The unknown … Doesn’t stay the unknown for long 

Losing a child is THE most horrendous thing that parents could ever have to go through, nothing in this world can trump that – the reason why…Because it’s the wrong way around,  a child should not leave this earth before a parent. Another reason why we know it is the worst thing that anyone can go through – is because there is no name for it, there is no name for us – there’s not a word in the Oxford Dictionary that describes someone who has lost a child. My reasoning behind this … because it is literally indescribable.  I can talk about how the pain makes me feel, how it torments me on a daily basis, I can write down what is in my head but I can’t say ” I am a … ” because unlike a man or woman who loses a partner they have a word, widow or widower … There’s no word for a parent because it should not happen, it should not exist .. End of… we are the “unknown“.

No one one expects this to happen, it shouldn’t even cross people’s minds when they have a child that it could happen – but the fact is, is that it is a cruel cruel world and  it does happen, more than we as humans, as parents would like to admit. 

Before we lost Millie, nor Dan or I had had any experience of being close to anyone that had lost a child, in fact , no one in our close families had ever had to go through anything like this before. Did any of us know how to deal with it? What to expect? How we would behave or act? Nope, not a thing. This “unknown” we were venturing into whether we liked it or not – it was happening, it was suddenly real. Our daughter had passed away and there was not a single thing we could do about it. She was here that morning and by lunchtime, before I could reach her in hospital, our precious little baby girl had been taken from us, even the hospital staff didn’t know what to do with me when I arrived, which to be honest , was truly awful and looking back now, I am angry at that because they should have known how to treat me, what to do …they should have known their own protocols that day ..and I am torturted daily with an image of my daughter that no parent should ever have to see, especially not without  having any prior warning about what I was about to walk in on.

Then there are the future unknowns that we have to deal with … Here are just a few I’ve dealt with this week …..

Walking through NEXT with a friend and seeing a gorgeous little summer Mac … I wonder what Millie would have looked like wearing that …

Watching a TV talent show this weekend and seeing a 12 year girl singing amazingly … I wonder what Millie would have sounded like when she sang ..

Hearing about people’s children being accepted into the primary schools they wanted or didn’t want ( We should have been applying for Millie to start in Sept 16 ) ... I wonder if Millie would have loved school as much as I did or would she have hated it instead? 

Popping along to a friend’s daughter’s birthday and seeing her beaming face when the Frozen Princesses sang “happy birthday” to her and wondering if Millie would even have liked Frozen … With tears in my eyes because I never even got to sing “happy birthday” to my daughter,not even the once.

I know our life is always going to be full of the “unknowns” and every year, month, day or hour even, something will have me wondering … I see a picture of a mum & daughter at the daughter’s wedding “ I wonder what Millie would have chosen for her wedding day”  … I see a little girl in a school uniform and “I wonder how I would have done Millie’s hair for school” … You see, it’s never ending, no matter how much we fill our lives with other children ( we have just recently welcomed Baby Leo, Millie’s brother into our family 🙂 ) , how many adventures we go on, how many new places we see or how many houses we live in, the unknowns , the “I wonders” they are always going to be present, hitting us hard whenever we least expect it. 

It hurts, it really does, that I will never get to see my little girl grow up or even hear her say her first word … But we are learning every day with how to live with it … I’d like to tell you all that it gets easier , but it doesn’t, you just learn to live with it.

Whatever “unknowns” you are currently dealing with or that you may come across in the future, this is part of you life, it becomes part of you and you are the only one that can decide how to let it affect you, you’re the decision maker, just you.
 

7 thoughts on “The unknown … Doesn’t stay the unknown for long 

  1. sue beckett

    I cannot begin to imagine your pain, I hope with time it eases, that was so hard to read but your strengh shines through, I’m sure Millie would be so proud at all you have achieved in her memory, I hope some day you get some peace back in your life, I’m sure Leo brings you a new joy xxxx

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  2. Judith Pooni

    I am sat here in tears for you both. I have sat here in tears many many times for you. I think reality is hard….the reality that parents do lose their children, which should never happen. I get paranoid more and more everyday about my son and what *could* happen….the absolutely all-engulfing and overwhelming constant fear of ‘what if something happens to him. How could I continue?’.

    From the bottom of my heart I am so so sorry that you lost Millie. She would be so incredibly proud of what you have achieved in selflessly dedicating yourselves to helping others. You are both so inspirational.

    XX

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    1. JMT Post author

      Thank you for your lovely comments – it’s hard not to worry and as much as I do about Leo every minute of the day, I also know that I want him to have a life of normality and I know i will have to not worry as much one day … But not yet x

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  3. vicky leese

    sorry to hear your loss with mille i know how u feel and i tollaly understand where ur coming from i lost my son at 6 weeks old due to nautral cause then had my lg who nearly 7 and i take her everywhere i know it may sound over the top but i even take her the bathroom and kitchen in her swing/bouncer/rocker/walker here if u wanna talk

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    1. JMT Post author

      Thank you, I’m so sorry to hear about your son, it doesn’t sound over the top at all – Leo comes everywhere with us and will do for a long while yet x

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  4. no1ladykay

    You write very movingly and articulately about your pain and experiences. I have followed you on FB since not long after you founded Mlilies Trust. You & Dan have done a great thing in the wake of Millies passing highlighting the shocking deficits in Childcare workers training and training people in first aid without doubt saving other lives. Leo is gorgeous and it’s so lovely to see you both smiling with him.

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