Finally … I went to Tesco …..

Today I did something that I thought was impossible …
I went to TESCO Handforth Dean … Some of you may not understand why this is a a landmark day for me doing this …many of you will understand … 27 months I have avoided this place and I knew I would get there … Eventually and on the right day for me. Today was that day
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’ll be spending 2 hours doing my weekly shop anytime soon … But I was in there for about 15 minutes and guess what, I didn’t spontaneously combust, grow horns on my head or fall into a heap on the floor… I was jittery, I was sweating, i had to stop myself from crying … I will apologise now to anyone that I may have seen in there that wanted to speak to me as I was in auto mode , wanting to get what I needed and get out of there … Gripping the pram ( yes I took Leo with me ) probably tighter than I should’ve been and picked up what I needed , sun cream and a hat for Leo, a magazine for me and a couple of other bits – I did contemplate rewarding myself with a Krispy Kreme … But in my head it would’ve taken too long to pick one and put it in a packet – so I chickened out of that
So there it is 27 months from one of the biggest panic attacks I had after losing Millie, many many many sessions and amazing help from my Psychologist, lots of mindfulness , thousands of tears, tons of anger at myself for feeling an absolute idiot for not being able to step foot in my local superstore or even drive past at one stage … I did it … One of my biggest fears …

I must admit, I came out and got in my car and absolutely cried my eyes out, a mixture of grief and relief I think and all I wanted to do was come home.

There you have it. Mental health problems don’t have to keep your down or hold your back, work hard , focus on the now and it will get better x

To do what seems the impossible is always possible , at the right time x

Joanne xxx

Same Person, Different me 

Same feet, same eyes, same nails, same skin – same everything but I’m a different me ….

Most people will believe they’re going to be the same person with the same persona, same laugh, same outlook on life… Then something life changing happens to you and you’re not the same you, you’re a different you. That’s not a bad thing, sometimes it may actually be a good thing. 

Getting to this “different you” will have seen you walk along a path that’s unknown to you, you will have discovered things about yourself that you never thought possible, had thoughts  that you never believed you had inside you, said things you never thought you could .. But that’s ok, this is you, the new you. The old you is there, the same person, just a different you.

It could’ve been a divorce, a life changing injury, the loss of a job or the bereavement of a loved one, whatever it is , you will never be the exact same person you were before, but that’s ok, this is you, the new you. Going through a life changing event doesn’t mean it is going to be bad for you, it doesn’t mean that you won’t be a good enough person anymore, events like the ones I am talking about change you as a person through growth, through maturity, through pain.

Experiencing something so painful in your life will ultimately change you, whether that be for better or for worse. I know this, more than most.  So what right have I got to talk about this? My right, the making of my “same person, different you” – I lost my daughter, my precious, gorgeous little darling daughter. 

At 27 years old, I had to deal with tragically losing my daughter in an accident when we sent her to nursery when she was just 9 months old. We got the phonecall that every parent dreads … Your child is with the paramedics… We never saw her alive again.

So that’s me, that’s my right to be a same person, different me and you know what, I’m learning to embrace it, I’m learning to at least like, not love, but like the new me …