A year ago today, I realised that I thought we were losing our baby that I was about 10 weeks pregnant with.

We were having a lovely family day out when I had the tiniest of bleeds and thought I’d better get myself checked as I’d never had this before in pregnancy.

A few days later, I found out that it was definite, that we were losing our baby.

I had had a missed miscarriage which meant I just had to wait to fully miscarry for up to 2 weeks, it fully happened pretty much 2 weeks later.

Today I’m remembering.

Leo is our rainbow baby following our loss of Millie and Asher who is led here in my arms at just 3 weeks old, is a rainbow baby too following the loss of Millie and the baby that I miscarried. I might not of held the baby in my arms that I miscarried, but they’ll always be in my heart. xxx

Read Diary of a missed miscarriage from my blog last year

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What is a Rainbow Baby?

A rainbow baby is a baby born shortly after the loss of child. They are called the because a rainbow typically follows a storm, giving us hope of what’s to come

What’s a missed miscarriage? Why does it happen?

A missed miscarriage (also called silent or delayed miscarriage) is where the baby has died or failed to develop but your body has not actually miscarried him or her. The scan picture shows a pregnancy sac with a baby (or fetus or embryo) inside, but there is no heartbeat and the pregnancy looks smaller than it should be at this stage. Pregnancy hormone levels may still be high, so you may have had no idea that anything was wrong, still feel pregnant and have a positive pregnancy test.

It’s not clear if there is a particular reason for this kind of miscarriage. Some people think it’s just the downside of early pregnancy tests and ultrasound: if the miscarriage wasn’t diagnosed on, say, a booking scan, you would only know you had miscarried when that physical process started.

Source: Miscarriage Association

Times are hard when times are different 

Leo and I had a trip to a lovely lady this morning called Sharon in Bramhall who I had arranged to take a picture of Leo for me for his first passport. 

This is one of the things that we never sorted out for Millie before she passed away, but it’s still hurt me over the past couple of days sorting it all out for Leo because we actually did have a holiday booked abroad with Millie when she passed away. We were due to go away to Rome for her daddy’s 40th the following June; her Trunkie was going to be a gift for Christmas off her grandma ( we have it now ready for when Leo is a little older as we had already sorted it out for Millie’s first Christmas, but she never got to use it.)

Check out Leo’s fab passport photo above 😁

We did go on holiday with Millie, in June to Corwall a few months before she passed away. We know that she loved being there with us, we also know that it doesn’t matter where you are or where you take your children, they will always love you. In the photo below, we are in St.Ives – Dan always said that he wanted to retire there but we won’t now because we will never leave this area because it’s where Millie is resting, I know I could never do that, it would be too hard. 

I still visit Millie a few times a week and I often go more if I’m struggling for some reason that day. Like today, I’ve struggled sorting Leo’s passport out so I knew that a visit to my little Mill’s would help me out, so that’s where Leo and I went. We took ourselves off down there, sat in the sun, had a chat and played her favourite song, ( press this link to see what that is ) all with Leo having a little play on the grass next to his sister’s resting place. I know some people might not agree with that, taking Leo to her resting place but honestly, I really don’t care because it is a completely personal choice. 

The first place we visited after we left the hospital after having Leo was born was down to Millie so he could “meet her” – this will always be the case. Leo will grow up with it being completely normal to go and visit Millie and tell her what he has been doing in his day and hopefully when he is older, it will be a place where he can go to talk out his problems with his big sister. 
Another thing about where Millie rests, it might be unusual for you to read this, but it is such a lovely place and such lovely people visit. Today on our visit, one of the friendly cemetery assistants ( I want to write grave digger but I’m pretty sure that isn’t the politically correct term and someone will tell me off ) came over and had a chat. They are all such lovely workers at the cemetery and we know that they all keep an eye on Millie’s place for us. Then there is a lovely lady who visits her dad close to Millie who came over and chats to us all the time, lights candles if we need her to and generally keeps an eye out too, she came over to say hi and meet Leo 😀. The parents of an older disabled man who  lost their son a couple of years ago who always come and say hello when they see us and then today, there was also the lovely elderley lady who came over and asked me if I was Millie’s Mum and then told me she was in a singing group recently that helped to raise some money at a local event and that she had bought a hoodie from our charity, that made me smile. 

We did go to Rome,that following June, we nearly didn’t. We didn’t know what to do , we didn’t know how we would feel because that holiday was booked to take Millie with us. We did but it was so hard from the moment we stepped out of our front door until the minute we got back and just for the record, I really wouldn’t advise travelling to such a religious place such as Rome after losing a child, it made me very angry. I was really struggling at the time about religion because every time I saw a nun ( as you can imagine, there are a lot in Rome ) I just wanted to scream at them, I wanted to scream, how can there be a god when he took my perfect child away? I obviously didn’t scream at the nuns but I did in my head . But , it is a beautiful city and I would certainly like to go back again one day and take Leo in the future when we save some pennies. I want to take Leo all over the world, just like I wanted to take Millie. The photo below was taken in Rome and you might not be able to see it, but the smiles are forced and have no emotion in them and if you could see our eyes under the sunglasses you would be able to see that they were hollow and black, dead eyes. We were in a really bad place at this point, things weren’t good and we really couldn’t see us ever being happy again in future; to us, getting through the day was just a motion.

We have lots of photos with forced smiles over the past 2 and a half years .. But things are changing, Leo has changed that. Our eyes are no longer hollow and there is now genuine emotion back in our facial features and that’s all down to our little Rainbow. 

When we lost Millie, we actually lost our perfect little family, we no longer felt like a mummy and daddy, we just felt lost, stuck, useless and betrayed. We didn’t have a reason to get up everyday , we didn’t have another child to keep us going – we felt our lives were over.

Then along came Leo. He is our future; he is making our photographs happier, he is making our smiles … Well , he is making us smile …

If you are reading this and you know where Millie’s resting place is , please do not name it on any public forum as we have never publically stated where Millie’s resting place is. Her place is a private place for us to be with her. Please respect our wishes. 

Thank you

Joanne Millie Thompson