Some weeks are so harder than others and this week is proving to be one of them.
Every day this week seems to have gotten that little bit harder. It’s becoming a year on year occurrence now that around this time (a few weeks before Millie’s anniversary) that I start to discover I have less patience, my sleep becomes interrupted, my emotions sky rocket, tears fall a lot easier and in general, I just don’t feel myself. Writing that doesn’t even feel right because “feeling myself”, I haven’t felt like that since losing Millie, as my blog name states; I’m a same person, different me, just like many of you out there who have been through life changing situations that have transformed you into someone that you never thought you could be.
It seems to have started to appear earlier this year, I think it may be because I’m turning 30 next week and my head has been doing a lot of pondering recently, completely unintentionally.
It’s not that I’m having an early mid-life crisis because I’m about to hit 30 or the fact that I will be 30, not that at all. I think it’s more that I have been through so much in the past few years that a lot of the time I feel much older than that.
If you’d have asked me at 20 where I saw myself in 10 years, it would have been in a great career that I studied at university to be qualified for, maybe in a serious relationship, possibly getting married and with children on the horizon.
Things didn’t quite turn out that way. It was never a plan that I wanted to stick to, just more where my head seemed to be going when I was finishing university.
Then I met Dan. We became a couple pretty quickly and married within 9 months of our first date. I never thought I would do things that fast. We knew we wanted children and I knew that I wanted to be married before we had any children and not long after, I was pregnant and Millie was born when I was 26, I don’t think that is young in any terms in today’s day and age but it was a lot younger that I had ever envisioned for myself in prior years – I didn’t think I would have children until after I’d turned 30 … But next week, I turn 30 and I have already had 2 children and I’ve no idea whether that’s it or whether we will have more in the future.
Three years ago, we thought we had everything mapped out. We had a house that we owned together that we knew we wanted to sell once I’d sat my professional exams and then move into what was to be known as our “forever home”. We had our gorgeous little girl, I had completed my masters degree whilst pregnant with Millie and I was about to go back to work and sit my professional exams.
As it turns out. Life decided to throw us the the ultimate curve ball in taking our daughter away from us.
We lost Millie.
Then we sold our house very quickly because it was too close to where we lost Millie (literally backed onto their playing fields) and we couldn’t face living there watching other children playing on the field where we should have been watching Millie. It was too traumatising.
I suffered badly from PTSD, anxiety and Depression and made the decision with Dan that I couldn’t go back to my job after trying on two separate occasions and falling to pieces. I was there the day Millie passed away and I suffered from horrendous flashbacks whenever I was near the place, it’s a shame as I have never been back there to see anyone either since I left. The company we worked for were fantastic with us, they really were. Dan and I were talking about it a few weeks ago and now we can look back and reflect, we realise that we would have lost everything financially if our company hadn’t have stood by our side like they did. We can never thank them enough for what they did for us because as disgusting as it is, there was absolutely no financial assistance at all for us from the government for parents in our situation.
This is the one time in our life that we needed financial assistance from the government and we were not entitled to even a penny to help us at the worst point in our lives.
We nearly lost each other, there were numerous occasions that we could have done because of mental health problems that we were suffering from.
So in a few months, our whole world had fallen apart.
Our honeymoon period of marriage was over and we were facing the harshest possible reality we could have been given in life.
We had to leave our beautiful home because we couldn’t face being there anymore and we moved into another house that we are still in now because we aren’t in a situation where we could move into our “forever home”. I know some of you will find this really sad but we don’t really refer to where we live as “home” because we have never really thought or felt as it like that, we always refer to as our “stepping stone house” because it’s just something we need to use for the time being before we get to our “forever home” in about 20 years at this rate; in our previous plans, we would already have been there with Millie and have our lovely decorated rooms with our lovely homely little bits and pieces. One of the reasons for me that it has never felt like “home” is because at the time when we had to move we were in the worst stages of grief and I don’t even remember viewing houses that we were looking at, I don’t remember choosing the house, purchasing it or even moving in. It is all one complete blur to me and it’s not nice to think of it like that.
I’m sure one day we will be somewhere that we want to call home, somewhere that will feel like home.
We are in completely different jobs than we were in 3 years ago, jobs that we never planned or forso in our future and a job where we had to teach ourself so much in order for it to work.
And now we have Leo. He is of course, our shining little light to come out of all this heartache and blurry years.
So 30, new chapter? I think so.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen next.
I’m not sure where we will be in 5 years or whether Millie and Leo will be our only children? I’m not sure where life will take me after I hit this huge milestone age and that’s ok. I’m ok with that.
Twelve months ago, I was still saying that I didn’t want to celebrate my 30th with a party. But now I will be doing with my family and friends because on our darkest days in the past nearly three years, I really thought I would never even be here to see my 30th birthday, but I am going to be and that’s something to celebrate in itself.
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