I know what it is!

I’ve not quite been able to put my finger on why I haven’t been feeling myself for this past week or so. I’ve been in a bit of a dream world half of the time,

I’ve not quite been able to put my finger on why I haven’t been feeling myself for this past week or so.

I’ve been in a bit of a dream world half of the time, I’ve cried a lot, restless sleep and I’ve been finding a lot of comfort recently visiting Millie’s sleeping place more than usual. The past few times I’ve headed on down there with Leo and he has been so good. We just sit down now and he sits playing with the toys around her headstone and he is obessed with me blowing bubbles – he hands me the bottles all the time, although today I tricked him into thinking he was actually blowing the bubbles and he was laughing his head off.


I’ve never thought this before but it probably looks really strange to other people to see a young woman sat with a toddler playing and laughing at a resting place – in particular to newcomers to the cemetery.

Anyway, back to the start of this blog. I know what it is now … It’s nursery graduations! Who knew? I didn’t even know they even did these but my timeline has been flooded by children at the age of what Millie should be now, ‘graduating’ from nursery/pre school.

We’ve not had a milestone for a while and we knew the starting school one was coming up, we obviously knew when but this whole graduating nursery has just thrown me for six because it was truly unexpecte!

I’m not saying this is a bad thing, of course it isn’t – it’s an absolutely wonderful thing for young children and their parents to experience together at this stage of their early life and so cute.

Although I have to admit though I have to scroll past extremely quickly and not look; I’m pretty sure that my friends and family will completley understand why I have to do this.

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It’s not the actual event, not at all. It’s the lack of preparation that I had before I saw these because as I said earlier, I didn’t even know these events happened until this past week or so. Maybe I have seen similar photographs before in previous years but not really registered what they were until it has become the time for Millie to have been doing it.

Now the whole starting school thing in September which Millie should have been doing in just a few weeks time, well, I’ve been gearing up for a long time for this.

In my head that it is

I know it’s coming. I know exactly what date Millie would be starting at the school she would have gone to. I know what shops to avoid so I don’t see these lovely little kiddies that would have been Millie’s class mates buying their school uniform and getting all excited. I know anyone who knows where we lived when we sadly lost Millie will know exactly which school uniform she should be wearing in September.

I’m getting prepared. I know in my head what dates I will be coming off my personal social media so I can avoid (I know, I know – avoidance is not the answer, but for me this time it is) any photos of kiddies on their first day at school. I come off social media at these milestones because I want everyone else to carry on as normal, I don’t want people thinking they are going to upset us if they post a photo – it’s part of being a parent, you want to show your child off and I totally understand this and I think that’s it’s lovely. So the easiest thing, is for me to break away for a few weeks which is exactly what I will do and when I’m ready … I will go back to my friend’s pages and look at the precious photographs that they took of their children smiling on their first day at school in their school uniform … But in my own time. (And I always do). 

I know that I don’t want to be around the schools when they go back , I can’t bear to see mums walking their children to school when they go back – in fact, I think I just need to hibernate!

Millie’s class (what should have been) will have our little girl missing when they start this year, they should all have another friend that they should be getting to know and all these gorgeous little people should all be Millie’s friends but they won’t be, because many of them won’t even know that she even exists and I find that extremely sad.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. That’s not why I am writing this blog.

I don’t want people to stop posting photos of nursery graduations or first day at school photographs. I’m not asking you to do that and I wouldn’t want you to.

I’m just writing about what I’ve figured out what has been making me sad without me actually knowing in the past few weeks because this happens a lot and it takes a while to work out what has triggered it.

I’m writing this to remind you that you may have a friend or family member that is experiencing the same kind of troubles and they might not actually realise it either, not yet but they will.

Just remember to drop them a quick text, a quick call or a big hug because believe me, they really need it right now and in particular when the schools start to go back – give them a little thought of rememberance, I promise you that they will thank you for your acknowledgement that their baby should be starting school.

So to the parents who’s little ones have just left their nurseries, pre schools; your photos are gorgeous. Keep clicking away and recording every moment possible with your children and showing them off to the world because they are all extremely beautiful.

To everyone who is thinking – aaagghhhh 6 weeks of summer holidays … The kids are going to drive me crazy; just remember me and every other mum that would give anything to have our kids driving us crazy and remember, it’s only 6 weeks – just a tiny dot in your life. I read something online recently where. the author was saying “I wish people who didn’t have kids would saying stop complaining about the summer holidays and making me feel guilty”… Well, I am going to do just that, I am going to make you have a niggling guilt because Dan and I and thousands of other parents would give our right arm to be spending some extra time with our children this summer and we can’t.

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0 thoughts on “I know what it is!

  1. I teach at the school where Millie would have come and feel sad that she won’t be joining us. You are doing such an amazing job of being a Mummy and Leo looks like such a happy little boy. You are an inspiration xxx

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