You know when something is driving you completely crazy and you just cannot get it out of your mind? I’m feeling a little like that at the moment and the emotions my head are going
You know when something is driving you completely crazy and you just cannot get it out of your mind? I’m feeling a little like that at the moment and the emotions my head are going through are absolutely heartbreaking.
Asher is 8 months old
Millie passed away at 9 months.
This is totally messing with me at the moment. I keep spontaneously bursting into tears at random reminders.
I struggled a lot when Leo was the same age but this time I have realised that I am struggling even more and I think that it might be because Asher looks so much more like Millie than Leo ever did.
Sometimes I look at him and it’s like having Millie sat in front of me, it’s the strangest feeling ever.
Millie was 286 days old when she passed away… we just need to get passed that many days and I know I will start to feel a little better. I know exactly what date Asher’s 287th day will be; I know, I sound like a crazy lady but I worked it out when he was born and then haven’t really thought about it until he turned 8 months old a couple of weeks ago.
I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s like a barrier for me, a wall that I need to break us through.
I think I’m doing okay and then something starts to niggle at me and I can’t work it out. Then bang, there it is – the answer that has taken me a while to figure out and this is what has happened over the last few days, it’s hit me like a brick wall.
I’ve gotten through these feelings and mixed up emotions once before with Leo – this time, I can see that there will be a positive outcome at the end and I’m glad that this time I can see past that date.
I’d love to know your feelings about how you dealt with this with your children, how you got passed that milestone with your younger children when an older child had passed away, maybe I won’t feel as nuts as I do reading about your journeys xxx
Jo hunni you are NOT nuts!! Although I have never lost a child (after birth) I understand totally where you are coming from. I guess it’s the same kind of logic as I went through during my pregnancy with my beautiful rainbow daughter after several miscarriages. The entire pregnancy I was waiting for the day to happen when i lost her and the further in i got the harder it became because in my mind that day was getting closer. I think it’s natural to feel anxiety, dread, worry, etc after a trauma as huge as what you went through losing beautiful Millie. As a mother our primary focus is the wellbeing of our children and after losing her it is absolutely understandable that you will feel terrified about history repearing itself. I suffered abuse as a child and as a result am terrified of the same happening to my kids. I think fear and loss are two of the strongest emotions and mixed together it’s like a mega-hit of anxiety!! Your gorgeous boy will be fine hun, just like his equally gorgeous big brother. Noone should have to process the things you must have had to and you need to know that you are AMAZING!! You are an inspiration to so many, you have saved countless lives in Millie’s memory and you and Dan are still going strong supporting one another. You are allowed to have these periods where a memory is triggered and it all seems too scary and overwhelming. The main thing is that you seek help if you need to and don’t be too hard on yourself, you have been through something horrific and are still going through the aftermath. I know that I’m not the only one who thinks that you are bloody fantastic, hang in there lovely lady and be kind to yourself. Lots of love to you all xxx