Category Archives: Miscarriage

I promised pregnancy updates ….. 

Come on ladies, be honest with me now … are you team “I love being pregnant and could do it every day for the rest of my life” or team “Come on, this has got to be over soon”

I would love to be one of those women who absolutely adore being pregnant, bloom when they should and sail through it all with no problems …. but just to make all the pregnant ladies feel better that don’t feel like that … I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum …. this has pretty much been me for most of this pregnancy so far…

One of the biggest reasons that I wish I felt good when pregnant is that because I’ve lost Millie and had a miscarriage, I carry this awful guilt around with me constantly were I think I should be thankful I can have more children and I should just get on with it and suffer with these awful illnesses as the outcome is worth it all. 

I’ve suffered from Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) for the majority of this pregnancy. I mean, I have been sick very badly with Millie and Leo but this time has been something else, some days it has been non stop pretty much from waking up to going to sleep. The strange thing is though, is this is the exact reason that I knew something was wrong in my third pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage last November – I wasn’t sick, I didn’t even feel sick once. Don’t get me wrong, I know each pregnancy can be different – that you can be really ill one pregnancy and glowing the next, but I knew. 

Even after 2 awful sickness pregnancies with Millie and Leo and then having the miscarriage, I was hoping to get an easy ride with this one, but nooooooooo – it came back with a vengeance. I’ve been gradually coming out of it over the past 2 weeks and touchwood, I’ve just felt sick all day for 2 weeks – no doubt it will start again.

This smile below … this is what I want to look like 😂 I’ve got no chance 😂 For the record, none of my pregnancies have been easy going.


Then, of course there is the tiredness. Now this is never standard tiredness with me! It completely knocks me out- exhaustion doesn’t ever cover it. I can’t function, I can’t eat, I can’t shower, I can hardly talk. I’ve never seen anyone like it or heard anyone talk about being like this and again doubled with the sickness has left me feeling absolutely horrendous. 

Make me feel a little better ladies, tell me your stories… I know I’m not the only one. I can’t be 😕. 

Follow my blog on Facebook – click here

It does turn out though, that some tests came back to show that I have a problem with my iron – so much so, that I’m now on quite a high does of medication that has finally gotten me back on my feet, just!

And then I caught a bloody cold! I was so angry, I’d not been out of the house for nearly four weeks and I came down with the world’s worst cold on top of everything else …. made worse by the fact Dan and Leo were fine which one of them had kindly carried it in for me! 

This time has been different too. 

When I was ill with my pregnancy with Leo, I was struggling, of course I was, I’d lost Millie. I was so scared and frightened but Dan was by my side every step of the way, just like he has been this time. 
Except, now there’s a toddler in the equation in the middle of all this illness. Leo being a toddler is not the problem at all – me feeling like I can’t be a proper mum to him because I’m so ill, that’s the problem. 


(Not a care in the world 😍😍😍)

Not being able to pick him up.

Not being able to bathe him.

Not being able to change his nappy on the changing mat as I couldn’t lift him up.

Not being able cuddle him properly when he’s hurt himself.

Missing out on him playing and laughing because I was so exhausted that I couldn’t  keep my eyes open ….

That hurt. In fact it ripped me apart inside. This big beaming smile coming running into me in the morning and I couldn’t even muster the energy to throw him up into the bed with us; actually – this has led to him mastering leg swinging, I’ll class that as helping his skill building 😉. 

But then my black dog came back to haunt me. The feelings of uselessness about not being able to feel like a proper mum. The wanting to close my eyes and not wake up again. The thoughts that Dan and Leo would be better off without me because I am such a burden when I’m so ill and lacking basic human functionalities to get through a day. 

