Nine, 9, Nein, Neuf, Nove …. that’s how many Mother’s Days that I’ve had without my daughter; I got 1, just the one. I can empathise with people who have lost mums and for people
Nine, 9, Nein, Neuf, Nove …. that’s how many Mother’s Days that I’ve had without my daughter; I got 1, just the one.
I can empathise with people who have lost mums and for people who have struggled to conceive a child but unfortunately I can tell you exactly what it feels like to wake up on a special day and for it to feel different to millions of other mums on the planet or on the other side of that coin, I can tell what it feels like to be one of the other millions of mums on the planet that sadly have to wake up without your child.
I have struggled for years with Mother’s Day after I lost Millie, I have cried heart wrenching tears and clutched my chest with the pain whilst curled up in bed wanting and needing to hold my baby girl. I have cried myself to sleep the night before and woken up still crying the morning after. I have cried whilst walking down the street watching mums hold their daughter’s hands celebrating together and I have cried my insides out as I lay next to my daughter’s resting place. I have avoided restaurants so I didn’t have to see families together, I have visited my daughter’s resting place and then run home to lock myself indoors for the rest of the day and I have visited the zoo to see the giraffe named after my daughter and literally zoned out to the point that i don’t see or hear anyone around me whilst I do what I need.
Because all the above helped. Every little bit of what I have chosen to do over the years has helped, it’s helped me to heal and to has helped me get through each Mother’s Day year after year.
Having Leo changed things, the first couple of years I was still devastated and felt tremendous guilt about having another baby with me and being torn between wanting to celebrate Mother’s Day with my son and grieving the Mother’s Days that I’ve lost and will never have with my daughter.
And then the universe, for some unknown reason then threw a miscarriage into my life before I had Asher, I mean why? Why was I made to suffer through another sadness , another reason for my heart to break. It’s crazy to think that some women will experience the pain of losing a child more than once and some women will be so lucky and never ever have to feel that pain. It’s extraordinary how the world works.
But I was strong, I didn’t feel it at either of these times of losing children but I look back now and realise that I must have been stronger than I ever thought possible to be able get through this indescribable pain and thought process.
I can give you hope though, in particular to those mums who have lost children and gone on to have children again. It gets easier, it changes.
Last night I didn’t cry myself to sleep, I hopped into bed with my two boys and we sat watching films in bed until they fell asleep and I woke up this morning with Asher jumping on me laughing and Leo shouting for Asher to be quiet because he wanted to sleep. How can I not laugh at this? How can I not smile? Yes, it’s there – the pain in my heart still, the thought that there should be more than 2 children with me today but hearing the boys laugh and argue and seeing them smile takes so much of that pain away, not all of it but so much of it.
I didn’t wake up crying this year, which is a first and it’s taken 9 years for me to get there. I did cry dancing around the kitchen a little later though with Leo though because a little memory crept into my mind of me when I danced with Millie, so I cried and hugged Leo a little tighter.
The boys have been out with their dad this week and chosen me some Mother’s Day presents and I have to say they were very lovely and so are all the cards that I’ve received from all of my children.
The boys and I visit Millie’s resting place a lot anyway but we always ensure we head down there on special days, we’ve already been today – we were there at 7.30am because it gets so busy on Mother’s Day with most people visiting their Mum’s that have passed – the way it should be, not my way.
So for the rest of the day, we’ll be staying at home. Not because I want to this year because I would have loved to have taken my boys out to have some food somewhere but obviously we’re not allowed to eat in restaurants. We did pick up an amazing afternoon tea from Wilmslow Cookery School though.
Asher’s also not been 100% this weekend so I’m keeping him at home and they both seem happy enough sat here whilst I watch them paint. Next year, I hope will be different, I hope to take them to the zoo and have a Mother’s Day Dinner somewhere together with them because this day always needs to be special for them and their mum regardless of what happened in my life before I had my gorgeous two boys.
Happy Mother’s Day to you all, whatever your situation.
Love Joanne (mummy of 4) 😘