There are some things in life that can either completely tear you to pieces or you can come steaming out of the other side of whatever it is tearing you apart and slide head on
There are some things in life that can either completely tear you to pieces or you can come steaming out of the other side of whatever it is tearing you apart and slide head on into learning from what you have been through.
I have OCD, I was diagnosed in early 2018 with it and it absolutely crushed me, I started to think that I was losing the plot and the tight grip that I had on my life that I had been working so hard to keep together since suddenly losing my daughter Millie in 2012.
I’ve always been a person who likes to have things under control, not so much so that my life depended on it but that I met deadlines, I book the holidays, I research everything for our kids, all our insurances are in place and so on. So to suddenly realise that I was losing a grip of everything within my control genuinely knocked me for six.
You’re probably reading this thinking that I like things in straight lines, my house is immaculately tidy, my cupboards are neat … the thing is, is that I am none of that and I never will be. The type of OCD that I have is different and when I was diagnosed with it, I honestly did not even know that this was type of OCD and to top that, it turns out that I actually have two “types” of OCD.
For those of you that don’t know (which is probably most of you, why would you know???) There are generally 5 types of OCD that are referred to, I have highlighted the types that I suffer from below in capitals.
- Contamination / Mental Contamination
- Symmetry and ordering
- Ruminations/INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS
The checking has previously driven me to tears as I’ve been so tired that I’ve just wanted to go to bed but I had to continue checking the doors, tapping them a certain amount of times, leaving the door then walking back to it again; I even filmed myself doing this when I knew that I had built up the courage to go and see a doctor, I pretty much walked in, cried and showed him the video and within seconds, he suggested that I may have OCD and started the process to refer me to a mental health team.
This checking and tapping though, it’s not what you might think. Yes, the obvious is that I am checking that door is locked but it’s so much deeper than that. Here is my thought process;
- Check door is locked so that we are safe
- Tap both handles various times
- Walk away
- Go back
- Repeat a few times
- Talk to myself, “the door is locked, no it’s not” – (I could honestly talk myself out of a locked room at this stage).
- But if you walk away and it’s not locked, someone could get in
- It might not be a person, a fox could get in …(we get foxes around where we live)
- And if person or a fox gets in…A or B could happen and then it would be my fault
- How would I cope with losing another member of my immediate family, I won’t, I’ll end up committing suicide, I won’t be able to cope with the guilt or live my life knowing that it was my fault.
- Get upset, worked up, anxious,
- Check doors again
- Repeat until needed and then eventually head to bed where on the way I will also repeat various other compulsions before I can go to sleep.
It’s exhausting just reading that.
Now just imagine doing that sometimes everyday for a couple of weeks when you are at your worst, it’s draining –physically and emotionally.
Wow, writing it out like that is a shock, when I read it back to myself just now, it upset me.
I’m going to check out now; I’ll be back soon with some other blogs about my OCD and how I’m getting on. For more information on OCD, check out this website
If you want to know more about me, check out this blog