I knew it was bad and I realised I needed some help. I was so close to asking for  anti-depressants again, I wanted that release of feeling numb and the pain going away. I was so angry with myself wanting these tablets again, especially when I’m pregnant. I’m a complete advocate for if you need anti-depressants then there should be no shame in taking them – but my shame was because I was on them for such a long period of time after we lost Millie and that I worked so hard to get off them with the fantastic mental health support from the NHS; that I was disgusted in myself for wanting to what to me seemed was an easy way out. In my head, when I’m feeling okay, I know it’s not any easy way out taking anti-depressants – because even just admitting that you need help is one of the hardest things to do, it’s an alternative way out, not an easy way out. 

Find me on Instagram and Twitter 

@millieleosmum 

This all gets to me even more so because I never needed anything like this before we lost Millie and now I feel like it’s never going to do away, that at the most difficult times in my life, at any point in the future I could fall again and that’s so scary. It’s really scary and I know that so many of you who suffer from a mental illness feel like this too at the back of your mind. 


As it turns out, my psychologist had left me a voicemail on one of these awful days and when I picked it up, it’s just what I needed to hear. She wanted to know if I was ok with my pregnancy or if I needed any help. I’d never responded to anything as quickly in my life. 

I’d been asked previously at my pregnancy booking appointment if I wanted access to any pregnancy mental health services and I’d said yes because I knew I was going downhill – a combination of mixed emotions about Millie and I was starting to realise that I hadn’t really dealt with my miscarriage well – I’d kept myself busy and distracted after it happened and the effects were now starting to show.

I’ve started to see my psychologist again now. I’m going to be honest. I hate it. Don’t worry, if my psychologist reads this, (I’m not sure if she does read my blog) she already knows this. I hate it because it really hurts, it’s so emotionally painful. We’re doing EMDR again and it knocks me for six and takes me a few days to feel slightly normal again… but …  I know the benefits and I know how it helped me last time.

And just to finish this off on a laughable note for you, I just got my bump stuck in between the side of the bins and our house, go on, have a good laugh.. Dan did 🙈.

I’m not going to ramble anymore, this blog is longer than I intended already …. catch up in a few days xxx

Follow my blog on Facebook – click here

Find me on Instagram and Twitter 

@Millieleosmum

Follow Millie’s Trust on Facebook or sign up to our newsletter at www.milliestrust.com to find out about our new limited edition anniversary Giraffe … coming soon 

We are Seven

If many more people thought like the child in this poem, the world would be just a little lighter for many bereaved parents as the acknowledgment of every child they created and not just the ones that they still have with them everyday is something many of us crave. 
I’ll forever be a mum of every child I’ve held inside me, not just the ones I can hold tight every day. xxx

We are Seven – William Wordsworth 

—A simple child,That lightly draws its breath,

And feels its life in every limb,

What should it know of death?
I met a little cottage girl:

She was eight years old, she said;

Her hair was thick with many a curl

That clustered round her head.
She had a rustic, woodland air,

And she was wildly clad:

Her eyes were fair, and very fair;

—Her beauty made me glad.
“Sisters and brothers, little maid,

How many may you be?”

“How many? Seven in all,” she said,

And wondering looked at me.
“And where are they? I pray you tell.”

She answered, “Seven are we;

And two of us at Conway dwell,

And two are gone to sea.
“Two of us in the churchyard lie,

My sister and my brother;

And, in the churchyard cottage, I

Dwell near them with my mother.”
“You say that two at Conway dwell,

And two are gone to sea,

Yet ye are seven! I pray you tell,

Sweet maid, how this may be.”
Then did the little maid reply,

“Seven boys and girls are we;

Two of us in the churchyard lie,

Beneath the churchyard tree.”
“You run about, my little maid,

Your limbs they are alive;

If two are in the churchyard laid,

Then ye are only five.”
“Their graves are green, they may be seen,”

The little maid replied,

“Twelve steps or more from my mother’s door,

And they are side by side.
“My stockings there I often knit,

My kerchief there I hem;

And there upon the ground I sit,

And sing a song to them.
“And often after sunset, sir,

When it is light and fair,

I take my little porringer,

And eat my supper there.
“The first that died was sister Jane;

In bed she moaning lay,

Till God released her of her pain;

And then she went away.
“So in the churchyard she was laid;

And, when the grass was dry,

Together round her grave we played,

My brother John and I.
“And when the ground was white with snow

And I could run and slide,

My brother John was forced to go,

And he lies by her side.”
“How many are you, then,” said I,

“If they two are in heaven?”

