something happening to him during pregnancy after losing Millie.
Quite a bump for nearly 10 weeks, I know. I was shocked myself, joking it was twins but the thing is …is now I still have this bump. I still have heartburn, my chest is bigger than usual because technically I am still pregnant … except my baby has stopped growing inside me … nobody has told my body that though, it just keeps plodding along as though baby is still cooking in there.
Seen as I’m not keen on leaving the house, I think I’m going to start to pack. I can’t sit around doing nothing, that will surely drive me crazy.
We’re just waiting for a completion date to move, we are really hoping it is before Christmas but we’ll see. Packing will be a distraction for me I hope.
18th November 2016
I had cabin fever today and needed to get out of the house, so we went to a local new shop that had opened just for a wander and then out for some dinner, just close enough to get home quickly if we needed to.
Whilst we were out for dinner, I had a little bleed again and it upset me a lot. I came home, went straight to bed and slept for 3 hours. I definitely needed this sleep as I’ve struggled all week during the night. If I’m asleep, I don’t have to think about it. I thought this was the start of it. I’m not sure it was now.
20th November 2016
The waiting is slowly driving me insane.
Nothing is really happening yet, a bit more spotting and some pains in my right side tonight but other than that nothing. I told Dan to go back to work a couple of days ago, there’s no point him being here just waiting and seeing me worked up all the time. I’m completely capable of looking after Leo at home and Dan is only a phone call and 10 minutes drive away if I need him to come home.
We’ve had to cancel a trip up to Scotland on 24th November that we’ve had arranged to see our friend because I just don’t want to risk the miscarriage starting on the 8 hour journey and couldn’t bear the thought of this happening in a hotel room somewhere random.
I feel like my life is on hold right now.
Wednesday 23rd November
I’ve been convinced it was going to happen today as it’s the 23rd, a date Dan and I both hate as it’s the number date in October that Millie passed away and today is actually the 4th anniversary of Dan’s dad passing away, a month after Millie did. Going to bed now though and not feeling any different. Still waiting.
Thursday 24th November
We should have been going up to Aberdeen today to visit our friends and their new baby but we couldn’t because of what it happening to me. I’m genuinely gutted as I couldn’t wait to see our friends and their new baby. Feeling extremely down today and needed to get out of the house as I havent been out for nearly a week, so Leo and I took a trip to Wilmslow, a 15 minute drive away. I’d ordered Dan a Christmas present that had arrived so it was an excuse to go out but without going too far.
We didn’t stay out very long, maybe an hour or so as I’ve began to bleed a bit and have been uncomfortable. I’m still not holding out much hope of anything happening before I’m booked back into the Early Pregnancy Unit on Monday for a scan and to make a decision.
I’ve just come to bed though after having some really bad back ache and a wave of sickness coming over me. Felt a bit strange.
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Friday 25th November
I think I’ve miscarried today.
How ridiculous does that sound? I think.
That’s because I didn’t really know what to expect or how it was going to be, I don’t even know how to tell if it’s over or not?
I awoke at 6am suddenly with an urge to run to the toilet. As I stood up and took a step, I felt blood rushing out of me. It was awful, every time I moved more came. I literally just had to stand there whilst Dan got me a bathroom towel to help me as I walked to the bathroom.
I’m not going to go into the rest as I don’t want to right now.
It was horrendous though. Both physically and emotionally and I haven’t cried like I did this morning in a long time.
I was having labour type pains all morning and then a similar thing happened all over again about 11am and then again about 3pm.
I went back to bed, curled up with a hot water bottle and I’ve cried a lot today.
I feel so sorry for Dan having to watch this happen to me and our baby. It’s his baby too and to watch his wife like that must be such a hard thing for him to see.
I know that he feels like he can’t help but he’s helping me so much just by being by my side.
Saturday 26th November
I’ve slept most of the day today, probably because I’ve not had much sleep in the past 11 days. Dan kept bringing little Leo into the bedroom to see me, how can I not smile for him?
I’ve cried a lot today too. A very lot.
I felt a little better and decided to get up for an hour before Leo was to go to bed so I could see him, he really makes me laugh. I just led on the sofa and he kept bringing things to me and talking to me. Just what I needed.
Sunday 27th November
Not feeling as good as yesterday.
I’m in a bit more pain and bleeding heavily again and feeling sick. I’m a little worried about me having an infection because it’s been a while since the baby stopped growing now and it’s taken this long to miscarry. I don’t know what is normal and what isn’t right now.
