It’s ok, there’s Light at the end of the tunnel.

Someone close to me today made me realise that I haven’t written on here for quite a while and it instigated a lot of thoughts in my my mind and inspired me to sit down and start writing again. 

I’ve had this crazy whirlwind of a life since the end of 2019 when everything changed for me when I became single mum. Don’t feel sorry for me ….. ( I totally know you did right then, if this the first time you are hearing about that, which is quite likely as I rarely talk about it online). It’s all good, it’s been dealt with, we’re divorced, new homes, the boys are settled and my ex and I get on really well and we are great at co-parenting – which is so important to the both of us and extremely beneficial for the boys.

I wanted to come on here and give hope to people who are struggling with their mental health at the moment. I’m teaching so many people that come to me and tell me that they’re struggling, their friends are struggling or their children are struggling. Some of the stories that I hear are heart breaking and many people don’t realise how strong they are for speaking up, for opening up and saying those first few words, “I’m struggling, I need help”. It looks so simple written down, doesn’t it – but it is so, so hard to form those sentences from all the words that are spinning around in your head when you cannot concentrate because you are struggling with basic every day tasks because of your poor mental health. 

We’ve all got mental health but we often don’t realise it until our mental health becomes poor because of a trauma, or our stress levels become too high or we breakdown. This is where it’s all been wrong in the past. We were never taught about it. We didn’t get a lesson in school that taught us how important it is that we should look after our mind as much as our physical health – the world is transitioning now though and our children are growing up being taught how important this is and being taught how to handle life when curve balls are thrown at us. They are being taught about mindfulness, how important exercise is for the mind and how extremely important it is that they talk about they are feeling. Our children are the key to changing how society views mental health in the future – let’s keep them talking. 

Let’s update on me then.

Many of you know my background, I lost my daughter suddenly in an accident when she wasn’t in my care. This led to me being diagnosed with various mental health conditions, some of which I had never even heard of. In 2012, I was diagnosed with severe PTSD, Anxiety (including Panic Attacks) and Depression due to complex Grief and in 2018 I was diagnosed with OCD (Checking & Ruminations & Intrusive thoughts). I have spent what seems like thousands of hours in therapy with Counsellors and Psychologists talking incessantly and having CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) treatments. CBT is quite a common therapy for people to help them with various mental health issues and it often works, I am a huge fan of it – it helps you to manage and deal with your problems by changing the way in which you think. 

“It is not things in themselves which trouble us, but the opinions we hold about these things.” (Epictetus)

EMDR therapy, I found extremely traumatising but hugely effective in helping me deal with the PTSD symptoms that I was displaying following my daughter’s accident and EMDR was used again effectively in 2018 when I was experiencing OCD with intrusive thoughts – the OCD diagnoses absolutely stunned me because I always knew that there was a chance my mental health illnesses could return but I never expected to be diagnosed with a new one 6 years after my daughter passed away.

I received these therapies in conjunction with taking Anti-depressants over many years on the advice of doctors and I am an advocate for taking anti-depressants but I am also a big believer that there are alternatives when you are ready to experience alternatives but your mind has to be in a much better place to explore these. 

So where am I at? 

I’m over 3 years free of any type of therapy/counselling or treatment and over 3 years free of taking any kind of anti-depressant and I honestly don’t remember the last time that I experienced a panic attack. This astounds me because of the trauma I experienced with the loss of my daughter.

But I know something now. I know that I am one the strongest people that you will ever meet. I can hand on heart say that. I used to get embarrassed when people told me that, but I own it now. I now understand what other people saw me get through, I understand how they watched me build myself back up from effectively being destroyed and torn apart by the death of my daughter. I didn’t see this though, I was broken, I felt damaged and I felt like nothing was ever going to be the same again.

It never has been the same again. That’s ok though.

I’m definitely not the same. That’s ok too.

I struggled with the last part, a lot. It distressed me that I felt like I was never going to be me again, that I was never going to be that same person again that I was before I lost my girl. I wanted to be her again, I wanted to be her again so much. I didn’t understand all the changes that were happening to me. I didn’t feel happy, I was lost, I didn’t know who I was anymore and this tortured me for a long time – whilst I was poorly. 

Then I hit the 7th stage of grief (did you know that there 7?) The 7th stage is Acceptance and Hope. I finally began to accept that this new me was ok. I started to understand how strong I had been and how strong I had become. I began to accept this new reality that was me and my new life and I worked with it. I started to smile when I thought about my daughter instead of crying, I began to light up again when I talked about her and I found a way to move forward. Little disclaimer here – this does not happen overnight.

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The pain is still there sometimes, that absolute turmoil of losing my child – in particular around her birthday and her anniversary but it’s more sadness the rest of the time. It’s 9 years since I buried my baby girl and her funeral date has always bothered me and this is the first time in all those years, that I didn’t wake up crying on this specific date. Things have changed, things have become easier and my life has moved on and I’ve had a lot of support, which is vital to a mental health journey being a positive one. 

You build resiliance when you experience a mental health condition. You become harder, stronger, tougher to everything in life. 

When the next curve ball life throws at you hits you, you handle it so much better because you have built your toolkit, you have learnt your triggers, you see your own early warning signs and work on them so much more quickly than the first time and this is how you know that you can live with mental health conditions and not let them beat you. In the three years since being clear of treatments and anti-depressants, I’ve been through a divorce, moved house and started a whole brand new life and never fell back again – because I knew how deal with my stress levels, I saw the signs quickly if I was feeling low and made sure I took time out for myself to build me back up extremely quickly. 

I am the happiest that I have been in a long time. I love the new me. My friendship circle has grown because of my experiences and some of my closest friends are people that never even met my daughter but they get me and they still talk about her and acknowledge her life – which is so important to a parent who has lost a child.

I want you to see me as your hope. I want you to understand that there is light at the end of the tunnel even if there might not seem like there is right now, I promise you – it’s there, just keep going.

Samaritans

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