Quick was the little maid’s reply,

“O master! we are seven.”
“But they are dead; those two are dead!

Their spirits are in heaven!”

‘Twas throwing words away; for still

The little maid would have her will,

And said, “Nay, we are seven!”

William Wordsworth 

International Bereaved Mother’s Day Sunday 7th May 2017 – send a thought to those who pop into your mind, they’ll appreciate it xxx
To read my last blog, click here 

Well done Corrie! 

This week I am hearing lots about the storyline involving Steve & Michelle in Coronation Street and their miscarriage. 

Everything I have heard so far has been nothing but praise but due to my own recent miscarriage at the end of November and the fact that it should be my  darling daughter Millie’s 5th birthday tomorrow, I am not in the right frame of mind to watch… but I will. 

I will ensure that I watch the scenes at some point as I do like to see how the media handles and potrays sensitive issues such as these and I think that it is fabulous that they are covering this storyline. Utter respect for Kym Marsh this week as it must have brought some awful memories back for her after her own personal loss many years ago. 

Find me on Instagram & Twitter by searching for @millieleosmum

I really do hope that the media does continue to show these storylines and deal with these taboo issues, because that’s what they are , taboo.

Simon Gregson has already endured the storyline with his depression which he portrayed so well and to tackle another taboo issue so soon after that, well, what a star and he has also spoken out about his own personal pregnancy loss too which I think is amazing for a man to do too. 

Follow my blog on Facebook 

Unfortunately, I know exactly how it feels to have experience of all these issues, child loss, miscarriage and mental health problems and this is why I will carry on talking, carry on making a stand and carry on writing about it. 

Huge hugs to anyone out there who has their own personal experience of baby/child loss.

To read my recent miscarriage diary, click here.

To read one of my mental health blog, click here 



Miscarriage sadness 

Tonight we wanted to share some news with you although in a few weeks time we were hoping that it would be good news that we would be sharing.  

Often when things happen in life you wonder why, often when things happen more than once you start to think when the bad luck is ever going to end – we’re currently on that line of thinking. 

Dan and I have very sadly recently lost another baby. I was due to have my 12 week scan tomorrow and share the wonderful news with our friends and family and of course all you lovely people – especially when we know how pleased so many of you were when we announced we were pregnant with our little man Leo a couple of years ago. 

Sadly, this wasn’t to be and a few days ago I had a miscarriage and sadly lost our little one, our third child. 


Of course, we are extremely upset and emotional and the last few days have been an awful experience for us – but we’re strong and we’ll get through it. 

I’m not in much physical pain anymore but my head is a little bit upside down and confused right now, being cooped up for the past week hasn’t done me any favours but we have managed to get out for a bit today after a hospital check up. 

Follow me on INSTAGRAM and TWITTER, search for MILLIELEOSMUM

I am sharing this is because I have been so shocked as to how many people have told me since we found out our baby had stopped growing they have previously miscarried that I knew nothing about from lovely friends to family members. 

We know this is a very taboo subject, we have learnt that a lot from Millie and this is why I am talking about it again now from a different perspective. I had so many questions and was given very little information as to what was going to happen and I found this really hard.

Now we have two amazing little stars watching over us and a cheeky little man keeping us smiling & laughing at home. 

I will blog properly about our experience with miscarriage when I am ready to as I think if people can talk about it and feel ready to, they should; but for now a massive hug to every single person who has lost a child at any stage. 

xxxxx

Follow my blog on Facebook by clicking here 


To read a previous blog, ANNOYANCE , click here