I wasn’t given any details about what to look out for with regards to symptoms of an infection – which is slightly worrying. Luckily I have a friend who is a midwife and I dropped her a message and she explained what I should be looking out for, this put my mind at ease a little. (You can see symptoms at the end of this blog)
It turns out that the miscarriage hadn’t completed on Friday as I thought. It happened again this evening at 6pm – and I am absolutely certain now that this is it, it was different from Friday but bizarrely no pain this evening.
I’m feeling very sad this evening knowing that it’s the end of my 3rd pregnancy and we’ve lost the baby. I just need to get it confirmed at hospital now.
Monday 28th November
Early appointment at the hospital this morning. The EPU I thought was quite a sad place to be because there must have 5 or 6 women there to start with and probably twice that pass through whilst we were waiting – many, I am guessing, having preganancy problems and the likelihood is that one of these ladies had miscarried too. No one was smiling in this room. Everyone looked worried and pained.
I was taken in to see a nurse and was asked if anything had happened in the past 12 days and I explained what had happened over the weekend and what I’d seen and she told me that it sounded like I had miscarried. Through teary eyes I replied that I understood and she then said I would need to have a further internal scan to ensure everything from the pregnancy had left me. A doctor did the scan and confirmed that everything was as it should be.
We left the hospital with me crying and Dan clearly upset and drove home; the day after should’ve been our 12 week scan.
Saturday 30th December (one month later)
I wanted to leave posting this blog for a month or so after I miscarried so I could write a little about what’s happened since and how I have felt.
Physically: It took about 2 weeks after miscarrying for my body to settle down again. It was hard still having a little bump and the bigger chest, I think I found this the hardest to deal with. I didn’t want to look or feel like I was pregnant knowing that I wasn’t anymore. I started to feel much better when these symptoms settled down.
Mentally: I went back to work more or less straight after it happened as I didn’t feel like being at home would help – I needed a distraction. (Distraction theme keeps coming up doesn’t it – I’m good at distracting myself from issues – although my pyschologist used to roll her eyes at me for using the distraction technique)
I know that I’ve dealt with miscarrying our baby a lot stronger than a lot of women would have – I really do think this is because of the pain and trauma I went through when losing Millie who was 9 months old when we lost her. It might seem a little strange but the grief from losing this baby has been completely different from the grief following Millie – possibly because I’ve had a lot of help with how to deal with grief and possibly because we’ve lost a child before.
Yes I’ve cried. Yes I’ve not slept. Yes, I’ve avoided looking at newborns whilst out shopping. Yes I am hurting.
Losing a baby/child is so hard for anyone. I’m sure that so many of you can relate to this. As soon as you get that positive pregnancy test you start to plan things for the baby, whether it be a name, the colour of their nursey or whether you will breast or bottle feed. When you lose a pregnancy or child, you lose a future and all the plans that you had for him/her.
In our case, we were just going through a house purchase so we had already had discussions about which room would be the nursery and that was probably the hardest thing about moving into our new home earlier this month – that the room is just a room now and the current plan for it to be our baby’s nursery (who would’ve been with us early June) isn’t happening anymore.
The baby that we have lost was planned and that hurts. Do I blame myself for miscarrying? Honestly. No.
How can I blame myself when I didn’t do anything differently than when I was pregnant with Millie and Leo? I’m a big believer in science, not God and I genuinely believe something was wrong for me to lose the baby.
Am I scared of it happening again? Yes, of course who wouldn’t be?
I’ve said to Dan recently, what got me the most is that I was so anxious when I was pregnant with Leo that I never enjoyed being pregnant with him and couldn’t relax right up until he minute he was in my arms. With this pregnancy, from the minute I found out I wanted to enjoy it, I was so relaxed and didn’t think that anything would go wrong. I mean, come on, we’d already lost Millie, were we really going to lose another one? Turns out we were.
I’ve been most surprised at how many friends of mine have come out in support and told me that they have also suffered a miscarriage, in some cases more than one. How could I not know this about them? TABOO. That’s why. Because people don’t like to talk about it – that’s why I have written this diary, if it helps just one person, it is completely worth wearing my heart on my sleeve.
Did we give the baby we lost a name?
Yes, we did. Something special to us, something that we haven’t told anyone and probably never will. Many people who miscarry don’t give names and that’s ok – you need to do whatever helps you in these situations and giving the baby a name helped me.
My heart goes out to anyone who has previously been through something similar, going through this right now as you are reading this or that may go through this in the future.
Every pregnancy counts x
Miscarriage Sadness – click the link to read my previous blog on this.
For your reference and because I wasn’t given any, here are 4 symptoms of infection after miscarriage;
1) prolonged bleeding and cramping (longer than about 2 weeks)
2) fever over 100.4 degrees
4) foul-smelling discharge