My Imperfection

“I don’t know what i’d do without her in my life”.

I overheard this today whilst I was out and about.

This was a mum talking about her new baby as I happened to walk by – it absolutely floored me.

What hit me, was that was me, 9 years ago – probably saying the exact same thing and then she was gone.

There’s this thing in my brain, it switches on and off but there’s triggers and every now and again that switch gets flipped and I turn into this emotional wreck. I think the tears streaming down my face officially declare me an emotional wreck tonight.

I thought I would die. I thought i would die of a broken heart when I lost her, when I lost my Millie. I didn’t, I’m still here. I’m still standing.

I haven’t been fixed.

I’ve been repaired.

I’ve been patched up. Take your pick.

I reckon I’ve got this heart, that’s a big stitch over it because it’s never quite going to be perfect again. It’s still there, it still works and it’s still capable of loving but it’s never going to be the same, because that stitch, that scar, that imperfection – whatever you want to call it will always be there, always be in my heart.

I led here with my boys tonight in my bed, they fell asleep in my arms and as they did, I kept thinking about what i’d overheard and I started to cry, no i didn’t;

I started to weep.

This kinda crying hurts, it really hurts your heart.

I don’t even know why i’m writing, i suppose it’s just to get it out. Feeling a little bit overwhelmed. Haven’t felt like this in a while.

Going to bed now, I’ve promised my boys a surprise in the morning. My boys. They keep that stitch stitched, you know – so my heart doesn’t break again.

Night all x

• WordPress